Mark White

You need to get out/'Stay in more'

2011-04-13T01:22:00.000-07:00

Summer is here, at least it was when I had the thought of a new extension to my business which is providing quality entertainment nights in pubs and clubs, something I have been doing for 25 years.

There are over 25 pubs closing every week in the UK and although there isn't just one thing alone responsible for the decline of the great British boozer, price rises, job losses and the smoking ban are the 3 biggest contributors to many landlords calling last orders for the last time.

Supermarkets having already destroyed our local corner shops are now eating their way into our local watering holes with deals offering 48 beers for as little as 16 quid. Having said that, who wants to sit at home alone drinking?

Well it seems more and more of us are doing it, but one of the big things about going to a pub used to be for entertainment, karaoke, a DJ or a live band. That's what i want to bring into your homes.

I have started a business providing this service, with summer coming (And I got a feeling it's going to be a hot one) wire brush the rust off the BBQ, get down the supermarket, stock up on some cheap booze, invite 20 top friends round for a party and give me a call when you know the weather is good and I will come round myself with my karaoke and disco gear, or if you would rather have live music I can draw on my many years in the business and provide you with the perfect act for your party.

I only need a few hours notice and I can be round with all my gear set up and ready to go. I am based in Kent and can work within a 100 mile radius but will of course travel any distance with more warning and a little bit of help with the fuel. All I need is 1 standard 13 amp socket, you get the food and the friends together and leave it up to me to make sure the entertainment is something you don't have to think about, you relax and enjoy the party.

I have a huge selection of both karaoke and disco music ranging from kids stuff through to the 50's up to todays latest hits. Maybe you have a birthday party coming, an anniversary, wedding, or just want a few friends round for a great night in. You can contact me on email markwhitekaraoke@gmail.com or tweet me @karaoke_mark

Tits, wags, paps and tax

2011-01-17T06:26:00.000-08:00

It’s approximately a year since the nation and Katie price fell in love with Alex Reid. Katie took it one step further and married him in a secret ceremony in Las Vegas, no photos in Hello or OK magazine of the dress so we can only guess what colour he wore.

13 months down the line and tens of appearances on the red carpets of the world it’s sadly all over again for Katie, the final straw being when Alex sold some photos of him playing with one of her kids from her previous farce. The fact I am writing about this shows how hot this topic is, on the other hand it's the main reason for me dedicating an hour of my time to this subject as I endeavour to highlight all what I think is wrong with society today, contradictory? Maybe.

Are we teaching our kids to grow up with the ambitions of marrying a premiership footballer, or a glamour model? Or what about an alcohol and drug abusing pop star who we can love through a Perspex screen during jail visits. I could never date a famous person, I want to know and love a person in the privacy of our own minds, get to know her by spending quality time alone, not read about it in the daily red tops or the inevitable autobiography.

I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business whether they stay together or not, or the reasons why they are parting. Part of me feels Alex has got everything he desired out of this relationship, fame. I would love to believe that he truly believed he found his princess and planned to live happily ever after but as romantic as I am my rose tinted glasses are steamed up with anger and my intelligence is insulted for the last time where celebrity marriages are concerned.

It seems the vast chasm between the relative normality of my life and that place inhabited by those in ‘Celebritydom’ is growing with every flash of the paparazzi’s cameras.

In my school girls discussed their ambitions to obtain G.C.S.E.s and a place in university, now hopes and dreams seem to hinge on obtaining the qualification of WAG and getting wasted on Tequila slammers, hoisting their skirts up taking their knickers down and if they don’t manage to make it onto TV there is always youtube for that 15 minutes of shame that you will regret when you marry Frank Lampard or Wayne Rooney and you end up in The News of the world for your teenage exploits.

You will make a wonderful couple, a perfect match. No problem, you can hire a PR mogul such as Max Clifford, he can make an X Factor singers Grandmother seem an attractive proposition to the media as well as a dribbling Manchester United striker.

Maybe next time you’re walking through the turnstiles at Old Trafford after paying 25% tax on your £300 a week job you might like to bare in mind you are not only paying to watch these non achievers, you are actually paying an additional 23% tax that your heroes are avoiding because of a hole left in the law by idiotic politicians and exploited by your children’s prostitute shagging role models.

If only we could put as much time and effort into our own lives as we spend sticking our noses into others we could all realise our true potential, instead we waste time every day reading and in my case writing about people that only care about themselves and their own desire for fame and fortune.

Stop buying tabloid papers and starve the fame seekers of their craving for attention. Unfollow those celebrities on twitter that never reply, don’t feed their egos, non celebs are so much more interesting because they actually care what you say and they will talk back to you also and it won’t be about themselves. There is so much talent hidden within those people you know nothing about and they will help bring out yours also.

We all have a story to tell about the day a celebrity replied to a tweet, but we need to do something not many celebrities are capable of, look a little deeper, widen your search for entertainment and fulfilment, you will find more talent in people who have a far less famous name. Celebrities are not the same as us; the air they breathe to keep them alive is generated by the sight of their picture in the glossy magazine or tomorrow’s sushi and French fries paper, in the sound of the applause or the 30,000 daily tweets.

Two of the greatest sayings I have ever heard are “Don’t have heroes, be one” and “If you carry on doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”.

Ecoblue technology

2011-01-13T04:33:00.001-08:00

This incredible piece of equipment allows companies of various size and services to reach up to 4000 potential customers per hour. We use the latest bluetooth technology to send your company message directly to mobile phones.

MINI STANDARD BOOSTER

For smaller businesses or limited budgets, the ECOBLUE MINI is the perfect solution.

• Permission based technology.

• Connect up to 7 phones simultaneously.

• Simple to view graphical reporting.

• Phone advert creator software included.

• Small form factor 299 x 248 x 119 mm.

• Lithium 12 hr battery included.

• Omnidirectional antenna reaches up to 100ft.

The original ECOBLUE STANDARD is the world’s best selling portable Bluetooth Marketing system for businesses and retailers

• Reach thousands of phones every day.

• 12 hour rechargeable battery or car adapter.

• Rugged drop proof all-weather casing.

• Real time reporting.

• Simple to use programming interface.

• No technical knowledge required.

• 3 Class 1 2.4 GHz Bluetooth transmitters.

• Maximum 200ft coverage zone.

• Supports PC, MAC and Linux.

With its optimised antennae, the Ecoblue Booster reaches even further than the Ecoblue standard alone!

• Extend the distance of broadcasts to over 250mtrs.

• Reach thousands of phones every day.

• 12 hour rechargeable battery or 12v car adapter.

• Real time reporting.

• Simple to use programming interface.

• 3 Class 1 2.4 GHz Bluetooth transmitters.

For further information and to arrange a demonstration call Mark White 07502223783

Wee are the champions

2011-01-07T02:13:00.000-08:00

Japanese gents get the chance to control four new titles with their wee. It's new hardware, but possibly not as you expected it. Former platform holder Sega has launched a new range of machines in Japan… that attach to male urinals.

Wired reports that the new devices, called 'Toylets', have been rolled out for testing at a number of locations in Tokyo. Each basin is installed with a pressure sensor and LCD screen. The games are controlled both by the strength and direction of the user's wee.

Between sessions the screen is able to display advertising. Four titles are include din the trial version of Toylet - 'Mannekin Pis' (try and wee as hard as you can), 'Graffiti Eraser' (remove paint by weeing on every part of the picture), 'Milk from Nose' (wee harder than the bloke before you and the on-screen character sprays more milk out of his nose!) and 'The North Wind and Her' (wee harder to increase the strength of the wind and try and blow a girl's skirt up) Or, the realistic one where George Michael appears in the toilet and he blows you as hard as he can.

Should user's feel inclined they are able to use a USB stick to save their game data. What a thought. I can see an all new meaning to the term 'Computer virus'.

What I can't understand is why Wii didn't come up with this.

The News at Net from NIT

2010-11-25T03:37:00.001-08:00

Severe fear of flying

A cricket fan cycled from England to Australia in time for the first Ashes Test to raise money for charity. Oli Broom, 29, arrived in the Gabba ground in Brisbane on the day the first test opened after nearly 14 months of pedalling.

England captain Andrew Strauss presented the cyclist with a signed shirt as a reward for his effort. All that way and all he gets is an England shirt? He left Lords cricket ground on the 10th of October last year with 17 friends, they gave up when they reached the South Coast, obviously he was the only one with the Godly gift of cycling on water. I never get that when people say they ran round the world, no you didn't. It's like a round the world yachts person taking a plane, or a boat, well a bigger one. The thrashing of England starts today.

Vee are not amused
German home-owners who have opted out of Google's Street View appear to have been targeted by vandals. Properties in Essen which have chosen to be blurred on the service have been pelted with eggs, flour and milk, the houses also had notices reading "Google's cool" pinned to their door, one resident said "They have taken a right battering" (Don't be silly, it's in Germany.)

Street View is only now being used across Germany after the German government insisted citizens have the option to opt out. Almost 250,000 Germans requested that Google blur pictures of their homes, before the service went live.

Google said the company respected people's right to privacy and described the vandalism as a one-off incident. Was that a 250,000 off incident? "We respect people's right to remove their house from Street View and by no means consider this to be acceptable behaviour," the spokesperson added.

Since going live in Germany, the service has captured a series of bizarre events, including a naked man climbing into the boot of his car on the driveway of a house in Mannheim, south-west Germany. Another camera appeared to capture the birth of a baby on a street in a Berlin suburb. I guess that will end up on youfallopiantube.

No sex but plenty of rock and roll

Pranksters tricked a motel guest into smashing up his room in a search for hidden cameras and a trapped dwarf. The 73-year-old man wrecked the television, mirrors, the toilet and a wall before realising he had been duped.

Joseph Jones was staying at a Motel 6 in Spartanburg, South Carolina, when he received a late night telephone call from someone claiming to be the motel manager and asked Mr Jones to help him get rid of highly sophisticated cameras installed by the previous guest.

He told the pensioner to unplug the television and use the toilet seat to smash it open. When the TV didn't break he was told to throw it out of the window. The caller then said more cameras were hidden behind the mirrors and ordered Mr Jones to smash them with a spanner he found in his room.

They then claimed a 4ft 3ins midget was barricaded in the next room and asked him to try to break through the internal wall to help police free him. Paul Daniels? He managed to break through to the next room before his rampage of destruction was ended following complaints from other motel guests.

Police said the incident was similar to a number of similar pranks played on hotel and motel guests throughout the US. A Motel spokesman said: "We are grateful that, although the room and its contents suffered damage, none of our guests or team members were injured as a result of this incident."

No charges were filed against the old man but he has been offered a roadies job on a forthcoming Rolling Stones tour.

And finally......

An Essex pensioner has lost his life savings of £80,000 after leaving it on the roof of his car and driving off. I know how he feels, I did that with a mobile phone a few years ago. No I didn't get it back, it was a right off, as was the car behind it hit.

The 68 year old who never trusted banks has spent his entire working life saving £2,000 a year requested to remain anonymous. Check out The Sun newspaper tomorrow for name, address and all information on past girlfriends.

I Heart radio

2010-11-18T05:55:00.000-08:00

Radio has been the love of my life since the days of Dave Lee Travis, Mike Read (First time round) and Steve Wright in the afternoon. I had always thought to myself I could do that. I made my demo and delivered it to radio 1 and every local radio station within a distance that a full tank of petrol in my Yamaha FS1E would take me.

It became apparent very quickly that this was an industry that was going to be very difficult to get into. People suggested hospital radio as the place to start and I spent the next year or so in and out of them fixing bones broken on aforementioned ‘Fizzy’ on the wrong side of the microphone.

I finally got my lucky break in local radio 1500 miles away in Tallinn where my talent was at long last spotted and then spent 2 years presenting the breakfast show on Energy FM 93.2. It was for the largest radio group in Estonia which owned the top 5 stations, I had arrived. The idols I had grown up with shaped my presenting and choice of content which to some extent was quite a change from the old style presenting in the more serious, politically correct shows the Baltic’s had experienced previously. Prank calls and making fun of famous celebrities was not the done thing in this shy, relatively recently communist controlled liberated part of Eastern Europe.

I had fed the bug that had been implanted in my brain since the age of 14. Having to leave Estonia was at the time a very difficult decision to make, I had it all, a job in radio, a little bit of fame which I think most people have craved at some stage in their lives, I was doing what I loved and getting paid for it. It didn’t take long after arriving back in the UK before I felt there was something missing in my life, no longer did I shoot out of bed at first light, I wasn’t interested in news anymore, I didn’t even take an interest in music. My life had come to a boring, uneventful premature end.

Then I found twitter, I could actually talk to people that were on radio in the greatest country for media in the world. Chris Moyles is on there, you can actually send him and many other stars a message and hope for a reply. Don't hold your breath waiiting for one from Moyles though, he has his head too far up the place I think his microphone belongs. Chris Evans the radio and TV God of the 90’s is a regular too along with more of my idols from my formative years, people that made me what I am today.

Then one day I met a guy at an event organised through twitter by the Eastenders star Adam Woodyatt (Ian Beale). It was the Aid for Haiti appeal, I was lucky enough to win the auction prize to spend the morning with Ed and Rachel on the Heart FM breakfast show in Birmingham. I had always wanted to see how ‘Real radio’ works in a ‘Real country’. Britain in my mind is the home of radio, where it all started and here was my chance to finally get behind the scenes of a proper station and watch how what I have listened to for so many hours is actually made.

On the morning of November the 18th 2010 at 7 am I walked into a real radio studio with walls of TV’s and computer screens, producers and real presenters, everything was nothing like I had imagined it. There was a script (Sort of) precision timings to meet time slots guaranteed to advertisers, news on the half hour read by a real news reader. That may sound a strange thing to say but she was the stereotypical voice of the news bulletin, I didn’t want to tell her to her face but she sounded like every female radio newsreader I have ever heard, but there she was sitting opposite me, word perfect with her cleverly self written, slightly different phrased twice hourly delivery, top job Mel.

Photo above right: Ed James, Producer Steph, Rachel and head producer Kelly (with child)

Ed James has been laughing and smiling as he talks, (A must for any budding presenters reading this} still sounds as enthusiastic as I’m sure he did 8 years ago. Rachel sits eating her rice crispies scrolling through the hundreds of texts like a pearl diver prising open oysters, “Yes here’s a good one” I hear in amongst the snap crackle and pop, “let’s call this one”. I was surprised to learn that all calls are now recorded before they go to air, it’s not even the fact that someone might say something untoward for 8am in the morning, it’s more important that they sound interesting. It proved to me that my time in Estonia on radio had been raw, slightly cavemanish from a technical point of view, we would whack them straight on air and to hell with the consequences. But in civilised society where advertisers mean the very existence of commercial radio stations, it’s the companies spending their diminishing promotion budgets that are pulling the strings, or sliding the faders up and down as the case maybe.

I was totally blown away by the importance of one particular member of the team from Heart breakfast, an unsung hero whose position up until today I thought was just another job title given to someone who never quite had the talent to be a presenter, a bit like a Doctor that ended up as a vet. I couldn’t be more wrong, she was the person bringing it all together like a jigsaw puzzle without the picture. If I was in a potentially life threatening situation I would want Steph the producer in charge of reviving my heart to make sure it beat at exactly the right pace.

If I had to name one illusion that has been slightly shattered by visiting the Heart FM studio it would be how clinical it all seemed, you have to play 8 songs an hour, the news must be on time and most importantly the people that pay for our entertainment, the companies purchasing those valuable seconds in the hope we will all buy loads more stuff than we actually need or others want. There’s a new subject for tomorrows phone in.

I would sincerely like to thank Ed and Rachel, Steph and Kelly the producers and last but by no means least, the assistant producer Matt who makes sure that all those people calling in with a story to tell, or an answer to the question that might just lead to them going to meet Michael Bublé in New York no less, without him none of it would be possible either. He also works the heart website www.heart.co.uk/westmids where you can listen to the weekly podcast he somehow manages to squeeze into an already bulging schedule. Who said men can't multi task.

I learned one very important thing today, radio is not about Chris Moyles, Chris Evans, or Ed James, it’s about a group of people that all contribute individual skills that gel together into that magical media that is radio.

My heart belongs to media and the chance, along with a great team behind me, to reach that special place in the early morning listener’s homes, cars and workplace. I hope one day I can put my heart where my home is, radio.

I'm not a celebrity get me in there

2010-11-15T07:13:00.000-08:00

Ever since I knew the line up for this years 'I'm a celebrity get me out of here' I was salivating at the prospects of a great jungle frolic this year.

Unfortunately after just one episode I am foaming at the mouth in anger and disappointment at all but one of the contestants. I watched the show as I do most programmes now with one eye on twitter to see if I am the only one incensed by what seems a lack of personality. Don't the words Celebrity and personality go hand in hand? Even Ant and Dec were below par and it took a little over a minute for the first lunch box gag to come out. That is sooooo 90's and if anything a little derogatory to Linford Christie to be remembered for little else (or should I say big) other than being blessed with a javelin stuffed down his lycra. Could explain why he was so crap at hurdles and opted for the hundred metres instead. Poor little old Colin Jackson hey.

Back to the jungle, why in Tarzans name would you ask a nutritionist who is afraid of insects to go into the jungle. Yes I know producers probably thought it might just make good TV but screamed "GET ME OUT OF HERE" at the first attempted bush tucker trial. Producers, please let her out of there. I had high hopes for Shaun Ryder but it looks as if he has about as much personality as a turd on Gillian's inspection table. Lembit Opik is even more annoying than he was when he was a politician, now incidentally he is a comedian, so no real career change there then. The only good thing about him being in there is the fact that he annoys Nigel Havers even more than us viewers.

Britt Ekland (Well at least the 20% real bits of her left) seems to be an OK person, a bit like Kim Woodworm from last year, perhaps her and Nigel Havers might hit it off, if not it's someone to do the laundry while you're away from the Mrs. Sheryl Gascoigne? What's that all about, what has she done except been beaten up by an alcoholic husband. More appropriate deserving candidates down the women's rescue centre on a Sunday morning I would of thought. Don't get me started on Aggro. Loved Kayla line about what her Mum taught her about having to eat something you don't like, "Put it in your mouth, chew it and swallow it like a pill". Are you sure that wasn't Hugh Hefners advice?

The true star of show one was without doubt Stacey Solomon, what you see is always what you get, a natural likable down to earth girl with a true zest for life and try anything attitude. I must say it she had a busy first day which included eating a penis smaller than Aggros, sat on a chopper and had a jump with a guy from behind. She more than made up for all the other boring jungle mates, let's give them the benefit of the doubt for day 1 of 21 and put it down to nerves. Go Stacey, go Stacey, I mean, stay Stacey.

News at Net from NIT

2010-11-10T12:43:00.000-08:00

Education has clearly failed

Today I have seen the best and the worst of Britain. On my way to meet my girlfriend for lunch in Victoria I noticed an unusual amount of students, I knew it wasn't half term so why the crowds? Perhaps they had all heard about the 3 for 2 deal on Right Guard at Boots, nahhh. Then I saw the placards, I think there was one actually spelt correctly. They were on their way to protest about the hike in education fees, they would have less money for lager and pot noodles and my only worry, even less to spend on personal hygiene.

It didn't take long for them to live up to our expectations and conduct themselves with their usual disregard for anyone else other than themselves. You are the scum of Britain.

Some, as I am sure you have seen on TV were throwing rocks from the top of Tory headquarters, they have cost you and I hundreds of thousands of pounds in taxes for the clean up and repair. Maybe that cost should be added onto the increase in fees also. It wont end there of course as we waste even more money on legal fees for top lawyers to try and defend them and give mitigating circumstances for their atrocious actions.

What a fiasco, the police should have got the water canons out and given them a bloody good wash, two birds with one stone. Then instead of taking them to a nice warm cell where they will be fed and watered (Sparkling of course,) take them to Trafalgar square, put them one by one up on the plinth and stone the little fuckers.

Then on the flip side to this, the Pride of Britain awards provided a proud and moving interval from the blanket news coverage of thugs destroying our city to those that have dedicated their lives to helping others.

Amazing survivors including the woman who has endured a life time of operations which have meant her having a completely new set of organs, who wasn't moved to tears when they wheeled on the guy whose life she had saved by donating her heart. Yes I was confused also, but it's true. The incredible courage shown by David Rathband, the policeman blinded by crazy gunman Raoul Moat and children that have rescued their seniors from what seemed impossible life threatening situations.

I suggest after their stoning, each student responsible for the appalling scenes in London are made to sit and watch the awards ceremony and made to spend the rest of their academic years looking after and doing community work for all of those incredible examples of what is still Great in Britain today.

On the lighter side.....

The car now standing on platform 3 is the 6-05 from
the Rose and crown

A drunk driver who mistook a train platform's disabled ramp for a car park entrance sent commuters running for safety in Switzerland.

Gerald Bacher is believed to have been three times over the drink drive limit when he plunged over the platform edge onto the tracks stranding hundreds of travellers for five hours.

"He was looking for the car park and took a very wrong turn. It was 6am and God knows how he managed to be so drunk so early in the morning," said one commuter.
Police say a 67-year-old man is being interviewed over motoring offences. The police are the same the world over, why don't they just say "We got the drunken old sod?" Great excuse for the rail company to explain away delays, beats leaves on the line i suppose.

Prisons to install sunbeds

A Russian prison is to install sunbeds and mud baths to improve the health of its inmates.

Sergei Telyatnikov, head of Moscow's Butyrka remand prison, said inmates would also be allowed to use Skype to make voice and video calls to relatives. I can imagine this going very wrong.
He said ultrasound systems would also be used to give prisoners health checks. Russia's prisons have been criticised as being overcrowded and badly managed with poor medical facilities.

Mr Telyatnikov went on to say, "We are developing additional medical services... and even sunbeds will be put in place." Bunk sunbeds?

And finally.....What Carol Vorderman wore as host of the pride of Britain awards was obscene and totally out of place at an event like that. It wasn't about you Vorderman, your tits or your dress designer. Perhaps she was under the impression POB stood for Porn of Britain awards. Carol I will have 2 large ones from the top please.

Mark turning on Olly Murs

2010-11-10T08:17:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Ed and Rachel for getting me at it on Heart Breakfast on Monday morning when Olly Murs stopped by the studio on his way to turning on the Christmas lights at Merry hill's shopping centre.

Ed and Rachel came up with the idea of getting some listeners to call in and make some strange noises over the phone by turning on various appliances to see if he could guess the racket.

Well after Ed posted a message for volunteers on twitter I couldn't hold myself back and decided to get my blender out. Click here to find out what happened http://chirb.it/b044g4

I will be a guest on Heart FM breakfast with Ed and Rachel next Thursday from 7am http://www.heart.co.uk/

The News at Net from NIT

2010-11-09T06:50:00.001-08:00

A woman buying fruit and vegetables was overcharged because the shop assistant's breasts were resting on the scales. A spokesman for the Co-operative in the channel islands said "The assistant's seat had been too low and this had caused the shopper to be accidentally charged an extra £5, which had now been refunded. Finally an answer to the age old question 'How many you actually get to the pound'.

Cannabis scratch 'n' sniff cards handed out

About 30,000 Dutch households are to receive marijuana scratch cards to help them tell if their neighbours are growing the drug.

Authorities in Rotterdam and The Hague are distributing the cards to help people recognise what cannabis smells like. The cards also include a number to call to report suspected illegal marijuana growing. Dutch authorities turn a blind eye to citizens growing up to five marijuana plants for personal use, but they want to crack down on the estimated 40,000 bulk plantations hidden away in attics, apartments and warehouses in the Netherlands.

"Citizens must be alerted to the dangers they face as a result of these plantations, and if they become aware of any suspect situations they must report them," said spokesman Arnie Loos.
The green scratch card, measuring 8in by 4in (King size Rizla dimensions) reads "Assist in combating cannabis plantations." A whole new meaning to winning the jack pot on a scratchcard.

When scratched, the card reveals the aroma as well as a police number people can call if they suspect that a neighbour is growing marijuana on a large scale. Dutch authorities say the plantations are a hazard which can cause fires or accidents because of the cables and lamps needed to maintain a cultivation temperature of 27C.

Great, thanks for the horticulture lesson, I'm off to B&Q to pick up an extension lead.

Isn't it Ironik, don't you think?

Rapper and anti-knife campaigner DJ Ironik has been stabbed in the bottom(They must of been short) by muggers who robbed him of his jewellery. The 22-year-old was attacked by two men in hoodies in the early hours attack in Highgate, north London. He received a knife wound to the buttock during the attack and was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment according to a police spokesperson.

The rapper, real name James Charters, was returning from a gig in Essex at the time of the incident. He thanked fans for their support following the attack via Twitter, "It could of been much worse so thank God it weren't and I'm just resting and recovering."

After attacking Ironik, the pair - who were wearing dark clothes including hooded tops fled with jewellery belonging to the rapper. Police said all but one of the stolen items was later recovered. That just leaves his knife then.

Britain in a state of nanny

A shop assistant refused to let a six-year-old girl help her mum buy Christmas crackers because it's illegal to sell 'explosives' to children. The cashier told Lisa Innes, 36, that he couldn't take the box from her daughter Tia-Rose for scanning at the till because of the 'snap' in the crackers. Since when did crackers actually start working?

This is the latest ridiculous rule intended to wrap us up even tighter in cotton wool. I heard a story the other day of plans to fence of trees in parks to stop children climbing them in case they fall and hurt themselves. I loved playing in trees when i was a kid and it never did me any harm and it never did me any harm and it never did me any harm. Yeah it's so much better to keep them inside on their playstations shooting and killing.

Other victims of ridiculous rule enforcement include a woman who was asked for proof she owned a TV license when purchasing a DVD player and a disabled woman who filled her car up with petrol then sent her son into pay for it but was told "It's against the rules as the boy was only 16."

I guess they will stop the scouts from packing our shopping next, surely it is also illegal for children to handle alcohol, cigarettes and the aforementioned Christmas crackers at a supermarket checkout.

13, Unlucky for dim sum

A Chinese man is recovering after he was impaled by an astonishing 13 metal rods in an accident at a concrete factory.

Wang Tao from Xian, western China, had been making steel reinforced concrete blocks for the building trade when a mold exploded sending the rods into his thigh and hip. Some of the rods were so long that workmates had to cut them off with an angle grinder so Tao could fit into the ambulance. But now after a four hour operation he says he can't wait to get back to work. "It stung a bit at the time but I was so shocked I didn't feel much, I'm told I'll make a full recovery and I can't wait to get back and laugh about this with my mates." I reckon he feels reinforced with new vigor after his acupuncture.

You plonker lodney.

And finally...Stoke city boss Tony Pulis has come up with what on the surface seems quite a good idea. After a string of bad results largely due to poor refereeing decisions, Pulis is suggesting a propersition that would see referees monitered and given points for their performance in a weekly league table that would result in the bottom referees being relegated to the lower division the following season.

A good idea you might think at first, unfotunately for Pulis it is highly probable that his side will be in that lower division next season also.

Vote with your remote

2010-11-08T02:56:00.000-08:00

Last nights X Factor was a complete farce. When will us British learn that no one gives a damn about what we vote for or want. We voted for a good leader and get 2 idiots, last night millions used their telephones to get their favourite through to the last nine in X factor and it all came down to Cheryl Cole's inability to do her job which culminated in the wrong person being sent home.

"I refuse point blank to send any of my girls home" she said, OK, thanks for that Cheryl, you are not needed anymore either, bye bye. Whoever is voting just stop it, vote with your remote not your phones because the only winners are the people behind the programme.

If I were Treyc I would be livid this morning, I would be straight on the phone to Cowell demanding the dismissal of Cole. What happened last night, they went to the wrong judge second as they should leave the judge with an interest in the act up for eviction until last. The vote is still unfinished, the vote was 2 to 1 which means there is still one to come. The X Factor is contrived, or in layman's terms, takes the piss out of us viewers. On the night it was announced that Cheryl Cole's new album went to number 1 I think it was a disgraceful performance once again behind a microphone.

All that said, we can't trust the judges or ourselves anymore, why are people voting for Wagner? It seems Facebook has even more power than Cowell which is saying something, why are people joining campaigns to keep Wagner in who definitely can't sing, to be honest he can't even talk.

I think one thing wrong with Britain today is the lack of our will to fight for what is right. I was genuinely angry at what transpired in front of my eyes last night, but i was even more amazed at the real victim of last nights judging fiasco Treyc Cohen. On This Morning she told Holly and Phillip "I think everything happens for a reason, I'm not angry at what happened". What is wrong with you girl, you are a fighter, you got this far 2 years ago and you just want to let it all slip away, you were beaten by a girl who broke down on stage, literally fell on her arse and forgot her words. Yes it happened for a reason, the judges know full well that controversy puts bums on sofas and we fall for it every time.

Cowell and Cole you should be ashamed of yourselves, get a grip of the show or suffer the wrath and rage against the Xfactor machine that destroyed your number 1 ambitions last Christmas.

Just for you Simon and Cheryl;

Judge: noun: a public official authorized to decide questions bought before a court of justice
noun: an authority who is able to estimate worth or quality
verb: put on trial or hear a case and sit as the judge at the trial of.

The one show man with the sex teXt factor

2010-11-07T03:29:00.000-08:00

Forgive me for revisiting old subjects, but it seems there is no end to the naive, idiotic, lying cheating celebrities that somehow believe that they can trust ANY woman to keep their secret safe.

My first gut reaction in situations like this is 'You bloody idiot'. As if a person in the media spotlight wont be a target for the 'Kiss and tell trap'. Listen, I am a man of the world, I understand a mans needs, I appreciate that what a man wants he 'Needs it now' and that other little person within us takes over, grows into a bigger person and that's when the dick head rules the head head. I am not saying I sympathise with Manford, but I do understand. It's late, you have just done a gig, hundreds of people have come to see you, applauded you and worshipped you basically.

It's 2 am, what are you going to do, you are still buzzing, the high you are experiencing is unequalled by anything, well almost anything. Speaking from experience I have felt those emotions, miles from home and those I love, the applause and laughter is over, the testosterone is racing round your body, the wife is sleeping or smelling of baby sick, or maybe even pregnant and not looking her best, well guess what Mr Manford, you chose it all, it's your fault. You also chose to listen to the dick head between your legs and for some bizarre unfathomable reason you got excited and did a bit of stand up to an audience of one ugly, fat, gold digging, fame hungry tweeter. there are some similarities between you and Debra Mc Money, oops sorry McNamee

This is so typical of the thinking celebrities have today, they want the money, the fame and the recognition, but, not the intrusive side which comes with it. You don't need to look in a dictionary to know that if you did look up the definition of 'Celebrity' somewhere in there it would say; Celebrity: Someone in the public eye that wants to make lots of money, be recognised by paparazzi (When it suits them) seeks attention from tabloid newspapers but isn't always happy when they get it. They are paid millions of pounds to do a job they are ill qualified to do other than the fact they are a celebrity. You put your face in the centre of the media target and there will always be people with a quiver full of arrows aiming straight for your Japseye. (Photo: Cheryl Tweedy was a victim of text sex)

The press in this country will do everything to build you up and then knock you down again, it's a two way win for them, they sell papers when you are good but even more when you turn bad. Trouble is we love to stick our noses in other peoples business, we always have, it's just that when that someone else is a celebrity, the bigger, longer and harder the fall. They all love to read and believe their own press when it's good, then grovel to those that once meant so much to them when it all goes wrong. We have to accept there will always be the fame hungry and those hungry for the famous.

Jason joins others such as Vernon Kay, Ashley Tweedy and even Wayne Rooney technically in the hall of celebrity shame. OK Rooney actually had proper sex with a prostitute, whereas Jason Manford didn't hand over any money as far as we know, just as well as it turned out to be a self service hand job anyway. Either way you look at it, she was prostituting herself knowing her payment wouldn't be left on the bedside table but posted through her letter box by way of a cheque from whichever tabloid she chose to contact.

I don't expect all celebrities to be squeaky clean, but I do expect them to be punished for their infidelties, if not by their partners then by the people that pay their wages. 2.5 million pounds of license fee payers money to present a half hour show a few nights a week? His behaviour is not that of a family show presenter, he should be fired from the One show, but we all know he wont be. While they are at it sack that sorry excuse for a presenter Alex, are there no presenters with an English accent looking for work? I am more than willing to step into her shoes and dress if need be, but please Jason, Tweet me with respect.

Masterscouse

2010-11-03T03:16:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a series, I feel stuffed, full of nerves and am still sweating more than 12 hours after hearing Michel Roux Jr pronounce Claire Lara Masterchef Professional champion of 2010.

Losing finalists David Coulson and John Calton were incredible, hardly losers as I am sure there will be restaurants dangling unpeeled carrots with the little leaves still attached in front of them. I really felt for David, I thought he had done enough to win to be honest, David if you read this I want you to know I want to 'Shake' you by the hand and thank you for providing excellent entertainment through every course of the series, you made me salivate and cry.

But it was Claire the college tutor from Liverpool that proved too good for the boys and with one eye on twitter at the same time it seemed almost everyone thought Claire was favourite to lift the title also, but David was the one the majority were all rooting for.

I'm sure there are a lot of people that were miffed John even made it through to the final, he was constantly running over the time allowed top prepare his dishes while those who could manage their time better were sent home early. Highlights for me were the absence of John Terode, his replacement the very suave and real nice guy Michel Roux Jr and his number 2 Monica Galletti. If Greg is going to stay on as a judge can the BBC send him to cutlery handling school before the next series, it's like watching someone feed a baby, I'm sure I heard little choof choof train noises as the food was sent into his tunnel.

Some of the tasks they are set would have me questioning the validity of the requests sometime. If I was asked to descale 30 mullet then put scales back on them I would be looking over my shoulder waiting for Jeremy Beadle, the things these chefs put themselves through is astounding, they have dedication by the bucket full. I would love to ask them why? Why would they want to slave away in a kitchen under extreme pressure for hours and days on end to have your efforts pulled to pieces by customers in a restaurant that all of a sudden become experts on seasoning and over cooked fish the minute they walk through your door.

At the end of the day does it really matter, I don't care what my food looks like to be honest within reason, I don't want chefs sweating like a race horse dripping it all over my plate, touching my food replacing it to the millimetre or gluing my shortbread down with a bit of jam, just get the food in front of me while it's still hot.

And finally, I hardly think Michelin are a very good name to be associated with such small portions on a plate, I think Victoria Beckham stars would be a more accurate description

X Why Z z z Factor

2010-11-02T03:11:00.000-07:00

It was another frustrating weekend not only for those that can sing but for all of us watching who can sing better than Wagner. I asked the question last week and as yet have not had an answer, who is voting for Wagner? In these hard times of recession it seems there are still many thousands of people who are throwing their money away on a ‘Joke vote’. Even Robbie Williams has joined in with his support for the Brazilian saying “He is good for the competition; he is doing what Stavros Flatley did on Britain’s got talent”. No he isn’t Robbie, he can’t even dance, he can’t sing or speak English.

It was good to finally see the back of Belle Amie, Cowell can now concentrate (If he wasn’t already) on One Direction. We haven’t seen the last of the Wannabe Spice girls as Geri Halliwell has expressed an interest in managing them, yeah go old woman power.

Best performance of the week must go to Jay K as he showed he is a pretty good judge of judges when he said Danni and Cheryl are not capable of judging talent, although on the subject of shagging he does think Cheryl is worth it. It is sad that the judges don’t utilize honesty in the same way. The Louis Walsh record is still stuck on “Wagner is what the X Factor is all about”. NO he isn’t Louis, he is everything it isn’t about, he can’t sing, has no seX appeal and is depriving others with more talent than he has from having a fair crack of the whip. The X factor (As far as I am aware) is about finding a pop star, a recording artist who will sell millions of albums and make Simon Cowell even richer. That is what it’s about Louis. Where does Wagner and Mary figure in that? Yes Mary can sing but be honest she isn’t a pop star, yes she does have the X factor but unfortunately there is an L after it.

Aiden is so predictable and I am convinced if he manages to stay in a few more weeks we will actually witness a breakdown live on TV, someone please put him out of his obvious misery and either just shoot him or give him a modelling contract, that guys intensity was the scariest part of my Halloween night. Katie Worzel Waissel was a close second, I don’t think she will survive the wrath of the public for much longer, Brits are like a bulldogs grip, once the teeth are in they won’t let go.

Cher is losing her spell over me, the quirky strange 17 year old does have something but she is not ready yet. She is a child, to thrust her into a life of alcohol even before her 18 th birthday would be wrong, having said that, she is old enough for sex, she has the rock and roll in her blood, just needs an injection of drugs and she is good to go, and, as we now know it is safer to have a shot in the arm than a shot of tequila.

Rebecca will always work as a recording artist, I can see her album adorning the shelves of every wine bar like Sade’s did back in the 90’s. Paije will have his little niché in the competitive market of soul singers, Matt Cardle I am still not sure about, yes he is good but he is no Jon Bon Jovi, I honestly can’t see where he is going to fit in, he isn’t even quite pretty enough to join Aiden on the catwalk.

I truly believe there is only one direction this year’s competition is heading and my tip for next week’s bottom two is Katie and Treyc.

'Februhairy’ soon to grow on Estonia (A story about Mark White written for The Baltic Times)

2010-10-30T01:07:00.000-07:00

TALLINN - The moustache has had a long and conflicted history. It has dipped in and out of public favor, resting on the upper lip of kings and tyrants alike. From Stalin and Hitler to Burt Reynolds and Salvador Dali, a moustache has always made a bold public statement and has, for better or worse, made an impact on society. Now it is helping to prevent cancer.

Next month has been dubbed “Februhairy” in Estonia, thanks to a project organized by Mark White, a DJ at Energy FM 93.2 in Tallinn. During Februhairy men are encouraged to grow a moustache for the month and participate in a wide array of events aimed at awareness and prevention of testicular cancer. “This is meant to be fun, to promote awareness in an exciting way and at the same time be educating guys about preventing the cancer,” said White, “There are simple ways to avoid getting it, and then rather than have to worry about curing it men can focus on prevention which is actually cheaper.” Contests, prizes and concerts will supplement this first annual Februhairy and all collected funds will be donated towards the purchase of a new machine – valued at 500,000 kroons – for detecting testicular cancer. Februhairy will actually kick off on the last day of January, when participating men are expected to shave their faces clean of any existing facial hair or stubble. They are then asked to take a picture of themselves and to send it into the Energy Radio Web site, where it will be posted alongside those of other participants.

There will be an opportunity to take progressive pictures at a wide number of events held over the course of the month. In addition to comparing the follicle developments, these pictures serve as tokens of participation and increase chances for winning large prizes at the final momentous Februhairy event. Events and competitions will be held almost every day for the entire month, along with additional opportunities and bonuses for men growing their ‘staches. One of these competitions is called “Has X Got the Balls for It?” and will be broadcast daily during the Energy FM morning show. Recorded in a bowling alley, one of the DJs will let loose a bowling ball and listeners will call in to guess the number of pins knocked down. Whoever comes closest to the actual number will win free bowling for two.

The morning show will also feature a top Estonian doctor specializing in testicular cancer to discuss the issue and the importance of spreading awareness of the problem. A special clinic will be set up by the doctor to check for testicular cancer and to teach how to check for signs of the disease. A charity football match will take place in Februhairy matching up Energy FM listeners and the Tallinn Team Nomme Kalju, again with all proceeds going towards the testicular cancer apparatus. Many of the planned events allow men and their moustaches to get out and take advantage of Tallinn night life. A karaoke night will take place at an Old Town bar one night, and a small fee for singing will be donated towards the cancer checking machine. Men with moustaches will be allowed free entry to Hollywood Club one night of the week, and White hopes to set up a testicle checking clinic in the VIP room (then standing for “Very Important Pair”).

The month-long series of events will be capped off with a final bash featuring a live show by Estonian rocker Tanel Padar, who may also work on growing his own facial soup-strainer during Februhairy. The concert may feature a special performance of “Welcome to Hair-stonia” and an acoustic set in Club Seduction. In an eloquent show of support for the cause, Padar confirmed his involvement by saying “Anything for the balls.” Several prizes will be given out at this wrap-up party. In addition to items won for participation in events, a competition will be held for various types of moustaches and their degrees of repulsiveness or attraction. Several large companies have agreed to donate sizeable packages for the cause. These include use of a Land Rover Discovery for a weekend in Finland’s off road course, a home entertainment system, a paintball weekend for two, fleeces and other merchandise.

Discounts will be given to men wearing moustaches at several local bars and restaurants that display a Februhairy poster in their windows. Maintenance of the majestic facial hair will be available from a special hairdresser at the radio, providing trimming and styling services. White developed the idea for Februhairy in Estonia after speaking with some Australian friends and expressing his wish to put some effort into charity and contribute to a good cause. The Australians told him about the growing popularity of “Mowvember,” held in November in five Commonwealth countries. A moustache is termed a “mow” in Australia, and the month follows the same principles of growing a moustache and spreading awareness of testicular cancer prevention.

The main point of the project organized by White is to have fun and contribute to a little-recognized and worthy cause. He said that statistics show men often ignore this problem, although each year as many men die from testicular cancer as women die from breast cancer. White is in a prime position to champion the cause, given that the main demography listening to his morning show is men aged 17 - 35. This is also the age group at highest risk of developing testicular cancer. Women are not fully excluded from Februhairy although they commonly lack facial hair. The Australian version promotes “Mowsisters” who show their support by wearing fake moustaches and attend events in support of the guys. Cancer is a problem which bridges the gender gap in threatening important parts of the body. The moustache is a perfect tool to spread awareness for this cause throughout Februhairy. White said that having a moustache makes a visual statement, and can provoke conversation about the reason for the wearer sporting the new look. It is also a good symbol of health, opposite to the loss of hair which occurs when a patient is undergoing radiation therapy during cancer treatment.

White also points out that this type of social and enjoyable approach to a depressing subject is becoming trendier and more youthful. “It used to just be an old lady on the corner shaking a can to get coins for research. We don’t need to dwell on the fact that cancer is a dreadful thing. We all know that. It will always be that. What’s important is to not be negative but to make it fun and at the same time make people aware,” said White. More information about participating in Februhairy can be found at www.energyfm.ee.

Is the customer always right?

2010-10-26T08:51:00.000-07:00

Am I being old fashioned? When I walk up to the checkout in a supermarket to hand over my hard earned jobseekers allowance the last thing I want to hear from the woman behind the checkout is "D'ya wanna bag babe". I want to hear would you like a bag sir. I am paying her wages, actually this is a difficult one because she is paying mine also. It could be just the one I go in occasionally when there is nowhere quite so convenient, but it isn't a local one it's a chain. Oh it's the Coperative, there I said it.

It's not only in shops I am hearing this laid back couldn't give a damn about customer service type of attitude, familiarity breeds contempt and I hold many companies in contempt. I was in the Jobcentre on Monday ready to sign my name for my fortnightly cheque, it's easy to hear my name called I am the only White in there, as I sat down in front of a guy that looked about 18 his first words to me were "Hey dude what's up" I looked at him in disbelief, had I walked into a drug store by mistake, and I am not talking about Boots. He never checked my book that I take time and pride filling in so that they can see I am serious about finding work and he didn't even read it, probably not old enough to read yet. He looked at me again with what looked like love in his eyes and said "Yo Bro, how are you". He ain't my Bro he ain't even a White.

Shop, White collar and Orange staffseemed to have dumbed down their selection process, are they finding it hard to get staff? I called Orange the other day yet again to explain how my Internet on my phone wasn't working and got called Fella and Buddy! I have a question, why am I unemployed and these kind of people in the customer service sector?

The customer has always been and always will be the most important part of any transaction, we have a choice of where we go and we should vote with our feet and choose where we walk in to spend our ever decreasing pound.

A final word to the person that served me this morning in the Co-op and looked more like Sonny than Cher, I ain't your babe and you ain't got me.

13 live acts plus Cheryl

2010-10-25T09:01:00.001-07:00

I was so pleased to see John eliminated from the show this week, only so I can use this next line. Yes, we will be a nation of yodelers by this time next week as we ask, John Adeleye who? Which means of course we will also still be changing one letter of Wagner's name to more accurately describe the ugliest Brazilian ever and the only one who suffers from lack of rhythm. You'd think he might have a nice hair trim being Brazilian.

Staying on the subject of hair, John deserved to be voted off even before he opened his mouth, what was his hair all about? It was a girls bun! Still, when you have Louis Walsh as your guru it's more like having a cock than a Gok in your corner.

John can consider himself extremely unlucky to be on his way home while Wanker continues to annoy the majority of the viewers. Who is voting for him? Blind deaf people? There can't be that many Brazilians with phones surely. Seriously, who would vote for Wagner? He isn't good looking, he can't sing, can't dance, can't even talk properly, he should be working in a call centre.

Louis is an idiot though isn't he. Last year he gave us Jedward, this year he's in charge of the over 28 talent. Having said that, Mary can carry a tune, but a pop star? Perlease. She has the XXXL factor granted. Seeing her in top shop was a little uncomfortable for me so I dread to think how she felt.

But let's celebrate talent that was on show on Saturday night. Highlights for me were Matt Cardle singing a Britney classic. Coincidentally, earlier in the day I had been watching a show on ITV about worst ever performances at talent show auditions and the 'Baby one more time' was the most popular but also most murdered songs. Matt however made it his own and is looking very very likely to be there for many weeks to come. He can sing, he is good looking, can he dance? We haven't seen that side of him yet. One thing i don't like about him he has this annoying habit of putting his hands together like he's praying, stop it Matt. OK, that's my advice over with. Dannis' effort to be the best looking judge suffered another set back this week as it looked like she had been styled by Cock Walsh and she finished a poor second behind the beautiful Simon Cowell.

Cher (Daniella Westbrook lookalike) was on top form again, she is another strongly fancied contender for the X Factor title this year along with who I thought gave the best performance of the night Katie Waissel.

This weeks theme was guilty pleasures, I'm not sure whose guilty pleasure the jungle book is but I wouldn't think it's Katies and we know Cheryls Extremely guilty bordering on worrying pleasure is One direction. A group of young lads who are in Simons words "The next big thing". Well you are their mentor, you have a record label and more power in the music industry than anyone. Add that to their boyish good looks that will appeal to every teenager on the planet and you have the recipe for disaster to the music industry and teenagers parents pockets as posters, albums and tour dates and if they cause the same amount of media frenzy as Bieber fever then a book will be due out shortly also. Can you believe that, Bieber has his autobiography out. "Woke up, sucked my Mums breast, burped, gurgled a song, threw up and went back to sleep.

Rebecca Ferguson was tremendous again this week but her wardrobe needs some attention, I wouldn't want to be seen out with my girlfriend looking like she did in that dress, although it would be somewhere handy to place your pint. Cheryl thinks Rebecca ticks all the boxes, I think they shared the same hair colour bottle this week also. Why do I not like Cheryl? That's another 2000 word article for the future.

(Photo: Rooney shooting his mouth off)
I admit to having a few drinks on Saturday night, it tends to help me get through the monotonous repetition of "They are taking a real risk with this song". No they aren't, soldiers in Afghanistan are taking a risk, Wayne Rooney took a risk saying he wanted to leave Manchester United. Be honest, when you saw the news he had signed a new 5 year deal, did you put it down to the death threats from the angry mobs outside his home, or was his agent on the phone to 'Rent an angry crowd' persuading Rooney to take the new deal of £250,000 a week. Do you realise £250,000 would pay 10 soldiers salary for a year. Sick world isn't it. Anyway, I was in the kitchen preparing another Gin and tonic and wasn't in any hurry to get back to the living room as I could hear what I thought was the Talk Talk ad that they show at the and of each section of the show, then realised it was Belle Amie screaming. Maybe we have found the new spice girls.

If I didn't mention every act tonight then they were as forgettable to me now as they seemed on the night. Best performance this week goes to Katie, worst to Cheryl Cole, she even mimes out of tune. Mr Bublé was unimpressive, nothing wrong with his voice just didn't like the new song.

See you next week when I will be talking about how the FUNG a Wanger like that is still in.

My old man was a dustman

2010-10-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

He wore a dustman's hat, he never wore a hard one, there was no health and safety in those days for that!

Neither did he have a hi viz jacket, gloves or steel toe capped boots. The thing they did have that was steel were the bins they had to carry from peoples back gardens, walk to wherever the truck was parked where it wasn't causing any obstruction, lift it onto the back of the truck and empty it. Then of course carry it back to the garden, hop on the back of the truck and onto the next street.

Compare that scenario with todays ignorant, lazy, arrogant 'Environmental Industrial Hygienist'. Leave your bins no more than a metre from the edge of the road, pre-sort it and make sure you put it in the correct colour container. If it isn't in the bin it doesn't go in. They will endeavour to put your wheelie bin close to where they found it providing our first throw is within 3 metres of it's original location.

By the way, in the meantime they will hold up all the traffic in the street instead of pulling over politely by the side of the road. Well we wouldn't expect you to walk more than a metre to retrieve the next bin would we.
What is it with people in these type of jobs? Are they trying to make out their occupation is in some way as important as say a Policeman? Or maybe a doctor? I think recent government cuts didn't go far enough, they forgot to make all council refuse collectors redundant, or, make them work only at night when they can park where they want and not hold up people who have more important things to do than watch your arses at the rear of a truck all the way down the street.

Is there a law which says they have the right to obstruct the public highway for up to 30 minutes? It is just so typical of this country, minimum effort for maximum reward. How about getting all the unemployed to help out for their fortnightly cheque. Before anyone thinks I'm just on my soap box looking down on the unemployed, I am one of those people claiming Jobseekers allowance.

Cameron gets off DeFence and into a row

2010-10-20T01:16:00.000-07:00

What is defence? Well I know what it used to mean. Protecting ones homeland. When was the last time we were involved in a war of defence? There are 2 subjects I am not very good at, history and politics, however, I don't need 'O' Levels in either to know that the last war on British soil ended in 1945. Winston Churchill (He was the one with the big cigar and an alcohol problem, reminded me of WC Fields, that's how I remember him) lost the next election in 1945, there's gratitude for you. He won a war while pissed! proof we all think we can fight the world and win when we've had a drink, my guess is he wasn't too bothered about losing the next election either.

I think it's safe to say Cameron wont have won many friends when he announced cutting 17,000 jobs in the armed forces over the next 5 years and if he lasts 'til the next election which must be held by 11th June 2015 it's also safe to say that Labour will again repeat their great victory of 1945 while this once great Country leaves itself wide open to further attacks from foreigners.

Hold on, 10% of people now living in the UK have been invading us basically non stop, most people born outside Britain are from India - around one in ten of the population. There were 613,000 people born in India. Poland was the third most common country of birth, with 405,000 Polish-born people in the country. One in three people in London were born abroad, and two boroughs, Westminster and Brent, have a population in which the majority are foreign-born.

I know there will be many people reading this saying "Oh yeah but it's not the army's job, it's border control". Well may I suggest that the powers that be have been sticking their noses in too many other countries business and have forgotten the true meaning of the word defence, which is 'protection from harm, military action or resources protecting a country against potential enemies'. Who are our enemies, are we not engaged in a war of terrorism in our own country without going elsewhere looking for trouble like a group of football thugs at an away game. I truly believe they are making the cuts in the wrong places, surely the brains behind stopping atrocities like 7/7 at MI5/6 are the ones who should be on the front line for dismissal. Overpaid and incapable of doing their jobs satisfactorily, ironic that the description of their job is 'Intelligence'.

So we have approximately 6.3 million foreigners in our country, 2.4 million of those are Muslims. If we are going to invite the enemy over for dinner at least let's be here waiting for them when they arrive instead of being 'Out to lunch' in Afghanistan or Iraq.

If foreigners love our country so much let's get them fighting for us, give the new British nationals 2 years national service, a probation period to prove their loyalty to their new Country. We are paying them to do our jobs anyway. either that or they are claiming benefits so make them earn them. Before you get the idea this is all about people coming over here stealing our jobs and benefits I want to make it clear that I don't think all foreigners are lazy, dishonest people with no respect for our religion, rules and customs. They do many jobs us British would never do for the wages they work for, all i am saying is instead of sticking them in fields picking asparagus train them to prepare for the trenches, actually, dig trenches then plant asparagus in the spoil you dig out, 2 for the price of one. Every little helps.

OK some of this is with my tongue pressed firmly in my cheek, but don't tell me you haven't had the same thoughts at sometime. We have the reputation of being a soft touch, everyone is welcome, yes you are, but live by our rules and be prepared to fight for our beliefs and values. I am not xenophobic, I am not a racist, everyone regardless of colour or religion has a place in the world wherever they choose to live, BUT, do not move to another country and expect to live by your rules and values, do it on your own doorstep. I am quite a well travelled guy, I enjoy learning, living, respecting and enjoying other peoples cultures, I think Brits on the whole do, it's why we go abroad isn't it? Or am i living in my own little world and the main attraction in other countries is the sunshine and cheaper booze?

With or without a drink I hate violence of any kind. Prevention is better than cure, nuclear spending you could argue is essential if we want to remain one of the worlds super powers, but at what expense? I am not just talking about the £2 billion average spend weapons we will never use, I say never because even if they were ever used we would all be killed anyway, so why have them? Can we not put spending into things to improve the quality of life, better hospitals, more research into real threats to mankind like cancer and Cowell. 3 more years of the bloody XFactor, makes nuclear war sound like a more attractive option. Seriously though, the world has gone mad. Is a footballer really worth 1000 soldiers or nurses weekly wage? Of course not, but that's how sick this planet has become, we are living in an age where the only thing that's cool is being a drunk celebrity. In 1944 drunk celebrities won wars directing thousands of troupes to victory, the pilots in spitfires were real stars, flying on the seat of their pants without any technology other than a compass. These men and women were all for one cause, to make sure Britain stayed great, but all governments since Churchill have slowly released the reigns and lost direction. We have no rudder, just as well we have no aircraft carriers then also. If we did they would be drifting around the world ready to stick their bows in where they don't belong.

It's time for real men to run the country instead of toffee nosed public schoolboys who know absolutely nothing about the real world and will do anything to ensure that there isn't any trouble on their own doorstep. You have got it all wrong, all of you. Pavements used to have children playing hopscotch on them in streets where doors were never locked, drugs were something only rock stars did, that's the problem, everyone wants to be a rock star, forcing our children off the streets because they aren't safe to play on anymore, locking our doors and installing the latest alarm in case some wanna be rock star/Celebrity can't afford their fix this week. It's OK, the government (Tax payer) will foot the bill for your rehab or jail term and before you know it you will be back on your feet at the top of the ratings with a best selling autobiography explaining how you (WE HELPED YOU) got over your addiction, until the next book anyway.

I don't blame Cameron, or any one person for the state of our country and the world today, it is a succession of leaders who WE voted for that have slowly turned this country into a benefit state, for anyone and everyone to come to our country, put it in a terrible state and then benefit from their actions. Appalling.

Oi Churchill, could you save us money on our country insurance? OHHHHH YEESSSSSSSS

Honister to Manchester via Chile

2010-10-19T01:47:00.000-07:00

I recently revisited the Lake District, but as one of the 2 million that descend on the Cumbrian County annually i wanted to discover the lesser known attractions other than Lake Windermere.

It was my girlfriends birthday so I thought I would surprise her and do something really romantic, so I took her on a tour of Honister slate mine. As a snooker player I was fascinated to find out where the substance that gave me so many hours of pleasure in my youth came from. I would of had to of gone to Italy or Spain to see that as Honister concentrates mainly on the roof tiles that adorn such high profile homes as Buckingham Palace to name drop just one.

Honister mine is more than 900 years old and there are still guys today using drills and cheese wire cutting 'Clogs' to keep the rain off heads for the next hundred years. I was fascinated by the tour guides enthusiasm, I even whispered to myself "Calm down woman it's only a bloody slate mine". My assumptive attitude reduced me in size considerably as it became clear that her Grandfather, Father and now her Son have all worked in this dark, damp, ery and dangerous hell hole. Her Son was in fact the new owner of the mine and within moments her passion transferred to me and I could feel my eyes weeping like the lava ceiling lid on this million year old tomb. A place that over the years has taken many lives.

I emerged from that hole in a mountain a different man than the one that went in. Men would dig with hammer and chisel from morning 'til night, they would live in appalling conditions with little more than shelter from the dis gusting winds that howled around Honister. They would walk 40 or 50 miles with a sack of food for their 2 week shift, the sack would be their mattress and it's content their fuel for what must of been a horrendous job in abominable conditions.

These men were real men, they would be paid what they were worth by the tonnes of slate they managed to extract with their bare hands, no explosives, no modern computers. Imagine this, 80% of what they used to mine was deemed unusable as it was too small. Now of course they waste nothing. you can buy anything from a head stone to a wine rack made from the worlds finest slate.

The dangers of mining are ever present and unless you have been stuck down a mine for the last 5 months you will be aware of the Chile disaster which thankfully turned into a miracle. 33 miners stuck 800 metres below ground with nothing to do except clear away the rubble caused by their rescuers efforts to free them. We all know now that they were all freed unscathed, apart from miner number 21 who was met by his mistress at the surface, my guess is he will have a few minor bumps and bruises after returning home.

What does all this have to do with Manchester which I featured in the title of this piece? Wayne Rooney! Actually, every premiership footballer, particularly those at clubs like Manchester United, Man City, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool.

Next time Rio Ferdinand gets a little twinge in his back send him to Honister for a tour, it's great exercise for the body and also the mind. You are pathetic all of you. Never done a days work in your life. You drive around in your sports cars to your long driveway mansions in your Armani suits and Gucci man bags, you are not men you are sad excuses of a species that would never have evolved and survived without real men like the boys from Honister who were united in their efforts and always delivered the goods.

It's about time these walking advertising hoardings were paid exactly what they were worth, pay them for good results not failure. Rooney supposedly one of the top strikers in the world is about to be rewarded for what can only be honestly described as a failure and will earn upwards of £200,000 a week with an imminent move to Manchester City, Chelsea, or hopefully abroad somewhere. May I recommend Amsterdam Ajax, I think even you can score there Wayne going on recent performances.

The courage, determination and teamwork those 33 Chilean miners just showed would be a fine example to set any footballer, I have a suggestion, 33 miners that's 3 football teams, get them on a football tour of the Premiership, Manchester United, City and Chelsea watch out because the real men are coming to get you and they will shaft the lot of you.

Football has dug itself into a huge hole without any hope of escape, clubs will continue to go into administration as long as there are individuals who think they are bigger than the team and club itself, it isn't just the players but chairmen and owners alike.

If I were a manager or a director of a football club today there would be a clause in everyone's contract which said they must visit Honister mine and do the tour of duty, duty to yourselves, your fans and for just 1 hour of your lives experience what it's like to do a proper days work for a ridiculous amount of money instead of sweet FA.

An ascending profession

2010-10-15T06:15:00.001-07:00

After reading an article in 'Stylist' by the much read and respected Grace Dent about 'Lap dancing clubs' I felt compelled to give a males point of view and run a few of my ideas up the pole.

Russell Brand was used as an example to make the assumption that just because someone has endless amounts of money and opportunities at his disposal is in some way a barometer of his class. I hardly think Brand is a role model of anything that is decent or morally correct, he is certainly not in the running to win Mr Tasteful 2010 and definitely is not a true reflection of 'Modern man'.

He seems to have met his perfect match though in Katy Perry which only highlights the fact that he made the right choice of venue to celebrate his forthcoming marriage. I can remember back when all my friends were getting married we would go out for a meal, or a simple pub crawl, get the groom drunk, strip him naked and chain him to a pole. My how things have changed. Now stag nights are held weeks, sometimes months in advance, the guys have gone abroad to hide their dirty needs and dirty deeds, while the 'Hen party' go on a pub crawl, cover a Chippendale type stripper in baby oil and slide up and down on his pole, ultimately ending with him squirting Anchor cream, or something similar sounding, all over her tattooed, pierced torso.

Meanwhile the guys over in Eastern Europe are watching a highly paid, unchained willing participant provide the entertainment for the red faced stag. Could be worse, it could have been him on public display on a pole in the early hours of the morning. I guess we have evolved a little at least.

The question of need and the supply in the sex industry is as old as the profession itself. If there were no dancers or prostitutes would there be people scouring the streets raping innocent women. I know there will always be rapists and murderers, but do they decrease because we have ladies of the night. You could say that it would actually reduce the number of rapes and murders if they took them off the streets, hooker haters like Sutcliffe and Jack the ripper might have ended up model citizens. I am not blaming the women, or condoning violence towards women or anyone for that matter, I am trying to make the point that there are arguments for and against the need for a sex industry.

So are Lap dancing clubs just a bit of harmless fun? I admit I was persuaded to visit one with two friends one night. Neither of us were on a stag night, in fact my mates were divorced, lack of sex from their wives was one of the reasons, I don't think that's how the court papers worded it but that was the gist of it, Husbands unreasonable sexual demands or something like that.

This is one of my theories on why men use lap dancing clubs and/or brothels. The trouble with us men is we want you ladies to multitask, now as the masters of that talent we find it difficult to accept that you can't be our whore in the bedroom, a loving Mother to our children and a Lady everywhere other than in the bedroom. It's a fact that many men like to just talk to women when they visit clubs or other establishments, some like to practice their little quirks and fantasies that they wouldn't dream of asking the mother of his children to perform. This could be one of the reasons too many men are out hugging curbs instead of at home hugging their partners.

I would personally prefer to stick pound notes down my girlfriends knickers in the privacy of my own flat, pound notes? shows how long ago it was. I would willingly don my g-string and gyrate for my partner in return for her efforts, well OK to get my pound notes back also.

There is an obvious solution to this problem for the girls that feel used and exploited, DON'T DO IT, GET A PROPER DECENT JOB. And there in lays the problem, they know they are in an industry that pays like no other job, you can rise to the top of your profession without any danger of being beaten onto the board by one of those bosses you dance for on a regular basis, you are top dogs and you are welcome to it.

You have equal rights, you chained yourself to the railings and burnt items of clothing years ago to symbolise this, I think it's time you put them back on. You complained of being chained to the kitchen sink and were set free to seek whatever you desired and rightly so. Incidentally, I didn't see any chains on the legs or arms of those women that danced for my two friends when we entered that establishment, I was merely there for research purposes you understand which I knew would come in handy one day, who would of thought this day would ever come.

I am proud to say that I never actually stooped low enough to place any money in the dancers underwear, I thought it would be wrong to donate money to a cause that would only lead to her wanting to stay in the job even longer. The truth of the matter is there will always be guys willing to depart with their titty tokens while there are women who when asked why they do it often come up with a reason like "We don't know anything else" well use some of the money to learn instead of mashing your brains up even more with drugs.

It looks like the slim shiny silver steel mountain will be climbed in clubs around the world forever more, why? Because it's there.

A Constable makes it into a top London art gallery

2010-10-13T09:26:00.000-07:00

Nothing remarkable you might think reading that headline. Until you realise it isn't John the 19Th century landscape painter but 8 year old Cheyenne Constable from Hastings. She has just managed what many great well known artists in the past have failed to achieve and joins other great masters such as Leonardo da Vinci, Raphael, Manet, Monet, Gauguin and Picasso by having her work displayed at the London Academy of Art.

Cheyenne will be presented with a certificate at her school this Friday, then be treated to a day out in London where all the winners in this years 'Sightsavers' competition will visit the London Aquarium, enjoy a behind the scenes tour of the Royal Academy, and be presented with their certificate and prizes in an awards ceremony. They will also win a painting workshop for their school which will take place in early next year.

Huge news right? Wrong. BBC South East today programme don't see it as newsworthy and radio stations that showed initial interest in the story failed to get back to the child proud single parent Simon.

I guess it isn't as exciting as Katy Perry turning up at a book signing dressed in painted on jeans, or even Katie Price out shopping for a new horse or bigger boobs, but hang on, this is an 8 year old girl who has accomplished something great artists in history have never conquered, her painting hanging in the Royal Academy of Arts gallery, did you misunderstand anything there?

If Cheyenne was on BGT or XFactor I'm sure you would be writing about her and talking about her every day of the week, digging up as much dirt on her to make headline news for your Sunday roasting. Well hang on a minute, I think she did once drop a bread crumb from her lunch box on the school bus and another pupil did pick it up, eat it and die of the resulting infection, and it just so happens that the Father of the poor girl that died from eating that crumb was once arrested on suspicion of child molestation but later released after insufficient evidence and the case was dropped, maybe now you are interested?

What is it with this country, why can we not celebrate the good instead of celebrate the bad celebrity, in fact the bad in anyone. If someone does good lets look for more good, not start the never ending pursuit of dirt, there is worthy news in good things, especially in those who are not yet famous, there is so many stories in the unknown, let's tell those stories, at least until the tabloids get hold of them.

The Sightsavers 'Sad World' exhibition takes place from 15 October to the 10 November in the Café at the Royal Academy. It is open daily and entry is free.

George out, Katie in, Lap dancer going down and Charlotte out

2010-10-13T02:36:00.000-07:00

Words like "I just want to start again" and "I am going to be around so much you guys are going to get sick of me". George, go away, do what you want, we do not care. I never cared back in the 90's. Do a Ridgley and disappear.

We know you are out, you came out years ago. Wow, you spent time in prison and it gave you inspiration for a song did it. What's the title, Jailhouse cock? Is it a love song? Grow up, stop taking drugs, go and do something honest and worthwhile. I heard there are 33 jobs down a mine going.

Quirky Katie as she is dubbed continues to annoy the nation it seems, not only was she blamed for Gamus exit, I don't mean the deportation, just expulsion from the XFactor, now she took the place in round 2 of many peoples favourite boy band FYD. For those of you that didn't know FYD stands for Feel Your Dick. Their performance was bordering on obscene especially on a show aimed also at youngsters.

If you felt sorry for them on Sunday night, any sympathy would have evaporated if you saw them interviewed on Daybreak the following morning. When asked how they felt about being knocked out so early, one replied, not sure which one he was, how many were there? 5? That's blown my joke then, I was going to say well it wasn't Feel, I'm pretty sure it wasn't Your, so it must have been Dick who replied "It's nice not to have to wake up every day and learn a new song and sing all the time, it will be nice to get some sleep". Not really what record producers want to hear.

Charlotte Church is feeling the strings of love still pulling at her as she sees ex Gavin Henson on just about everything at the moment. She has blamed the reality show 71 degrees North for her split from the Welsh rugby player and Father to their 2 children. She claims that when he went away he had lots of time to reflect on his life and came back a different person. they both thought it was best to split up while the kids were still young??? Some people just do not deserve children, namely celebrities and politicians who use them as pawns to further their careers and profile.

What ever happened to Gavin's Father Jim, you remember him, invented the Muppets, I am pretty sure they modelled Rowlf on Gavin. Come on girls get a life, he looks like a basset hound, if he had a body like mine you wouldn't look twice. Men are more than pieces of meat Ladies, have some respect.

(Photo: Gavin ready for a waltz)

Nadine Quashie, there's a name you wont be familiar with, unless you are a regular in Stringfellows. She is the lap dancer centre stage in court this week citing unfair dismissal. Earning £200,000 a year wasn't enough for this single Mum who felt she was being exploited (Really in a lap dancing club) by the owners of the top Covent garden night spot. She is claiming every hour on the hour she would have to dance naked for free whenever the trigger song Girls girls girls was played. I would dance naked free every night to Boys boys boys for 1200 quid. Look on the bright side, at least you didn't have to shag the boss for sticking his wonga down your garter. A spokesman for Stringfellows claims she was fired for using drugs. No way, a stripper on drugs! Whatever next.

A row has broken out on Twitter after insults were 'Tweeted' by JLS fans to Tulisa (She's the female one in N Dubz) claiming Dippy, I mean Dappy, threw a plastic bottle at JLS as they left the radio 1 studios. My theory is the N Dubz front man heard their live performance and thought they needed to clear their throats a little. Should of thrown a mirror at them so they could practice their miming. It all got a bit heated on Twitter with insults flying back and forth and it eventually came to an end when Dappy told Tulisa to shut it man or they would lose the 50% off deal he had negotiated for a new sofa.

Nice to see Dappy is acting in a more Eco friendly violent manner. Unfortunately mate it seems in Trashy tongued Tulisa you have a bag for life.

A new joint to challenge Bannatyne?

2010-10-12T08:25:00.000-07:00

There is a new threat to Duncan Bannatyne’s empire in the shape of London Councils.

12 new Gyms are planned with 2 already to my knowledge fully operational. I have to say the risk of the council eating into Bannatyne’s fortunes are about as likely Wagner winning the X Factor or Jedward ever singing a note in tune.
I have a few concerns about whether or not my council tax is being spent wisely. My initial thought was great, free gym, but there must be a cost somewhere along the line. Do parks in London really need a gym? There isn’t even a Childs play area in the park, but OK I don’t have any kids, it might look like I am expecting one very soon so free exercise seems like a wise choice by Greenwich council.

What is the downside to an outdoor gym in England? well the obvious things like inclement weather conditions, vandals and also due to the lack of fencing surrounding it, the fact that foxes, dogs, and, George Michael is back on the loose don’t forget, so anything that roams the parks at night which means I could end up with God knows what all over my torso. That’s where the open air bit comes into its own, the rain can wash all the previous nights evidence away, there isn’t a CCTV camera in sight so we might never know who it was that had to go go before we wake up.

The pluses are that when the sun shines it’s nice, great surroundings, birds tweeting, no guys I don’t mean girls sitting around in leotards on their lap tops. The air is clean no smelly grunters and groaners and thankfully for me no mirrors in which to chirp who’s a pretty boy then.

(Photo: Is that Alan Sugar fresh from the gym?)

When I saw them constructing it last week I thought well how can people change the weights they are lifting, but all became clear today as I used the machines for the first time, by clever design you simply lift your own weight, which is a little unfair really, as the heavier and fatter you are the more you have to lift, now I know they, sorry we, are the ones who need to lose most kilos but no need to punish us so heavily. All in all I enjoyed my first workout, I feel rejuvenated, energised and positive, all those great feel good feelings we get from exercise. I never had to do one of those really embarrassing introductory assessments which other gyms make compulsory and best of all, it didn’t cost a penny.

As I started my second circuit I was interrupted by a guy in a suit obviously from the council asking what I thought of the new attraction in the park and had I heard any other feedback from other local residents. I pointed out that I thought it was amazing they put a gym there instead of a play area considering how many families came to walk their dogs. He said they had to consider what they thought the area needed and this was the result. In answer to his question regarding what I thought of the equipment I had no complaints really other than the ‘Treadmill’ was a bit of an accident waiting to happen, you know those things at airport security that you roll your bags along on for them to go through the X-ray machine, well that’s what the running machine is like, impossible to run on in the dry weather, it might be worth taking a camcorder along during the winter and sending a few clips off to 'You’ve been framed', nice little earner.

I enjoyed my first work out, but as I was just finishing off and hoping for a rain shower but unfortunately another shower emerged and I got a sharp reminder of why Bannatyne’s fortunes are secure for now as 3 hoodies turned up smoking weed. One headed straight for the bench press which must have been his first ever time in a ‘Gym’ and after 5 reps exclaimed, “This is easy, I could do this all day long”. I presume he was referring to the joint in his mouth.

(Photo: The wrong kind of leaves are falling this autumn in our parks)

Grumpy middleaged man. These are a few of my least favourite things

2010-10-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

As i grow older it seems more things annoy me, or is it that when I was younger I believed I had more important things going on in my life, things that I cared more about, like drinking, girls, football and drinking, girls and football.

I never used to let trivial things bother me, or are they trivial? I have always known the correct and polite way to conduct myself, but maybe I too was once too much of a 'Twat' to worry about it.

I will put my pet hates in list form but in no particular order other than that's the way they come into my head, because number 1 is first it doesn't mean it annoys me anymore than number 10, although the reason for today's number 1 is the fact that it happened to me on my way to the park earlier today.

1. I was driving in a polite manner as I always do, if the obstruction is on my side I will stop and allow oncoming traffic their right of way, sometimes I will even reverse back if I have gone a little prematurely (Something I hasten to add happens a lot less the older you get, so there's one positive from a negative). If I am the recipient of such politeness i never fail to show my appreciation with a flash of the lights or a wave of my hand, most of the time I oblige with both. So why do so many other people think it is their God given right to swan around the roads like they own a larger proportion of them than I do? I cannot stand ignorance. Wave, smile, even a little flash (Of your lights) It will make you feel better as well as me.

2. Oh here we go, celebrities that have had such a hard life they turn to alcohol and drugs. They complain about how hard it was coping with fame and fortune. Get over yourselves and go and try doing a proper days work. Do what I did, as I wasn't lucky enough to have been born with a silver spoon or a microphone in my mouth. Early mornings in the English and Estonian winters, digging holes and shovelling shit for 8 hours a day, then have to spend the rest of your life on pain killing prescription drugs for a bad back. You need to be sent to the workhouse not rehab.

3. Kind of a lead on from the previous rant, the 'Ladette' culture looks as if it is here to stay and get even more acceptable in today's and future society. If I happen to be lucky enough to get a Grandson I think it will be impossible for him to ever know what it feels like to have the love of a Lady. There will be so few left, but I guess they will be easier to spot, they will stand out in the crowd as the only one on 2 legs upright and not sprawled out drunk with their skirts round their necks and a condom hanging out of every orifice. I am not suggesting we go back to Victorian times, but i don't want to live in Dicktorian times either. There are enough male idiots in the world without you girls adding to it, besides, you are so much more attractive when you are ladies, oh, but not in the bedroom OK.

4. Phone in competitions on daytime TV and phone in voting! We are at the stage now where we the public are paying in so many different ways for the trash TV channels are dishing up. You are not offering any prizes, you are getting all the public to donate the prize then giving some of it to the winner and using the rest to make the next hour of rubbish. We should all agree one day to let just 1 person call in for the £25,000 cash prize their mortgage paid for a year and free hair extensions for life whatever they are bribing you poor bored housewives with on 'This Morning'.

Let's sting them, make them put up the prize. But you know what, we wont, because we are either gullible or brainwashed. The world has gone mad, TV has gone bad and creativeness is stifled by easy off the shelf reality shows, so not only do they want us to pay for everything they want us to be the bloody stars as well.

5. The cube. Do I really need to say anything other than it's a kids show presented by a kids TV presenter. So ITV move them both to where they belong.

6. Employers. I hate the way employers today suffer from two major faults. Narrow mindedness and their inability to give the older job hunter the opportunity to prove that they can do the job as well as, if not far better than the new kids on the block. I have been actively seeking employment in London for the past three months. I have applied in various fields including different sales positions in direct sales, telesales, customer service, retail sales, call centres (I don't think they could understand my accent), building and construction and i even got desperate enough to apply for an estate agent position.

I can understand them wanting to hire a 20 year old instead of a 48 year old with tonnes of life experience, in fact no I can't understand it. They will be drunk for the weekend which means Monday is out of the question, they might wake up by noon in time to check their personal emails and Facebook messages, switch on MSN and it will be time for a liquid lunch and a hair of the dog. Back by 3 to have a scroll through Twitter to see what they have been missing and that's basically Monday done. Tuesday will be spent catching up on Mondays work, plus of course Twitter, Beebo, Facebook MSN and oh yeah someone they met at the weekend on a late night chat line only has Yahoo so I better download that as no one ever downloads yahoo unless its to use so the girlfriend doesn't catch you.

Repeat for Wednesday for catch up on Tuesday and Thursday might get Wednesdays back log sorted and then Friday it's time to get ready for the weekend, maybe get the latest games and tunes on the ipadstationberry, then a nice early Friday to beat the traffic home. Or is that just me being ageist?

7. People that lick celebrities arses as if they are Gods, I don't think even a Gods arse deserves licking by the way. You see it all the time on Twitter, it's like everyone is afraid to say what they feel just in case they offend them, trust me they probably either wont see it or reply to it if they do. I hate when celebrities are interviewed, I mean when the interviewer reads out the questions given to them by the celebrity, they write nearly all their own questions and will only do the interview if the host agrees. Well what's the point of asking questions the celeb wants asked? I want to know what I want to know.

Yes I know if i was a chat show host nobody would want to come on because they want the safe questions, well I ain't interested in safe and boring, I want to be entertained, to know stuff I didn't hear asked on the radio show in the morning, or on every other channel that they are pushing their latest book or movie on. Same with politicians, they never ever answer a question, well I don't want to see them interviewed then. If they do answer it's with another question, maybe they should be the chat show hosts and the chat show hosts the politicians, yeah, Wogan for Prime minister.

I was surprised the other night watching Qi XL to see Jimmy Carr totally blown out of the water by Jack Dee and Alan Davies, without a script Carr was made to look inferior and totally out of his depth. Stick to your scripted stuff Jimmy, improv isn't for you. See, that's my boot up his arse not my tongue.

8. News of the world newspaper. Intrusive, sensationalising, scare mongering trappers and destroyers of celebrities, the lowest of the low. Keep up the good work.

9. Call centres and mobile phone companies, well, mainly mobile phone call centres, but in general any company you call and have to go through a list of options pressing all different keys, type in your mobile number, then wait 15 minutes on hold listening to some annoying music. If my signal is still strong enough and i don't get cut off, which is incidentally the reason for my call in the first place, the first thing they ask for is your phone number!

Recently because 12 out of 17 of my nearest masts have faults you can imagine I have been cut off many times before actually getting to speak to a human. Ah maybe the reason the recording asks you to type in your number is so they can call you back if they lose you, no chance.

If you are lucky enough to get through the chances of you understanding the person on the other end of the phone in Delhi are almost zero. That's why there are numbers on their menus in restaurants, we cant understand you and you us so keep off my mobile help line, you are not helping. I thought I was lucky the other day I got transferred to a British call centre, in Glasgow, thanks a lot, I asked them immediately to put me back to Delhi.

While I am on the subject of accents, I think the BBC are going slightly overboard with the use and good will gesture of intergrating Welsh, Irish and Scottish presenters. I don't think you will hear many English presenters in their countries.

10. I hate the fact that all these best or worst of articles always come in tens.

News in briefs

2010-10-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

I can assure you the title of this particular article is not a reference to my attire at this moment. I looked through a few newspapers and even braved the odd TV programme this week, something I have been avoiding as I found more interesting things to do with my life like seeing how far I could poke chopsticks in my ears without turning my brain into chop suey, you can be the judges on whether or not I was successful.

I sunk almost as low as a Jeremy Kyle guest this morning when I watched the Jeremy Kyle show. I will add at this point that was the first and last time it will happen. Forgive me if I have lived a sheltered life but I never knew people like that really existed, or is it because I have rarely visited north UK? After that comment I probably never will again.

Kyle quipped to one of his guests, "Your story is amazing, you couldn't write this stuff". Jeremy, I don't think she could even write her name. She had married a guy she met on a bus after knowing him for only 4 months, he never speaks to her other than tickets please and hold on tight, on their wedding night he disappeared telling her he had to go and pick up his dog from his ex girlfriends who lived 10 minutes away from their bridal suite, 2 hours later he came back panting (Not the dog). Well she was gutted because the night before she had been practicing so hard with her ex as she didn't want to disappoint her new husband in the bedroom now did she. Well, 3 months later she has a baby girl, she is on the Kyle show to get a DNA test carried out to see if her new hubby is the Father or her ex. She didn't need a DNA test she needs a bloody calendar, or at least a calculator, I know she would find it difficult adding 4 and 3 together.

Another guy on there from Liverpool was in trouble with his partner for disappearing for months on end but denied he had another woman, well she demanded he take a lie detector test and it turns out he had stolen 67 car stereos, 27 wheels (One was a reliant Robin) and 14 Betamax video players, I am not the brightest person on the planet but even I know they have been replaced by VHS. Seriously though it turns out he had been seeing other women as the lie detector proved, you should have stolen a SAT NAV our kid you might have found your way home occasionally.

It's nice to see politicians sticking their noses in where it's not wanted, MP Jeremy Hunt (That is cockney rhyming slang apparently) is telling parents on benefits to "Stop having children". What else are they going to do if you keep giving them money for doing fuck all; sorry I got those 2 words round the wrong way. Ed Milliband the new Labour leader who of course is not in government and probably never will be suggested it should be up to families to decide how many children to have. No Ed, look what happened when your parents followed that philosophy. (Am I alone in thinking Hunt might be receiving a little lip love in this photo)

Other victims of government interfering this week include Disabled Granny Anne Marshall who has had her allowance cut by £860 because she has been declared fit for work by a government appointed doctor despite suffering from Arthritis, Osteoporosis, is at the moment undergoing chemotherapy for bone cancer and has an irregular heart beat. The doctor pointed out that she can walk 200 metres unaided, great, maybe you have some ideas on what job she could do? England goalkeeper perhaps? A definite improvement I say.

Speaking of football, poor David Beckham has had to take a £2 million pay cut this year from 11m to a miserly 9m, this after his company Footwork productions showed a drop in profits from 800K last year to 15K in 2010. I see his maths is as good as ever, I would like to have an accountant like he's got. Don't worry too much David, you still have enough money to buy a few more houses, prices dropped by a record 3.6% last month.

The huge story this week, well so huge it's been dubbed another 'Gate', we've had 'Watergate', then many other important ones like when that pop star guy came out as gay, that was 'Garethgate', now we have 'Gamugate'. The only gate that springs to my mind is the airport gate that leads to the Zimbabwe Air flight to Harare. What is wrong with a percentage of people in this country, over 200,000 complaints at her being axed from the show, is it any coincidence that is roughly how many viewers Jeremy Kyle gets in a week?. Hold on let me work that out, average 3 guests a show, about 50 in the live audience, generally a 13 week run of the series, multiplied by 2 series a year, I make that a total of 1,378, ah, almost forgot the relations of the guests on the shows, yeah so that makes the figure up to 200,000. Where was I? Yes, 200,000 actually went on facebook to set up a page to keep Gamu in the competition and of course in the country. The fact that many people actually typed into a computer blows my theory out of the water about it being Kyle viewers, oh well, we now have at least 400,000 idiots in the country. Never mind campaigning not to kick her out of the competition and send her home, send her home home. Gamu it's a 'Ayewha' from England and Chisarai Zvakanaka.

That judge woman man, warraraya talking aboot woman man, Ya noo the Geordie lass that was in Spice dolls or pussy galore, ya noo who I’m talking aboot pet, she were married to that footballer that auditioned for an underwear commercial by sending pictures of himself willy nilly to girls on his mobile. He wasn't worth it pet and neither are you, you showed yourself to be a wussycat doll for not standing up for what you believe in just so you don't upset the hand that's fed you, possibly explains why she never left Ashley when he was unfaithful the first time, by the way, why is she still calling herself Cole?

Don't get me started on the other judges and their decisions. Louis Walsh, get on the same plane as Gamu and take Mary Byrne with you. I see you have adopted her as your twins for this year but I do agree with her going through to the final based on the fact she is through on merit as the best in the over 28 stone category.

And oh my god how sorry do I feel for those who got a vote of confidence from Natalie Imbruglia then having to sit in front of Danni Minouge and be told no you are not good enough. Danni what have you ever done other than be the sister of a little soap star. For all you Kylie fans it is only the fact that she has a fit arse (according to the sad 200,000 that voted for her, no doubt Kyle fans that can't spell) I mean come on, what is happening with this show? I get it!!! Its working isn't it, you are getting the country talking, more publicity. Well guess what Mr Cowell and all your sad producers, you are contributing to what is wrong with so much in the world today and that is a lack of honesty and integrity for the sake of sensationalising TV, you are misguiding these modern day freak show contestants and sentencing them to a lifetime of misery and an uneducated understanding of what real life is actually like, shame on you.

Other celebrities showing themselves up in public this week include Britney spears turning out in a nightie for a recent shopping trip, Claudia Winkleman for falling out of a bar drunk, nice to see the BBC are employing top class presenters for their flagship shows such as Film 2010. While on the subject of the BBC I would like to complain about another annoying presenter, actually make that 3 presenters on 'Watchdog' Anne Robinson needs putting out to stud in a lesbian stud farm and who are those two twats on a bike? Not a bad title for their segment BBC bosses if you are reading this. Or how about Lairy bikers? (Photo: The signs of too much alcohol are beginning to show on Winklemans nose)

It's reassuring to know that there is a consumer programme dedicated to sorting out all the important issues in life like carrier bags that split if you overload them and the grass that isn't necessarily greener if you buy it from Premier turf in Birmingham. Again, sensationalisationism (Is that a word?) For the sake of making a TV programme. I know why they gave you a motorbike for that particular slot, if that turfing guy had of caught you you would be in the base underneath his next lawn.

In more serious news this week, the Nobel peace prize nominees have been announced and they are..
Bill Clinton for starting the war with Iraq.
Tony Blair for starting the war with Afghanistan
Bono for supporting terrorism and the International space Station??? Where did that one come from? And the winner is.....The international space station, I'm sorry it can't be with us tonight....

Another contender for biggest story of the week is undoubtedly the Commonwealth games, which after a few false starts finally crossed the start line with an excellent firework display Delhi style, street eatery customers all farting in unison whilst holding clipper lighters to their arses. It's like their version of the Mexican wave, or Mexican shave if it goes wrong, it's like a Brazilian but you even lose that little strip of hair. Anyway, back to the real stories oozing out of every corner of the games village. After the collapse of a bridge and a ceiling and athletes pulling out because of fears over hygiene in the country. How many tourists go there every year? The perfect country for athletes I would of thought, especially those in running events, you can't travel to India without getting a bit of Delhi belly, it's in the guide books. The swimmers are complaining of upset stomachs, you are supposed to swim in it not drink it, Rebecca Addlington said she had been suffering from the effects, difficult to stop it going up that nose I guess. She went on to win gold in the 800 metres freestyle by a nose no doubt.

They think the pool is bad there, you wait 'til London 2012 and they realise the Thames is the swimming venue, people used to jump of Tower Bridge to kill themselves, now they just drink a cup of it.

One final piece of news from Delhi, the cause of the problem of the blocked drains was the discovery of 1000 condoms stuck in the pipes, so either Mark Owen or Tiger Woods have taken up athletics.

Danielle Brown also won gold and made history for being the first paralympic athlete to represent England at the games. If all goes wrong for you in the archery Danielle England are on the lookout for a decent goalkeeper.

We don't only need a decent goalkeeper we also need a good striker, someone that can score somewhere other than a brothel. Rooney’s team mate Federico Mercheda has hit out at Rooney in an interview branding him a "Coatto" which translated means having no class, a peasant. I am not sure if that is a fair comment or not as I haven't even seen the hookers he went with, I have seen Coleen on the other hand and Mercheda does have a point.

On the brighter side, the Chilly Chilean miners are due to be released by the weekend, they are absolutely furious, so would I be, have you seen the state of their wives waiting at the top for them. One more thought on the Chileans suffering down that mine, I have just had a bottle of wine from there so you are not alone in your experience of pain.

And finally.......Did you know that there is no mention of the Burqa in the Koran ? There must be a Hassan Mohamed Wan somewhere in the world making a lot of money, good luck to you, I am thinking of bringing out a range of sunglasses to finish off the outfit. (Photo: Can she hear anything, or the person on the other end? Maybe she calling a muslim friend and they can't hear each othger, what's the point?)

What a shame?

2010-10-07T05:51:00.000-07:00

NO! not a shame, maybe a sham?

Whatever the reason behind the latest offering from Robbie Williams and his old pal and band mate Gary Barlow I don't care, because it really is quite good.

It's their first collaboration in 15 years and my initial impression was "Yeah not bad", after finally disabling the repeat function after 2 days and 83 listens I now know the song off by heart and absolutely love it.

I have always been a huge Robbie fan, even when he was huge back in those Take That days in the 90's, he was and always will be known I guess as 'The fat one' from Take That. But, here is a tip for all you fatties who have eaten every diet ever put in front of you, take drugs, develop an alcohol problem and shag everything when you get the chance and the weight will fall off you (Women take precautions or you will put weight on). Another thing that comes with becoming an alcoholic drug addict, the public will feel sorry for you, buy all your records and give you loads more drug and beer tokens. Not only will you lose a few years off your life but the waistline also.

I can vividly remember Robbie's come back single 'Let me entertain you', I remember thinking, wow that's the fat one from Take That, but thinner, not only has he lost a few kilos he has gained a better voice from somewhere, still that little cockiness but then that's what attracts so many people to him of all ages and sex, the Mothers want to Mother him, the young girls want to help him lose a bit more weight without the drugs and drink and guys want to be like him. I have watched him in recent interviews and he seems like a really nice Man now, I hate you more than ever Robbie.

I think there is a bit of cynicism in all of us so when I heard he was bringing out a new single with his old mate Gary Barlow I must admit I was a little sceptical. My first thought before hearing the track was "Oh who cares that they were friends, then fell out and are now friends again". What is this, two former band mates and pals making up in public after an argument? Maybe one has a new album coming out! (Well yes actually they do, Robbie is releasing his greatest hits 2 and 'What a shame' is the title track from it) But I honestly don't think he is doing it for publicity, he is not on the look out for a new girl as he is very happy and about to marry the love of his life Aida, besides Mark Owen is the new one getting fruity in a bunch of flings. Through all the scandals that celebritydom attracts, one rotten 'Orange' can't ruin the Barlow. (I know what you're thinking, it wasn't Jason Orange that had the affairs, I know, even more of a shame is the fact his name wasn't Jason Apple) Gary is also still the most talented member of any boy band in the history of boy bands. Am I to include the Beatles in that category, if so, I am sorry Messrs Lenon and McCartney but your neighbour along the M62 has written arguably more classics than yourself, Imagine that.

Williams and Barlow, maybe not the same ring to it and I have to admit this first attempt at a writing partnership is no 'Hey Jude' or 'Yesterday', but I am sure it will be the tomorrow. OK the lyrics to 'What a shame' are a little lame, it's basically two blokes explaining how miffed they were at each others success, having little digs at each other even while joking about the ridiculousness of their past feud. Robbie sings how much he wanted Gary to feel his pain and Gary retorting how he felt like crying so much he could of filled the Albert hall with his tears. Is it coincidence he chose that vessel to show the volume of his tears, it just so happens to be the venue Gary arranged a recent concert and coincidentally gave Robbie a little spot on the bill.

So is the song a public announcement that the couple are back for good, all their differences are behind them and we can all look forward to some more magic from Gary, Jason, Robbie, Mark and the other one who isn't or never was fat? I think the circus is finally over, I hope it's for real and not just another kiss and make up scam by Max Clifford. I sincerely hope not, because after listening to 'What a shame' for the 89th time now, I think it would have been a shame if they hadn't made up, even if only for this one song. It's a classic in the making and will go down in 'Making up songs' history.

When or if you do have a listen to it, make sure you listen right 'til the end, because you can still detect all is not amicable as they are both still trying to get the last word in, there is only one way to sort this feud out once and for all, get them in the ring, Harry hill prime time Saturday night, FIIIIIIIGGGHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! Have a listen here, www.youtube.com/watch?v=tv49bC5xGVY

let me know what you think. @pitstopmark

3 days of Al Queda Attacks planned

2010-04-17T13:50:00.000-07:00

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an> agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the> number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be> cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60.

The rationale for the> cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, & Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in> return; but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth Speaking from his shed> in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns; but, Al Qaeda is simply not in a> position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities> of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western> depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying> people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."Spokespersons for the union in the South of England stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway." Apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

2010-04-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

I have been a fan of Twitter now for little over a year and most mornings my first thought is Twitter. What did I miss during the 6 hours sleep after I managed to drag myself away from the only blue sky and birds I've seen since going down with the 'Twitter bug'. Sad? Yes!

Over the past 15 years I have been lured virtually into every chat room, dating site, been offered the chance to put my most embarrassing moment ever on a tube outside the confines of my own 26" rectangle of humiliation and dipped my ambitious toe into just about any piece of water with a www. in front of it.

Now one thing I pride myself on is honesty, this is a no nonsense serious look at this newish and very serious phenomenon which is creating a world wide tsunami of exposure, it's even been suggested making it part of the UK schools curriculum. On an already technologically saturated planet it seems to me this particular 'Social activity' has attracted a new breed of keyboard tapper, the celebrity.

I must point out straight away and maybe even with the feeling of a little shallowness, that the first thing that attracted me to Twitter (or kidnapped me away from other 'Similar' sites) was that I could actually get to speak to someone that I grew up admiring, stars I had on my wall, comedy idols I watched on a Saturday night, radio presenters I woke up with every morning, soap stars that took over my TV schedule 5 nights a week, true legends of the stage and screen from both sides of the Atlantic were now closer than ever.

There is a great saying 'Be careful what you wish for'. Do you really want to know the real person behind your favourite characters, they might turn out to be just as boring and lead more mundane lives in some cases than your own. On the whole I have been very disappointed by a large number of celebrities on here, but some, which I will get to later, that I have genuinely warmed to.

What is it with some that drives people to want the most followers? Chris Moyles is one example of wanting or needing his ego fed, he has 466,463 followers, he is following 40 of which the majority are associates from radio, and others from the entertainment world. He is not following 'anyone' he doesn't already know and the only time he tweets is to say something about what he is doing on the radio, then on his show he talks about twitter saying how he hasn't got time to follow people or talk to them when they do talk to him because there is 'Just too much information'.

Now I have used him as an example for no other reason than he is the perfect candidate to highlight a trend that is disappointing many other twitterers out there. He clearly doesn't 'Get it'. P Diddy you don't get it, all he ever goes on about is needing to feel the energy! we need our energy for ourselves we don't have any spare we are out making a living just to scrape by, get rid of some of the bling that will make it easier for you to walk and preserve some energy, no we are not 'With you'. MC Hammer you too, yes we know you are in the studio moving those heavy sliders up and down on the mixing desk, if you answered one of my tweets you would see that I have been offering to come and relieve you of such hard labour on more than 10 occasions. Yes yes I know I could simply click unfollow but i worry if I do i might miss that little nugget of wisdom.

There is another breed of tweeter, celebrity or not that uses Twitter purely as an advertising vehicle, they want to show us what they have to offer, maybe a service to help you write, maybe they have a book they want you to read, a charity event they want you to sponsor, or a show they are starring in, these are less intrusive than the celeb that just wants to talk about himself and what we already know.

Now we come to the 'Nearly Man' another celeb tweeter category in between.
Jimmy Carr epitomises this, he nearly gets it, he is entertaining, I think we all wait to see his next twitpic accompanied by a unique observation that has the signature of Jimmy Carr's’ incredible mind written all over it. He entertains us but we don't get to talk to him, but he does almost get it.

Adam Woodyatt, Stephen Fry, Matt Lucas, Jane Goldman (Mrs Wossy) Yes she is a person in her own right, I’m not implying she isn’t by calling her Mrs Wossy, so much so that she has recently been very absent from Twitter but can prove she has been working extremely hard with the release of ‘Kick Ass’ which she wrote the screenplay for. Russell Grant, Sally Thomsett (Not so much recently) Bill Bailey, they all 'Get it', they are interested in other people, they answer questions, they send pics of what they are doing, they involve us in their lives, they set us little tasks to perform, Phil Jupitus is the twitter master at getting your brain working, as is Matt Lucas, Phil often starts little word games and Matt will often get you composing a poem. These are all celebrities with thousands of followers and they find the time to give us some nice tweetment from time to time, I salute and thank you.

I'm not suggesting every celeb should involve us in their private lives, but I do think that those that sign up to Twitter and then only want to tell us what we already know about them is not interesting, we know your show is on tonight, if we watch or listen to you it's because we like you, that's why we are trying to connect with you, we don't want to read the TV times on Twitter, we want to get to know the person behind the performers we adore.

I can remember my first few weeks on twitter were spent trying to follow Stephen The Twitter God Fry, (who incidentally is still not following me) But why is it so important that they follow me? It’s not like he will say “Oh Mark let’s be friends, come and have coffee with me, meet me after tonight's Qi recording and we can catch up”. So what is it then, I think it is something rather sad and something I do not suffer alone. I have seen many occasions when people have their day made so worthwhile and they are incomplete awe of getting their tweet replied to by a famous tweeter. I have done it myself. OK later I have thought how insignificant this particular moment in my life was not so important in the grand scheme of things but it gave me that little boost i needed to my ego at the time.

I have even found myself getting upset when I haven’t had a reply to something I thought deserved a remark, surely that will make someone laugh or get some kind of reaction. I would stare at the screen for half an hour, check my replies, perhaps it’s froze, log out, even restart the lap top, surely now it will show up! Then I realised, my tweet wasn’t important to anyone apart from me and my search for my ego to be rubbed. I thought this was my opportunity to get closer to the people I had admired and in some cases written letters to in the past in the hope of getting a break into the entertainment world. It's that feeling you get every time you see those words 'What are you doing' knowing the next 140 characters you type in that box could change your life forever, and that is no exaggeration, it could.

Twitter came along like a vehicle which got you up close and almost personal with your childhood hero, no longer did you have to stalk them around the streets or wait outside their place of work to give them your script idea, you can do it legally online without having to leave your chair, while watching them on TV or listening to them on radio, only its not stalking, it's 'Following' which is perfectly legal. I wonder if there is anyone using Twitter that isn't on it for one or both of these reasons;To hopefully chat to a celebrity or promote their business.

OK OK maybe you live in hope of being one of the lucky ones that for reasons still a mystery to me receive a free laptop.I wonder how many people (I'm one) spend hours on there in the let's face it better than average hope that they get to speak to Sir Stephen of Twitteringshire, or 'Wossy' yes Jonathan Ross found the site that was to be called Tritter but then the creators thought lets not be cwawl to wossy, lets give him the chance to pwonounce one thing that to him sounds like there's an R in it cowwectly, come on he is a broadcasting God, if ever they were to hold an event inside the pearly gates Jonathan Ross would be the one stood at the golden lectern facing the crowd, yes even he can warm up an already dead crowd and of course his wife who i mentioned earlier @ferretprincess when not writing books or screenplays can also be spotted twittering, making up one of the nicer celebrity couples to have caught the ‘Twitter Bug’. America has it's own twitter royalty couple in Aston Kutcher @Aplusk and Demi Moore @MrsKutcher who have over 7.2 million followers collectively. Ellen DeGeneres is another from acrosss the pond with in excess of 4 million devotees hanging on her every word.

Other famous Twitterers you can find being followed by the twitteratzi include President Obama, BoJo the mayor of London, Britney Spears, radio mountaineer star Fearne Cotton, Terry Wogan can be found telling you about his new ipod, Sally Thomsett bless her from 'Man about the house' still tweets occasionally,Adam Woodyatt, (Ian Beale) Russell with his quaint and amazing 'Brand' of humour and even Jordan and Peter Andre can be followed, though not often at the same time anymore, although when they were together they lived most of their life in the glare of twitter amongst other TV channels and magazines.

I think twitters Mr nice guy is Jason Manford, a comedian from Manchester who is probably the biggest celebrity user of the social network site and i do actually feel sorry for him more than any other Twitter user famous or not, he has to cope with a tremendous amount of tweets fired at him from every angle but his bullet proof image copes with the majority of unamusing amunition with his quick fire cheeky chappy charm and wit. I have tried to put myself in his position and think what it must feel like to get bombarded with wave after wave of what is generally tweets such as "I saw the show and thought it was brilliant", or "I thought the shirt you wore on stage was horrible", what can he say to either? That's when I feel sorry for the celebrity, but again you have to weigh it up, does he set himself up for critisism because of his want for publicity, I guess it's something that will be argued forever more.

Phillip Schofield is another favourite among the twitterers and is one of the more active celebrity tweeters, he has over 329,000 followers and give him credit he actually follows over 3,200 back, good on you phillip, if you watch carefully he is quite the twitter addict and he will often tweet just moments before he goes live on TV and during commercial breaks, sometimes even between features. Tim Lovejoy from Something for the weekend, he tweets on various subjects and is quite a witty guy. Stan Collymore is or should i say was a new addition to celebtwittyville but lasted about as long as one of his relationships due to the fact that, well, he kept getting stick about previous relationships but it was more to do with the fact that he was getting abuse for not replying to anyone. And that IS very annoying, the worst kind of tweeter is one who just tweets like they are not actually talking to anyone, all he ever went on about was going on Talksport radio and you can call him on such and such a number, he really didn’t ‘Get’ Twitter
.
A Few fakes sneak through the Twitter detector and those few fakers that do are usually quickly caught and sent back to the streets to do their stalking. I have seen fads come and go, chat rooms which started out as nothing more than somewhere to chat about things you couldn't chat to your parents about, or a place where you could practice your chatting up a member of the opposite sex, well any sex actually, you could never be sure what you were getting, there were rooms for everything you could ever want, unfortunately they always turned into everything you didn’t want. I am now a twitter insomniac, with more than a cup of coffee keeping me awake, ah well I have someone to tell what I am drinking, and if I become as sad as some people on there I can twitprick it to show i am actually drinking a cup of coffee, well come on, who would believe you if you didn’t prove it with photographic evidence.

All sad and done Twitter is nothing more than a bit of fun, is it? Well I have met some people on there who have become good friends, one special one who has just helped me through a mid twitter crisis, @marksporter has known hardship more than i hope i ever have to face, a survivor of cancer he campaigns for the health of others, something that has become a part of my life now, we will climb a mountain together in the summer in aid of mens testicular cancer, so if that's all that comes out of my twitter experience, all the 'Pain and anguish' I suffered because of the lack of replies and appreciation I never received will all of been worthwhile because of that one friendship. There is fun to be had and friendships to be made, just don't be surprised or disappointed when it doesn't come from a celebrity

Aid for Haiti in Coventry

2010-03-01T11:17:00.001-08:00

The Ricoh arena in Coventry was transformed into a miniature AlbertEmmerdalehollyoakscorriestreetsquare as Adam Woodyatt organised a fantastic fun day of fundraising for the victims of last month’s earthquake in Haiti.

The event got under way with the Heart FM breakfast show presenter Ed James who was the host of the event, well at least until he had to head to Wembley to watch his beloved Aston Villa. First on stage was Adam Woodyatt welcoming the 1000 plus audience to the Jaguar suite, complete with a Shaguar from the film Austin Powers and also a funfair with lots of those spinny roundy things that we all loved as kids.

Adam, Ian Beale, was reunited with his onscreen ex wife Cindy (Michelle Collins) and current kids Peter and Lucy played by teen heart throb Tom Law and the lovely Melissa Suffield. I was even lucky enough to meet his real life family wife Beverley and their two children . Adam’s co-organiser of the event Pellier noir chief Paul Rogers, not the former lead singer of Bad company, but a guy who was very good company and knows everything worth knowing about event photography. http://www.pelliernoir.com/

Adam Woodyatt, is a very keen photographer himself, which is presumably how their friendship began and photos were a massive part of the day, I mean, who wouldn’t want their picture taken with someone you have spent a major part of your life sharing sometimes up to 5 nights a week with, especially when that picture includes the adorable sexy Samantha Janus, I mean Womack, God it’s hard to have to write that fact that she is no longer available. Husband Mark did keep a low profile even when bidding all the way up to £600 on a Fernando Torres signed shirt. A John Terry ‘Away’ shirt fetched an incredible £120. I have some advice for the new owner, permanent marker is removable with vanish.

More about the auction a little later which included some great ‘Chances to own’ items including an amazing portrait of June Brown by Paul Oz and who wouldn't want to have Ian Beale, Tanya Branning and Loretta (Hollyoaks) as your waiters for an evening of fine wining and dining.

There were a large number of kids there, either to see the handful of Hollyoaks stars who were not too hung over to attend, dragged along by their Mum’s who were hoping for an up close and personal glimpse with their on screen hunk, one who seemed very popular with the Housewives was Marc Elliot, the handsome (And hung over) Syed Masood and very popular with the young ladies were Peter Beale, Bianca’s hen night stripper Sam Attwater and Billy Jackson. There were some I missed I'm sure, I have just found out on twitter that I failed to spot, Don Gilet, Lucas from the square, Debbie Rush from Corrie who plays Anna Windass was another one that slipped my gaze, how did that happen? And Michelle Keegan (Tina) also from the Street, I wonder how many more I missed? (Who are the love birds spotted together holding on tight in the pic above?

Mellisa Suffield, Simon Attwater and Tom Law did a nice little question and answer session on stage and Lucy was asked a question from the audience which guy she thought was better looking, playing the crowd like a pro 'Lucy' said "I can't really say, I would have to see them both with their clothes off". You're a little star Melissa with a big future.

First ‘Singer’ on stage was John Altman, yes I do mean Nasty Nick Cotton. Adam explained how after 25 years of knowing John he never realised he could sing, I must be honest and say after hearing him attempt the very aptly titled song ‘Bad to the bone’ I am still not convinced, I would have to hear him sing another song, I'm turning into Simon Cowell. But this wasn’t Xfactor, well sometimes it was as we were serenaded by some acts that featured on the talent show and it was great to see the Evans family there, remember them from Britain’s got talent, the one’s that Simon said “Mum and Dad you need to let Elliot sing on his own, he is a superstar, you cannot sing”. I had a chat with Mum and Dad as they stood proudly watching their son singing a few Michael Jackson songs. I asked them how they are all doing and Mum said he is getting plenty of work and both her and her husband are now singing teachers.

There were continuous queues for fans wanting their professional picture taken with their favourite soap star signed and framed for a very reasonable £10 with the whole amount going to help Haiti. It was very moving as a guy talked us through his experiences in Haiti having just returned from the earthquake zone. I was reminded how lucky I am living in a country where going to the doctors to get some pills for something life threatening like a mild cold is something we don’t even think about, yet in Haiti medicines that could save lives just are not available, people with limbs torn off, the threat of typhoid and diarrhoea which follows every disaster of this type. The money raised from each photo will give a month’s supply of much needed treatment to each of the injured Haitians.

It was a bizarre feeling being amongst all these stars, I felt both elated and very sad and even guilty at times, even times when I was looking at my own life, wishing I could have been a famous actor, everyone wanting my autograph and picture. It then hit me what these celebrities were actually doing, giving up their Sunday which is probably the last thing they need, what with increased episodes these days because of an ever increasing demand by us the viewers. We want want want and they must give give give, but it’s that giving which made February 28th so special, we were all there for the same reason. We were all equal, separated only by a small metal barrier and a tenner.

There were many other acts that gave their time for free, dancers, bands which included local group King Hermit, watch out for them, very very good sound, musicians, the Ricoh centre staff including security, who had a tough job holding back the women from Syed and me from Ronnie Mitchell, good job Phil never turned up he would of duf duf duffed me up. I wasn’t stalking her, I took 149 photos and only 147 of those were of Samantha. As I queued waiting to meet my second favourite Eastender (I will tell you my number 1 and why soon, as this one has a paragraph and personality all to herself) As I stood in the line I was rehearsing what I was going to say, should I say I think you are so beautiful? Nah she has been told that by everyone her whole life, all of a sudden there I was standing next to a woman I had fancied since I first saw her singing ‘A message to your heart’ in The Eurovision song contest in 1991.

Should I call her Ronnie or Samantha, or maybe Mandy from her Game on days? Yes, no one else would of said that and it would sound as if I was a true fan and this wasn’t just some recent crush since she joined the square in May 2007, but now having ogled her, I decided to Google her and found out I had missed her performances in Minder, The Bill, Sandy in Grease, her starring role alongside the late Patrick Swayzee in ‘Guys and Dolls’ and even as one of the many girlfriends of a certain Wicksy back in the earlier days of Dirty Den and Wilmott-Brown. Let’s hope she stays around the Queen Vic for a few years to come, she could be the next Peggy Mitchell? Something else I just learned about Samantha, Calum Best is her cousin, beauty runs deep through their family.

If Samantha was my choice for sexiest Eastender in Ricoh Square, (Marc Elliot if you are female, sorry Adam) without doubt my favourite entertainer there was Cheryl Fergison, (Heather Trott) what a terrific personality, amiable, approachable, time for everyone, nothing was too much of an effort for her, she trotted around the venue signing autographs nonstop, apart from when she would disappear briefly telling everyone “I got to go pee, I’ll be back in a minute”. She was I think, one of the most popular in demand for photos and all in all great fun, particularly in the auction which I promise I will get to eventually.

I want to make it very clear at this point; ALL of the stars who attended the fundraiser were brilliant with their donation of time and effort. They travelled from all over the country to be there to give their support, John Altman for one drove up from Plymouth, but Michelle Collins wins first prize for the longest trip award after flying in from LA, making this a truly globally supported event. Other soap celebs in attendance from Eastenders included Tracy, who apparently has spoken 5 words since she joined the cast (Lucky girl), Himesh Patel, AKA Tamwar Masood, Coronation St was represented by bad boy John Stape played by Graeme Hawley, Emmerdale sent their female equivalent along in the guise of Sally Spode, (Sian Reeves).

Melissa Walton (Loretta Jones) the actress from Hollyoaks looked good as she signed autographs and posed for pictures, as did up and coming talents Gerard McCarthy who belted out a bit of George Michael, bronagh waugh and Stephen Uppal, so there was something for everyone of all ages, even an extremely tall juggler that seemed to lose height as the day went on but his talents never shrunk as he abrocadabra’d himself into a magician, now that’s magic. Also wandering around throughout the day with even fewer lines than Tracy on his CV was the Stig from Top Gear. I say let’s get Tracy on Top Gear to do the star in the reasonably priced car, if only for the conversation during the lessons.

I take my helmet off to Adam Woodyatt and Paul Rogers organisational skills which culminated in an auction to own things from Pat Butchers ear rings to the actual script for the live episode of ‘Who killed Archie Mitchell’, including the 10 alternative endings, if you want to know ‘Who didn’t kill Archie’ but so nearly did, the person to ask is Twitterer @Firequacker, who paid a very generous figure of £1,000 for that particular piece of television history. Firequacker (Monique) is also helping to raise money for the Child cancer awareness campaign. Visit http://www.bechildcanceraware.org/

Other items to go under Adams hammer was a Derby County football signed by all the players, what surprised me about that is they never usually hang onto a ball long enough for one signature let alone 11. Next up for grabs was dinner for 2 in a restaurant where you will be waited on by Adam, Melissa from Hollyoaks and your dessert is delivered by Jo Joyner (Tanya Branning) mmmmmm, naughty but nice, (Sorry Samantha). Adam actually bid for this himself to try and get out of it but unfortunately for Adam, wife Bev stopped him going any higher and someone paid £600 for the privilege of seeing him doing an impression of Manuel.

I got involved in the arm raising fundraising as I found myself bidding for the chance to appear on the Heart FM Breakfast show with Ed and Rachel, there was no way I could let opportunity go being a former morning show host myself. There were various other signed football shirts by Kenny Dalglish that fetched around the £175 mark, Aberdeen, Everton and Stephen Gerrard shirts also helping to raise the total. An Albert square sign fetched £250, but the highest bid of the day was £5,000 for the painting by Paul Oz of Eastenders favourite Dot Cotton and signed by June Brown herself.

All together the event raised over £30,000. My thanks go to every single person in the Ricoh Arena on Sunday, from the stars to the cleaners, not forgetting all the members of the public that turned out on a dreary West Midlands day, but brightened up by our favourite shining soap stars. Thank you.

I apologise to anyone that I forgot to mention, and for any mistakes this article may contain regarding any of the stars.

More pictures can be viewed at http://www.pelliernoir.com/ where you can also purchase your favourite shots.

American Idle

2010-02-26T11:01:00.000-08:00

I really struggled to sit through 3 hours of what can be described as abysmal and that is being complimentary. All the drama has disappeared, now it's a mere karaoke competition. I watched as far as Tyler Grady and could not take anymore.

No one amongst the females really excited me as far as their singing went, I think this years contest is more likely to find America's next model. If we are really lucky we might find a cocktail bar singer or someone to entertain at weddings.

All of the final 24 either sang the wrong song, had ridiculous chops, ridiculous by the way means sick, which in turn means amazing, unless those words come from Simon Cowells mouth, in which case they mean sick and ridiculous. Big pipes means big voice in Randy language. Anyone who didn't come under any of those categories were plain boring with no stage presence.

I think the Idol concept has run it's course, let's concentrate on the proper talent shows now like America and Britain's got Talent and send American Idol to where it belongs, in the archives of TV history.

For those of you interested, Janell Wheeler and Ashley Rodriguez were the first 2 girls sent home out of the 12 and the boys following them home are Tyler Grady and Joe Munoz.

Wayne has burned all our bridges

2010-02-25T13:02:00.000-08:00

I cannot understand Wayne Bridges decision to withdraw from the England team. He issued a statement saying "My position in the England team is untenable and potentially divisive". How untrue is that, he is a footballer, he doesn't even know words like that, let alone what they mean. I smell a rat, or Max Clifford as he is more commonly known.

The behaviour of footballers recently has shown no respect for their teams, the owners of football clubs that pay them these ridiculous amounts of money, their wives, team mates, fans, or country.

The word 'Team' is now a term associated with the person the public supports, usually because they appear to have been ill treated by their partner. Team Andre or Price, the Manchester City players wore shirts with 'Team Bridge' on them! And, Ashley Cole who seems more interested in scoring wearing a really bad pair of pants than an England shirt. Steven Gerrard throwing a strop because the DJ wasn't playing the song he wanted, well not everyone wants to listen to Ferry cross the bleedin Mersey, or you'll never walk alone 24/7.

Is this professional football they are involved in, or a script from a poor soap opera which was itself supposed to be a dramatised fantasy of the premier league but is now actually more like a factual documentary. The story lines from 'Dream team' and 'Footballers wives' are not so far fetched anymore and scenes are being reenacted for real, in real clubs, by real players!.

Who is to blame? The managers of clubs have to take some responsibility, they encourage, sometimes demand that their top players are settled with a wife and preferably a child. It makes for a more focused player apparently, they wont want to go out clubbing and pulling birds. I am not condoning a married guy being unfaithful at all, I am condemning some managers for making this so called 'Settled' lifestyle a prerequisite for success in his side.

These young men, mid to late twenties are fit, good looking, good physique, famous and very very rich. That is a cocktail to excite the taste buds of a large number of young women, with more than sex on their mind, their own fame and more often than not a nice bung from a national newspaper for telling after the kissing is over.

That is a story on it's own.

The only true fact usually associated with newspapers is the one that scandal sells. A photo of Ashley Cole with someone other than his wife is far more attractive to an editor than one with her.

This week Fabio Capella went out to inspect the facilities for the England team out in South Africa, he was very happy with them, what did journalists report? The opposite of course. The Sun which is Britain's most popular tabloid has an average daily readership of 7,900,000 and was first published on September 15th 1964, two years after England won their first and only world cup. I have no doubts that if they had of been selling newspapers just 30 months earlier our chances of winning that championship would have been destroyed.

Having said all that, there really is only one party to blame, Labour. Seriously though, sports people, TV celebrities and basically anyone who puts themselves in the line of the paparazzi lens have got to stop and seriously think about the effect their actions have on not just those closest to them, but a nation as a whole. I am sure I'm not alone in thinking we had a great chance of a good run in South Africa this year, we have since lost captain marvel, the replacement captain Rio Ferdinand isn't likely to be fit for any decent length of time, maybe drugs can pull him through his injuries, just don't give any urine samples Rio. Ashley Cole is out with a broken foot and even if he recovers from that his heart will be broken and we still don't know if he will be allowed out from sex addiction rehab by England's first game against the USA. Today Wayne Bridge pulled out because he feels he can't play alongside the guy that had sex with the Mother of his child. Seems to me he has chosen the wrong time to exercise pulling out.

Whoever is right or wrong doesn't come into it, as far as I'm concerned we the public have been cheated on. We are now looking for a new, youngish, fit, strong guy that can 'Play back and think of England'.

Britain is in a state, of Nanny

2010-02-22T10:40:00.000-08:00

My times at school were the happiest of my life. Bullying hadn't been invented then, or if you did become a victim of a bit of playground banter which sometimes led to fisticuffs, either yourself or a mate sorted it out. A little crowd would gather at the next break bell and both parties would come out fighting. Following some dancing and a bit of rolling about on the tarmac a teacher would come out and bang their heads together and drag them off to the headmaster who would be waiting, cane in hand, to give you 3 lashes, making it difficult to sit through the rest of the days lessons, having already had the first of the day, one I never forgot and rarely, if ever, re offended.

At the time I couldn't wait to leave, it's annoying that your parents are always right. "These are the best days of your life, you will look back one day and realise that, oh and I hear you got the cane at school today for fighting". I would then argue it wasn't my fault until i was either blue in the face or my Dad got home, who had also heard somehow that I had been in front of the headmaster and would then give me a slap in the same place and sitting watching Grange Hill was as painful as my own school day had been.

I was never academic, but I loved my time there, you saw your friends every day, there was always a girl you had a crush on and each new day was a first kiss opportunity, well a dream at least. I always seemed to fall for the brainy ones, never got a kiss but it meant I could be out chasing others while they sat at home doing my homework. If you didn't get it done you could take the teacher a couple of apples and a banana and come up with some feeble excuse, a little look of hidden disbelief from Mrs Seal and I was OK 'til next week.

If I were to try and pull that trick at school now, 1. It would be, Mark I didn't get your email, although I did notice you were at your computer because I saw you on cam, or 2. I can't accept gifts Mark, it's an attempt to either bribe me, or you are sexually harassing me with your fruity innuendo.

It seems you never totally leave your schooldays behind, bullying becomes an issue however well you did in your exams. I failed my 11 plus so never got to go to the proper school where you could get a better education and go onto university and get to wear one of those funny hats, like the one your headmaster used to put on before caning you, or if you were really bad, the one like the judge used to wear sending you to hang out somewhere else for the rest of your life. I always wanted to go to one of those graduation days where you get to throw your hat in the air and as if by magic they never come down again, in the movies anyway. But it seems those health and safety creatures discovered they do come down, and, when they do they could kill you, did they never do physics?.

I was always the class fool, more interested in entertaining and making people laugh by copying the voices and mannerisms of the teachers, if I couldn't learn the least I could do was to try and make sure no one else did. Later in life that training would help me to travel Europe impersonating rock and pop stars, Rod Stewart, Tina Turner, Madonna, even Tom Jones, Ladies would throw their knickers at me, oh the things they would do to make me cover myself up. Today that would be banned, oh health and safety risk! Oh you mean I might catch some disease? No! I might trip and break my leg as Victoria's secret is revealed before my very eyes.

Maybe if I had worked harder at school I could have been a politician, never has there been a better time to be serving under Gordon Brown. I can take bullying, I don't need to call a help line to be betrayed by some aptly named do gooder called Pratt, pouring my heart out in confidence to a supposed stranger who I can trust with all my most intimate thoughts. "My boss is being horrible to me, he's shouting and everything".

I would wait for Prime Ministers question 'Play' time and bully Gordon Brown right back for everyone to see, with the exception of David Blunkett of course, who as Home Secretary is blind to most of the crime being committed in our country today. I would take all my pent up anger on his incapability to handle the countries affairs because of his lack of knowledge, the exact same reasons that I never made PM and I would bully him right back, until we were both dragged off to the headmistresses Palace to have our arses caned, in a sort of naughty Knighting ceremony.

Who can we trust? 4 people have already resigned from the National Bully line today because they can't keep their mouths shut and their ears open, our footballers spend more time scoring in the wrong goal than ever before or getting not only the choice of underwear seriously wrong but the mobile number also. How poignant it would be if Mr Cole met his demise by Cheryl sending a picture text of herself in her finest underwear to the correct number, accompanied, with the tag line, 'Ashley, this is what you will never have again, see ya pet'.

One last thing, today is Radio 1 breakfast DJ Chris Moyles birthday, happy Birthday Chris, I hope you didn't have any candles on your cake, it's health and safety mate, sorry.

Manchenders, real 'Live' drama

2010-02-21T05:47:00.000-08:00

It was ambitious, over 40 cameras, 60 crew and a line up of actors who had never attempted anything like this before. No second take, no can we do that bit again, this was it, live and die by what happens in the 30 minutes of Eastenders ‘Who killed Archie Mitchell’.

That’s not live, days of rehearsals, script meetings, dummy runs, script tweaks and yet more rehearsals. Actors paid thousands of pounds to deliver a few lines?

If its real live drama you want, look no further than the aftermath of a celebrity charity dance show and Twitter. Jason Manford finished his judging duties on Let’s Dance and if I may say so even brought a little drama to it showing he isn’t just a comic genius and voice over expert. The whole country wanted Katy to go through, but quick thinking by the cheeky chappy from Manchester quickly came up with a reason to vote for Casualty and Holby, citing his wife, Mum and Grandmothers love of the shows. Inevitably Katy Brand, who actually bore a striking resemblance to a cross between Katie Price and Joe Brand, joined the brilliant Rufus Hound in the final thanks to that girl from Girls allowed to sing (Unfortunately) Kimberley Walsh having the casting vote.

If that wasn’t enough drama for you, the real stuff was yet to come, yet more from Mr Manford and another popular twitterer Emma Kennedy, a novelist probably best known for ‘The tent, the bucket and me’. They met each other for the first time back stage at the ‘Let’s dance’ show, I will let these 2 take the story up from here, in what I like to call

‘Manchenders’

An exuberant Emma back from Let's Dance shows her excitement and delight at Katy Brand Joining Rufus in the final,” WAHHOOOO for @katyfbrand and I FINALLY got to meet Jason Manford and what a lovely man he is. Kisses all round, you were bloody lovely! X”

“So were YOU xxx” proclaims Jason. “It's been suggested on twitter we ‘Get a room’, can you meet me at Watford Gap Services, I think there's a conference room at the Days Inn”.
Emma is also amused by the amount of people telling her the same so she books into the Dorchester and waits with excitement.
Jason realises “That's us two, different sides of the street, I'm rough n ready at the Days Inn, you're elegantly dressed at the Dorchester”

Emma laughs,” How funny is that. I pick the Dorchester. You pick the Watford Gap. Oh Jason. Having said that, I'm on my way”, she reaches into her bag for some breath freshener and gives a couple of squirts in anticipation. Jason waits in his Days Inn conference room with 2 portions of chips, reading 'The Tent, the Bucket & me' to be used as an ice breaker.
Emma clutching at straws for some commonality between them conjures up “But we both like chips Jason. No one can ever take THAT away from us, I am in a taxi on my way to you now”.

Jason's expectations of a great night ahead are dashed as he sees her tweets to others online about watching the curling live on BBC2, he checks the timeline and asks himself how is she watching the Olympics in a taxi? Realisation hits him and he eats both portions of chips and checks out.

Emma reassures Jason that “It's a futuristic taxi, like the one in Fifth Element, or Total Recall”.
and she urges the taxi driver to “HURRY UP”

Jason gets in the car & puts Eric Carmen's 1975 classic 'All By Myself' on full blast & sings through the tears, his driver is not happy. He turns the music down just in time for Jason to hear his name being screamed over 4 junctions away, he gets out of the car & starts to run, run like the wind. Just then Emma arrives at the ‘Days Inn reception. “What do you mean Mr Manford has checked out?" she turns and looks as sad as ET on his back in the river.

Jason runs past Burger King shouting EMMA, he rips his shirt off and runs bare chested in the rain, but then turns and goes back to find his shirt as it's -2 degrees. Emma chases after him on a bicycle she stole whilst shouting "JAAAASON! JAAAAAAAAAASON!"

Jason with freezing fingers manages to put his wet shirt back on and runs, 2 portions of chips laying heavy in his stomach, he doesn't see the lorry. Emma hears the screeching of tyres, throws her bike to the floor and runs like her life depended on it, she sees Jason running shirtless, in the rain, turns to all the girls on Twitter and winks ;) (No time for a twitpic then)?

Emma gasps and in her eagerness to reach her dying date twists her ankle, falls to the floor and screams as Jason lays there after being struck by the lorry, she crawls to his broken body, shakes his lifeless form, his iphone falls out, plays Angry Bird as Jason clings to his last breath (which smells of Cauliflower) "It....was....nice....to....tweet you Emma...." he mumbles and fades away into the night air. Soft! Jason shifts slightly, Emma puts down the iPhone even if the Angry Bird score is the highest she'd ever got and says, "Jason?"

Jason floats up to heaven and sees all the people he's ever loved, but they seem angry and are all asking the same question, "Why did you vote for Casualty?" they ask in unison. For added drama Jason manages to squeeze out a final 'One liner’ being the comedian he is, he directs and cuts to the End scene. This was a Twitter Production. "Sit Ubu Sit" "I made this"

A distraught Emma blinks, raises a fist to the heavens and yells* "By Grabthar's Hammer, you SHALL be avenged”

Jason even manages an encore as he reminds us all “Don't forget to tune into Twitter+1 if you missed the start of "Romeo & Twuliet" and Emma puts his mind at rest and tells him, “No worries, I've Twy-plussed it”

Fin

The Final countdown

2010-02-18T13:24:00.000-08:00

The Kodak theatre has hosted the worlds biggest names, Christina Aguilera, Céline Dion, Mariah Carey, Beyoncé Knowles, Prince and Vanilla Ice, OK forget I mentioned Vanilla Ice. Next week 3,401 people pack the venue to witness the birth of a new star for the future.

I learned a couple of things about Kara DioGuardi today, she made sense of the fact that it's not the end of the world or their dreams for those who don't make it through to the final and it actually isn't such a big deal. I think it's only perceived that way because most talent shows on TV are now seen as the easy, fast track way to fame and fortune. Angela Martin heard the dreaded no for the 3rd time on American Idol, her first attempt was overshadowed by the death of her father, the 2nd time she had the chance of going through she was in jail for 6 days and 3rd time was unlucky also, but Kara made it all sound so clear and simple, it was like a Eureka moment! Yes Kara, you are right, "This is only one way to get there". I truly believe Angela will make it one day, just not the Idol route. One of the greatest sayings you will hear from many successful people is this, "It took me many years to be an over night success". Sometimes the hard way is the best way in the long term. Ellen summed the Idol format succinctly describing it as a "Crash course".

The second thing I learned about Kara today was her marital status, wow, newly married in July 2009! From the way she acts when Casey James is around I can't see it lasting very long. Did you see it? She did the leg raised lady thing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aGoqL9J_Cw

If anyone needed a bit of Kara's calming it was Jessica Furney, she ranted, she screamed, this girl was not gonna go quietly, "You have no idea what I can do, I can do this, I have it", well guess what Jessica, you don't. If you want to see begging at it's lowest, take a look http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlVnXg6v_bE&feature=related

Alex lambert, Michael Lynche, Todric hall and Thaddeus Johnson all did excellent versions of the Jason moraz tune 'I'm yours' and although Thaddeus never made the final cut he did get to go back home with his Mummy, did anyone notice her striking resemblance to Oprah? OK just me then.

I don't often derive pleasure from others failures, however, sometimes I do enjoy a little poetic justice. Mary Powers was so confident she was going through, she really believed she was better than anyone else there. During the group round she destroyed others confidence and sent others off on the wrong road to stardom with her bad advice. She knew the best way to do everything, so I wont bother giving her directions back to Burbank then.

Ellen is going from strength to strength, I adore her eyes, they mesmerize and I think she brings a lot to the usually same old same old routine of the yes no parts. She does mix it up a bit and I really can't tell what she is going to say, come to think of it, sometimes I still don't know after she's said it. Who do you think could do Simon's job when he leaves at the end of this series? One name being banded about is Howard Stern, is he our man? Maybe you have some suggestions, I liked seeing Victoria Beckham on there, seems very honest and very down to earth and in touch with what these singers are going through. Just one example of Ellens little mind games http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPQzOcXxbuY

From the guys that went through I think Andrew Garcia, Todrick Hall and Aaron Kelly have a genuine chance of being there towards the end, my favourite girl has to be ex wine salesperson Janell Wheeler, she has the look and the voice, pure pop star potential, very cute also. Crystal Bowersox is a strange one, I think she could make it on her own without Idol, I think it was Simon that said she doesn't belong here and I can see what he means, she is more of a hippy type, travelling around folk festivals with her baby strapped to her back, strumming her guitar and blowing into her mouth organ, stopping only to breast feed the baby.

Others that never made it through included the brilliant Shelby Dressel, Simon told her he didn't agree with the decision to send her home and I thought he was right, she was a very interesting person that I had huge hopes for, she also had an amazing mouth which sang beautifully, looked sexy and spoke some very wise words, "It wasn't my time, this is just the beginning", this is Hollywood and in the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger, she will be back. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qRY00C8uZo

Others to look out for when the 12 girls take the stage next week are Michelle Delamor and Lily Scott, the girl with the silver hair, silver tongue and determination I haven't seen in any other finalist.

The real business gets underway on Tuesday 23 February in front of that capacity live audience with the 12 girls, then Wednesday is the turn of the guys.

Here is a full list of all the finalists, Ladies first; Crystal Bowersox, Lacey Brown, Michelle Delamor, Katelyn Epperly, Siobhan Magnus, Paige Miles, Ashley Rodriguez, Lilly Scott, Katie Stevens, Haeley Vaughn and Janell Wheeler.

And the guys, Lee Dewyze, Andrew Garcia, Tyler Grady, Todrick Hall, Casey James, Aaron Kelly, Alex Lambert, Michael Lynche, Joe Muñoz, John Park, Jermaine Sellers and Tim Urban.

Watch the latest American Idol episodes here http://american.idol-2010.com/season-9-shows/american-idol-2010-episode-11-hollywood-week-part-3/

Brits go GaGa

2010-02-16T14:53:00.000-08:00

A recent poll showed Ant and Dec are the nations favourite presenters of the Brit Awards and if you conducted another tomorrow the result would be the same. I am a big Peter Kay fan but he seemed out of place at the Brits, uncomfortable, relying on references to old has been pop stars. Ironically it was one of those 'Old Rockers' that instigated one of Kay's rare moments of magic.

As it was the awards 30Th birthday, there were a few additional statues up for grabs this time round, including best performance at the Brits which was won by the Spice girls, only 2 were there thank God, even better they didn't sing again.

The next vocally challenged band to be honoured for best album in the awards history were Oasis for 'What's the story morning glory'. Again only one of the 4 could make it, Noel probably had better things to do and who were the other 2 anyway. Well Liam thanked those 2, I forget who they are again, Liam however deliberately forgot to mention his Brother Noel, yes, Noel, the guy that wrote all the words and music for his Brother to completely murder as soon as he got a mic in his hand. I think he was confused tonight as he had the award in one hand and a mic in the other decided he didn't want either and threw them both off stage towards the crowd. Cue Peter Kay with the finest description I have ever heard for Gallagher, "Knobhead" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkPDNoO8ZJU

It was left to a real star from across the pond to bring some much needed class to the Earls Court stage in the guise of 'Lacy' GaGa. She started with a tribute to Alexander McQueen, the fashion icon who tragically took his own life last week, I'm sure had he have seen what she was wearing he would of approved. she stole the show with her performance, I didn't necessarily like the numbers she sang as much as the one she wore. She introduced us to a new instrument on stage, it was kind of her own little sound effects collection in the shape of a guitar with a piano attached, there was also a statue accompanying her surrounded by a piano, quite bizarre, extremely GaGa. Her acceptance speeches for Best International breakthrough act, Best International album and Best International female artist were probably the most sincere of the night also. She is winning everything, Kay said "She didn't win Best Male but it was close". He added, "She is to fashion what Michael Jackson's doctor is to prescriptions". She actually reminded me of a female Elton John, she can be as big I believe. http://www.celebrity-mania.com/news/view/00011847.html

Shirley Bassey who won Best British female artist in 1977 presented this years award to Lily Allen. She had decided to wear a bright orange wig so the cameras couldn't find her in the crowd capturing her expected disappointment at not winning AGAIN. A few well chosen Lily Allen lyrics later and almost forgetting her award it was off to 'Have a drink' to celebrate finally winning something.

After picking up Best International Male, Jayzee dueted with Alicia keys and it was absolutely fantastic as they performed their excellent hit Empire state of mind. Best British album winner Florence and the machine dueted without the same effect, but then Dizzy Rascal is no Jayzee is he now. I was dizzy with disbelief when he picked up Best British Male solo artist beating Calvin Harris, Mika, Paulo Nutini and Robbie Williams, any of those deserve the award more. The only other bigger surprise was Joe McEledry's nomination for Best British single, or were they referring to the fact he has no girlfriend/Boyfriend?

Watch the Jayzee and Alicia video here http://www.aceshowbiz.com/news/view/00030753.html

There was lots of talk about whether or not Cheryl Cole would wear gloves so she could hide the fact whether or not she was wearing her wedding ring after revelations of yet more infidelities by her husband Ashley, how embarrassing for her to see pictures of those awful underpants he wears splashed across national newspapers. If you are still with him I know what he needs for Christmas. And Ashley, i have 2 suggestions of gifts for Cheryl, singing, or miming lessons. http://www.aceshowbiz.com/news/view/00030753.html That is not video delay you will see on Cheryls performance, she really is that bad.(Photo) You can almost see her ring.

Faux pas's of the night went to lead singer of Kasabian who fell over in his eagerness to collect Best British band, Jonathan Ross dressed as a teenager and an under par performance from Peter Kay capped off by embarrassingly comparing JLS to a all black male Bucks Fizz.

All in all it was a pretty low key event with few highlights, with the exception of Lady GaGa, Jayzee, Florence and the machine which unfortunately included Dizzy Rascals awful interference. The truly outstanding performance of the evening was by Robbie Williams who fittingly won the 'Outstanding contribution award', taking his total number of Brits to a staggering 15.

He sang hits spanning 20 years which included a Take That song that wasn't witnessed by his former band mates as they chose to boycott the ceremony. This was Robbie's night and he was the real entertainer at the Brits 2010. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dc6mQQbKlUE

The Ellen DeGenius Show, my American Idol

2010-02-11T13:09:00.000-08:00

I was guilty of thinking what the hell does Ellen DeGeneres know about judging a singing competition. Within 30 seconds of the show starting I had my answer from the horses mouth. She said "I may not know much about the singing, but I know exactly what it's like to have to stand on a stage and entertain a room full of people". I'm sure that answered many people who had asked the same question, it was as if she was expecting it, she knows how to prepare also. Talking of judges having good, well, judgement, was it not Simon Cowell that had the casting vote on whether Jedward were kept in Britain's got talent? How I would love to be a qualified judge of judges, I would terminate his right to practice on that decision alone.

I was very impressed with Ellen, she bought a bit of comedy to the show in addition to her accurate criticism. It didn't take long for her to prove her worth as a judge as she gave Scary Skiibo back to the wilderness. "You are like a leopard stalking us, don't scare your audience, there is a fine line between scary and sexy". Skiibo, a word of advice from me also, if you gonna be scary you need to be able to sing like Subo, she can get away with it.

I was a little disappointed about how many different performances we got to see and there was also a bit too many flashbacks to the earlier auditions. I think the 2 shows this week were overall confusing and a little mixed up for my liking. The quality was definitely lower from a lot of the singers than they had shown in their first auditions. I was particularly disappointed by Megan Wright, remember her with the little brother, she chose to play the piano and sing at the same time and did neither very well at all. I think firstly instruments should not be allowed, this is a singing competition, and on the surface would seem like an unfair advantage, but the majority of those that played and sung went out of the competition, justice maybe.

Yes, I cried again tonight! Why am I crying at the slightest things in these reality talent shows recently? Last night Vanessa Wolfe turned my water works on, it must be my age, why is it only my water works getting turned on. She was so cute, that Southern accent, it sounds so, unfair. "I'm gonna get to ride on an aeroplane", I love hearing her say that. Her singing didn't do anything for me, or the judges and she got to ride on another aeroplane back again rather quickly. Listen to her mighty fine accent and the part that brought me to tears. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y_zubEJt8I

I am not a fan of the way they do the yes/no's at this stage. It takes a little of the excitement away when they put 2 obvious qualifiers in the same row, I like the tension created by seeing them told yes or no individually. Ellen did bring a bit of variety to it though by confusing everyone on the planet with her 'Front row step to the left, back row move forward, front row step back routine, I am still not certain who went through. Ellen, I think I am falling for you. Typical, I'm not her type.

Performance of the night went to Andrew Garcia without a doubt, he bravely did a Paula Abdul song which could of gone either way, but Kara was full of praise for the guy who I think will go all the way. The only thing he doesn't have are pop star looks, does he? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dZyx-v-C3k

Another one in with a good chance has to be Casey James, remember him, the guy with the pony tail who Victoria Beckham got to strip? He had a guitar to cover any similar requests this time and was probably the best with an instrument and flew through to group day without a hitch, or losing a stitch.

Waitress Didi Benami had me reaching for the Kleenex for the second time, I must be a sucker for a Southern belle, she got a yes which means I get to See her again, and so can you if you click the link, you'll also see Crystal Bowersox also getting a yes, however, if she goes all the way I get the feeling she might need to think about a different stage name. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7oUgpiC31I&feature=related

Lily Scott is another name to look out for in weeks to come, she nailed an Ella Fitzgerald song to join the other 96 in the groups round next. Those of the 85 who heard the dreaded no included 'Whip girl', 16 year old Maddy Curtis who just "Isn't ready yet", cancer survivor Justin Williams surprisingly for me got a bad negative response, as did beatboxer Jay Stone. I did enjoy his reverberating "peace out".

So to 'Group day'. You know I am not a fan of instruments being allowed, I am even less enthusiastic about the fact you have to put your faith in a bunch of people you have never met. The 'Dreamers' were unlucky enough to get Mary Powers, Powers by name and powerful by nature, bossy, dominating and excruciatingly annoying, even if Frank Sinatra had of been in her band he wouldn't of been able to do a thing his way. What she doesn't know about making it in show business ain't worth knowing, how old is she? Where is she? P-P-Pleeeaaasssseeee. The annoying thing is she made it through and her unfortunate band 'mates' didn't.

I think the makers of the show spent all their budget on the judges, there was nothing left for rehearsal rooms. Maraya managed to find some space when she came up with the idea of using the same closet she used in last seasons idol, it seemed a good idea for the 5 piece band Phoenix, for 4 of them anyway, as one suffered closet fever and 5 became 4 and in the end Maraya and one other left with tears in their eyes. One may have left the competition but Michael Lynche is still in there with a shout and has one extra fan, a new baby daughter that was born while he listened in and gave encouragement to his wife over the phone after her waters broke just before he was due on stage, now that's what you call a big break on TV.

Something 'Destinys wild' would have liked is a bit more privacy as they had to prepare alongside competitors 'Neapolitan' who apparently stole their routine. Both singing Lady GaGa's Bad romance and both groups going through. See the group performances here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_B9ScHXuFk

Another guy with a not so 'Sweet escape' was Matt Lawrence, he did avoide going back to jail but was sent home for murdering Gwen Stefani and Amanda Shectman was sent right back to acting school, maybe learn to memorize your lines better. Here they are in case you are reading this Amanda;

Cause I've been acting like sour milk all on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold

And this is how it should sound http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0lf_fE3HwA

As a spectacle I thought this week's Idol was very confusing, unfair, entertaining at times, although mainly when Ellen was speaking, she was once voted Americas funniest person, a title taken from her by George W Bush unless I'm mistaken.

I am hoping next week to get back to some kind of normality from the remaining 46 and lots more laughs from Ellen De Genius.

Follow Ellen GeGeneres on Twitter @TheEllenShow

Watch both shows in full by visiting http://american.idol-2010.com/category/season-9-shows/

Reality talent, is it Really talent?

2010-02-09T11:44:00.000-08:00

What is talent? Now there's a question. You could argue it's like asking, what is art, who is the best actor, what's the best song ever written, the best band, the prettiest model, or the hunkiest guy. We all have our opinions, there is no definitive answer. One mans Bublé is another teenage girls Jedward. But are we finding all the talent that Britain's got? Are we looking in all the right places and if we find it are those in the music business just in it for the money, does talent and artist integrity fly out the record labels window? Maybe are we just a nation of wannabe celebrities and don't care about talent at all, like louis Walsh?

As a child I remember watching Hughie Green every Monday night helping to launch new careers. Winners would come back week after week until they were beaten by another act. There was no huge cash prize for winning, if you were talented you went on to find fame and fortune and more often than not your own TV show.

photo: Hughie Green (creator of Opportunity knocks)

Yes I know, times have changed, back then if you wanted your favourite to win you had to send in a postcard with your choice, the 'Clapometre' for the studio audience was just a bit of fun, it was your votes that counted folks. Now they count your cash too, admittedly some of which doesn't go in Simon Cowells pocket. Pick up the phone, vote online, or simply press a red button. Does this mean we are getting fairer results because more people can vote? Or does it mean you can just vote as many times as your wallet can afford to get your favourite through regardless of whether they are the most talented?

Simon Cowell is the Modern day Hughie, now I am not going to bang on about how much Simon earns, but I am going to sing from the rooftops my concern about his seemingly vice like grip on the music business. Please do not misunderstand me here, I think talent shows are an excellent form of entertainment, a great way to discover talent and a fantastic stage on which to launch a career. We have seen Leona Lewis emerge from anonymity to world fame and is without doubt a world class singer. Would she have made it without Simon Cowells promotional skills, knowledge and wedge? Probably. It's not talents like Leona I am concerned about, but on the whole, the modern day talent show. As it's definition, it is for talent, recently we have seen incidents and accidents to suggest this concept is sometimes flawed. Talent seems to mean commercial viability before all else, and this has made it extremely hard to compete with big egos and personalities on talent alone.

I even think that 9 times out of 10 the right 'Talent' wins the show. I am more disturbed by the amount of untalented 'Losers' that go on to find fame and actually earn a decent living at being 'Awful'. What message does this send to up and coming youngsters? I know what it says to me and many others like me, talent will not always see you through, a Cowell or a Louis Walsh will look at you and think how they can make money out of the fact they have zero talent. Perhaps it's the British mentality of always loving a loser, erring on the side of the underdog.

I have heard people comment on Jedward saying, 'Oh but they are so sweet, you got to love them, they are trying so hard'. I don't have to love them and I don't care how hard they try, they DO NOT have a talent. Even Milli Vanilli had more sense than Jedward, at least they didn't try to sing. You are twins for Christs sake, you are supposed to know what each other thinks, you are able to feel the pain the other one is feeling, (Trust me, we feel the pain) you can't even sing or dance at the same time. The only time you simultaneously vomit words from your mouths is in an interview, both with separate nonsense with absolutely no relevance to the question you are asked. They really do come from another planet and it's only right we should let them return there. Somebody please tell me how these annoying little leprechauns are taking the place of 'Real talent' in our country.

The Cowell conveyor belt continues to manuf'act'ure and churn out puppets, while the real talents that can perform or write a decent song are struggling to get their voices and words heard.

Where did greats such as Freddie Mercury, Barbra Streisand and Frank Sinatra begin? Streisand learnt her trade singing in night clubs and went on to be the biggest selling female artist spanning 5 decades with a number 1 album in each of those, selling over 140 million copies. A modern day superstar of mine was Freddie Mercury, he had it all, the voice, the stage presence, the theatre, the songs, the show. He wrote, he produced, he played. He grew up in Bombay and Zanzibar and at 17 fled with his family to flee the revolution. That's a background, a story to tell. He attended art college and his love for music introduced him to the sounds of artists such as Aretha Franklin, The Who, Elvis Presley, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, and The Beatles.

Frank Sinatra was singing around bars until his Mum asked a local singing trio 'The Three flashes' to let him join them and they went on to win a competition on the 'Major Bowles amateur hour' a 40's talent show winning first prize with the newly named Hoboken four. There prize was a 6 month contract to star on stage and radio across America.

What do they have in common with stars on our TV's today? Absolutely nothing. They have lived, they have learned their trade, they got knocked down and got up again, (Shame Chumbawamba didn't take no for an answer). They lived a childhood and young adulthood, they worked on honing their craft, gaining experiences that put lyrics on music sheets in their heads. Great songs with true heart felt meaning. Now we get 18 year olds spouting advice in a love song about how they lost the one big love in their life, went through the turmoil of breaking up, survivng rehab and loving again.

Is it just the way things are done now, maybe we want the easier lifestyle extending to the way pop stars are mass produced. But ultimately is it good for young people barely out of school uniform being thrust into the world of fame, armed only with a dream.

We all need dreams, we all have wishes, the latter with a word of caution usually attached to it, be careful what you do wish for. I have been there, I used to want nothing apart from being famous. As a young boy I was a decent footballer, I had trials and was accepted by Millwall for an apprenticeship and trained with Southend because it was nearer to where I lived. Then I became good at snooker and wanted to turn professional. Both times I was interested not in playing football or snooker but being famous. It turned out I wasn't prepared to do the time, I didn't want to learn my trade bad enough, I was chasing fame and all that came with it, rather than master my profession and take what that would bring. There is a big difference.

Now it is very easy to become famous, you don't even need a talent, as so well demonstrated by the terrible twosome. If you have a not so gruesome pair you can take your top off, if you're a girl, or, if you look as good as Calum you can still make the magazines by bearing your Best bits.

It is far easier now to become famous, more channels than the 3 or 4 that I grew up with. The Internet can now make you a celebrity over night on youtube. Got to dance, can you cook, can't cook, I wont cook in a hells kitchen so come dine with me. Britain's got talent somewhere but it doesn't matter because we are going to mould them into what we want anyway. Sometimes you can make a star just out of letting them live in a house with lots of other annoying people with silly facial hair and an attitude. Then after it turns out they are not such a success out of the house call them a celebrity and stick them back in another house with lots of other 'Has beens' and make them famous again. I suppose the natural progression from there would be to find something else they are not any good at, ballroom dancing, or ice skating for example and make them famous again that way. Or the easiest way to cut out all of this would be to simply date, marry, or have an affair or exchange sexy texts with someone famous. Oh if only I had kept up the football I would have my team mates girls all over me.

The real inspiration to write this feature came about after having discussions with a 21 year old girl who is interested in getting into the music industry. With a degree in creative writing, Bluegirl not me, (just in case even one of you for a second crazily imagined it might be me) describes her music as "Colourful songs that tell the story of my life".

She tells me stars such as Judy Garland and Barbra Streisand have had a big influence on her and movie giants like Tarrantino, Scorsese and Spielberg have inspired her as everything they do is so "Big, bold and beautiful". She seems to have a cultural breeding, a love for the art of performance. A very clear vision of where she wants to be in the future. "Performing and licensing my music to television and film projects. Building my own brand in fashion and merchandise etc".

Clearly very serious about her intentions Bluegirl is spending many hours in recording
studios, she knows how hard the road ahead is. I asked her has she not considered entering one of the many talent shows on TV and she explained, "Music reality shows are useful for people who want to break into mainstream music. If you're happy singing other people's songs and being groomed then they're great. If you are fiercely creative with a definite idea of how you want to look and sound then things can get a bit tricky. I want to think very carefully about entering these kind of competitions, unless they are open to me expressing myself honestly".

I wrote a song once for my girlfriend, I cheated a little as I only wrote the words. I used the music from my favourite Estonian bands, 'The Smilers' and a track called Käime Katuseid Mööda, which translated means, 'Walking on rooftops'. Have you noticed if I am not shouting from up high and am singing up there. It took me a whole night to write the lyrics and the next day I went to a recording studio and 'Cut a disc'. I was at last a singer songwriter and the title of my number 1 song was 'Melt me'. Number 1 as in my first attempt, and last. In case you are wondering, she is no longer my girlfriend. (Photo) Smilers, not my girlfriend!

I had always found it interesting to learn the different methods song writers use when penning their hits, how long it took them to write the words, which came first the words or music, were they sad or happy at the time, were they high or full of alcohol, what inspires them. The one consistent answer I got all along was every body's different. I saw Snow patrol interviewed and lead singer Gary Lightbody said they had drunk about 6 bottles of wine, wrote loads of 'songs', woke up the next morning and threw all but one away, that one being 'Chasing cars', I love it when Leona sings that song.

Bluegirl's melodies come first, then the words. Depending on how she feels it can take a couple of hours if she is feeling emotional, or a few days if creative and intellectual, sometimes up to 3 months including production. She draws on experiences of "life, troubles, problems and vices".

This song called 'Purty Boots' took her three months to write and produce. It's had some interest from New Zealand and is available on itunes. It's a song for those who dare to dream.
http://www.bluetownsound.com/purtyboots.htm

I have closed my eyes while I am listening to 'Purty boots', I could be in front of the TV as a comedy drama begins, or sat in a theatre watching, 'Bluegirl the musical'. She describes this next track entitled 'Receptionist', as "A song all about knowing that you're in the wrong job and place in life, wanting to do what your passion is all about, this sums me up, it took about four months to write and produce". http://www.bluetownsound.com/receptionist.htm

Dragging her attention back to the likes of Jedward looking more and more likely to be annoying us for a few more years to come, Bluegirl is very philosophical about it, "I think Jedward are doing what anyone would do - and that's taking all the opportunities that are coming their way, however there are so many talented people not getting the breaks, but it's the way of the world. People with real talent have just got to work that little bit harder".

I had to ask such a talented artist what she thought about Simon Cowell and the answer was short and not very sweet "He is very rich and powerul and has terrible taste in music".

That's frighteningly accurate, I certainly agree with her on that, as do I in her admiration for Freddie Mercury and Queen, citing them as the best ever band because "All their songs were strong, colourful and had amazing melody lines. Freddy Mercury was also the showman of all showmen and Bohemian rhapsody is I think the best ever song written.

If you found her ipod in the street and hit play you would discover that the latest top 3 listened to tunes are Sammy Davis Jnr's version of "Mr Bojangles." Ray Charles' "Oh what a Beautiful Morning" and Frank Sinatra's "High Hopes". Now that is good taste, however, Dallas is the one thing we will not agree on, she has the courage for it to be known that it's the one programme she could not live without and even worse, admitting owning every episode on DVD. She does jump straight back up in my estimations condemning Beverley hills 90210 to the trash can never to be seen again

Her fantasies include sitting down with Judy Garland and educating her on healthier living, instead of the alcohol and drug lifestyle that killed her. If she could open up for any singer it would have to be Amy Whinehouse, "I want her to tell me her problems, I think I could give her some good advice". That is a concert I would pay good money to see.

Bluegirl ends by telling me she wants to chase her dream and admires people like Oprah Winfrey and Barrack Obama who have changed the historical and cultural landscape. For the moment anyway Bluegirl is the president of her own Bluetown, who knows, talent spotters willing, the big blue world.

Visit her website to listen to more of her music at www.bluetownsound.com/ and http://www.welcome2bluetown.com/ Also add her on Twitter and chat to her @BlueGirll

If there is one piece of advice I could give to any talented person reading this, don't take my advice, what do I know, just follow your own heart and dreams and never stop, as it's then you have failed.

Pull your pants up for Hollywood

2010-02-05T04:55:00.000-08:00

Hollywood here we come! 181 hopefuls made it through from 100,000 auditions from 5 cities across America.

One who wont be going to Hollywood is 'General' Larry Platt. He may not have won the votes of the judges but he sure has taken America by storm. Simon Cowell hinted that he thought 'Pants on the ground' could be a hit and he was right. It seems everyone from College to Congress is singing it and finally with radio plays the self confessed General is making money from it. Who needs Hollywood hey! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkeAzqhlkNk

Back in Kansas, season 8, Jessica Furney sang a Janis Joplin song and got a no, this year however she chose a Simon Cowell collaboration and got a yes, did her voice really improve that much in a year, or just her song selection?

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome onto the stage, Amanda shectman, actress, Britney impersonator, ventriloquist and generally very annoying. She seemed to be looking at the judges while singing looking for a reaction rather than concentrating on her song, it was almost as if she was searching for their approval of just how good she thought she was. Nothing gets past Simon and he was going to take full advantage of this situation and my God did he. He also proved why he never became an actor. You are soooo dramatic he told her. She got the 4 nominations needed and accpeted the Gold paper in true Hollywood style that wouldn't look out of place at the Oscars, we even got an acceptance speech.

Stephanie fisher, born on 7Th of the 7Th month weighed 7 lb 7 oz and lives at 'Oh i don’t want to say my address do i', (No you don't) 'OK, the 7Th house on a street', good girl. Victoria Beckham is her idol and she just couldn't sing while the Spice girl was looking at her, neither could she when her idol looked the other way. Simon told her the hard truth 'Your terrible and have a horrible voice. This strangely enough was her 7Th audition, if I were you I would change my lucky number. Nice tan though, I wonder how many years she's been tanning.

Adrian Chandtchi proved that white men really can't jump. When Ryan presumed he must be one hell of a good basket ball player 6’8” Adrian admitted, 'I cant jump'. The 'Big Kahuna' is a pretty good swimmer though, 'Blondzilla' only has to lay in the pool and he's already done a length. Randy was killing himself laughing, Kara said it sounds like there is a small boy inside you trying to get out and Simon, as only Simon can, said, 'Either that or you’ve eaten one. 4 no’s but they have his number just in case. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhH7HggUkKc

Michael Lynche the personal trainer from St Petersburg impressed the judges in Orlando with the 'Cuddly teddy bear' getting 4 vocal hugs of approval, before Ryan Seacrest received a full on hug from the bear. His brother Marque Lynche Jr made it to Idol semi finals in 2004.

Didi Benami wanted to dedicate her version of Hey Jude to a friend she lost 4 years ago. A tearful Didi couldn't hold back the tears of sadness but they soon turned to joy as she learned all 4 of the judges not only have an ear for music, but for compassion also. Watch out for this one, she is on a mission.

If that was a sad story, the next of Aaron Kelly from Orlando was just as moving, Social services wanted to put him into care at a young age, but his Auntie and Uncle stepped in and raised that boy into a mighty fine 16 year old boy with a promising future. He chose Miley Cyrus's The climb and 4 yes's put him on the next rung of the ladder. Who knows. 'I might be a role model myself to other kids one day'. Nice words from a guy so young.

Wow! Kimberly Bishop soon brought things back to a more adult level of entertainment with a raunchy performance of Katy Perry's 'I kissed a girl', YEAH and I liked it you Naughty girl. And so well mannered, without even hearing her obvious fate she left the stage with such a cute 'Am i excused'? When they bring out a show called Americans next sexiest drunk I think we have a winner right there. She must of been a little worse for wear due to alcohol right?

To win American Idol means different things to different people, well here, take a look for yourself, of course i wouldn't leave out Kimberly's performance, enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZPXn-a2eFE

Hope Johnson from Dallas gave her brother her food when they were growing up, all she wanted was another day which meant hope for the future. 'Music is my escape' she explained and we listened intently. Hope has a lot of hope in this competition, she is authentic, believable and it's just ridiculous man, it's sick. You didn't think I would do a complete review without displaying the advances I have made recently in my study of 'Americanism', did you?

1 in every 81 auditions made it through to Hollywood week where Simon, Kara and Randy will be joined by Paula Abduls replacement, Ellen DeGeneres. 157 will leave disappointed as the list is slashed tojust 24 fighting for the title of American Idol 2010. American viewers can see it on Fox February 9Th. For us Brits we must wait until the following night, ITV1 at 8pm.

Here is a sneak preview of Ellen on Idol. You can also be one of over 4 million people following her on Twitter @TheEllenShow.

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/americanidol/news/a201579/first-look-ellen-on-american-idol.html and the moment she announced it on her show http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbXdD_7Ojhw

American Idol or was it Americas next top model?

2010-02-04T09:36:00.000-08:00

The horse drawn entourage left Dallas and headed North West to the mile high city of Denver, where the air is thin as was guest judge Victoria Beckham. I was pleasantly surprised by her new look, a bit shiny looking but that's what happens when you stretch skin, she looked like a pretty snare drum.

Beauty and fashion seemed to be of high importance for these auditions. I couldn't help thinking Tyra Banks could so easily have stepped in for Randy Jackson and maybe even Vivienne Westwood could have been Simon's mouth piece, as singing took a back seat to hair, dresses and bodies. That's a real beauty and the beast pairing.

Casey James revealed how lucky he was to even be here after suffering a horrific motorcycle accident that could of killed him, his doctor even warned him he would never play guitar again. I wonder if he misheard and mixed up the words would and should. He sounded kinda disinterested if I'm honest, no personality or charisma, a bit like, yeah well so what attitude. Cue Tyra and Vivienne, I mean Kara and Victoria, they spotted something the guys had missed, they liked his look, they loved his newly freed blond locks and his newly escaped nipples. A little extra persuasion from Kara was all Randy needed to give Casey the 3 to 1 vote. Simon left bewildered, like me, wondering had he wandered onto the wrong set.

Jack Black lookalike Mark Labriola had to hope his singing would take him through because he had nothing to fall back on in the looks department. But this was one interesting dude (Do you notice I'm improving on my Americanisms?) His Mum had taken him on the run from their dad at the age of 4 and they were finally caught in Maui 6 years later, I think. He now has a gold ticket and a son of his own to go on the run with to Hollywood after impressing 8 ears instead of eyes.

Mario 'Giggle' Galvin entertained us all not with his Elvis impression but his annoying little laugh after every sentence. It was 4 no's and here is your chance to give him another one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvbCZIXSEgk

Denver seemed an angry place when it's inhabitants heard the word no and the blurers, beepers and security were all kept busy. How Simon has remained so good looking amazes me. Although it was him on the other end of a fierce tongue when Kimberley kerbow stepped in and told Simon she has something to stop him losing his hair. 'Your a single mum' he replied, 'I'm not surprised'. Lippy but funny she managed to extract 4 yes’s, Victoria Beckham proved she knows a lot about fake beauty as she pointed out that Kimberley herself was wearing a wig. Meeeoooowwwwwwww! Posh was looking very, well, posh and she does bring a little bit of style to the show, I never thought I would be writing that about her, but she does, she seems compassionate, kind and has a good heart. Which is certainly something the next contestant had, it was there on her sleeve as she was crying before she had spoken, let alone sung. 'Live' karaoke host Danielle Hayes, what does she mean 'Live' karaoke host? Am I suffering from a lost in translation moment here? Are all karaokes not live? That would be really sad wouldn't it, a miming karaoke night. Milli Vanilli songs all round then. Either way those days could be over as she was rescued from that 'Hell' by Simon and on her way to bigger and better things, and those Hollywood finals are 'Live'.

A true artist presented the 4 live models with a picture each which was a nice little touch, while her Mum Tori Kelly was a hit with the fearsome foursome and got the yes's required plus a compliment from Mrs Beckham who thought she was extremely pretty and adored her dress. I agree with her. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bm8OazEFEI

15 gold cards were granted on day 1 so it was looking good for day 2. The only change for the judges on the second day was Simon and Randy had swapped places for some reason, but Victoria was there again, she's growing on me.

Football 'Snapper' (That's the guy that throws the ball through his legs when they shout that hut hut hut thingy right?) Austin Paul, wow, he upset all 4 with his singing and attitude 'Arrogant' said Posh, Kara preferred 'Cocky' as her criticism, Simon described him perfectly as 'Annoying' and Randy did his no, no, no, no, no. I love it when he does that. Austin still convinced he was 'Gonna be a star' left with his tail instead of a ball between his legs.

Consider this next clip a 'Public service' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFMMa1rorLs

It was almost time to say good day to Denver when Nicci Nik walked in. Was she taking Helium? asked Victoria via Simon, what a cute little voice this girl has, and that's before she sings. She sounded like Sgt Hooks off Police academy. She had arrived in Denver after taking a plane from Italy to Germany then onto Colorado, that's dedication and was rewarded by 4 yes's, I hope she bought an open ticket because I got a feeling she going a long way dog. (How's my Randy coming along)

There was a really bizarre guy that looked like someone had stolen the centre of his moustache and sang that scatman song, badly, Simon said it was like having Paula back in the room, Abdul I'm guessing right? Did they not get on? Another montage of no's for 20 or so more hopefuls which included the Denver cat killer, she was bad, Denver maybe the highest state in the US but she took it a whole way higher.

This left enough time to hear the sexy lisp of cute Hayley Vaughan who impressed all four experts not just with her song but her infectious smile also. Last year Idol treated you to 'Bikini girl', this was the year for 'Bikini boy'. All 4 judges walked out leaving the hip swinging scary physco, well, you be the judges, coz they all gone already. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXavCwlFPh8

Only another 11 saw Gold on day 2 making a total of 26 going onto the finals in Hollywood. One audition left to go and I cannot wait. Can you take Victoria along please?

American Idol Round up in Dallas

2010-02-03T10:17:00.001-08:00

The second biggest state in the US has produced some of the biggest singing stars in the world including Janis Joplin, Ray Charles, Jonny Mathis and of course season 1 winner Kelly Clarkson.

Simon explained how he wanted Clint Eastwood on as a guest judge but couldn't get him so he had to settled for number 3,998 on his list Neil Patrick Harris. A TV doctor who said he was looking forward to crushing a few peoples dreams.

The first contestant from the 11,000 crowd at the cowboys stadium was a young lady who had auditioned at the same time Kelly Clarkson did back in that first ever American Idol, on that occasion Simon advised Julie Kevilighan to get a lawyer and sue her singing teacher after murdering Lady Marmalade. But 8 years on Could this possibly be her lucky day? NO! Even overflowing with confidence, carrying a sign which read, 'This is my year'. It only took a few lines from 'Black velvet' for Simon to point out the fact she had missed the word 'Not' on her placard. Her excuse this year for failing to impress the judges was she had forgotten to take a deep breath at the start, Yes good idea, then don't bother breathing out again. Make up your own mind, you just can't stop this one singing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6U2gzIdxW0A&feature=PlayList&p=907A007B717586AE&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=20

Dockworker Lloyd ‘Sexy’ Thomas came up with yet another drug story for the cameras, yes I know it makes good TV but come on, change the song. Some clever editing before the break made it look like he was going to hit Simon Cowell, well you did your job Mr producer because I tuned in after 'Those messages' and it came to light that the phrase 'Simon you can get out of here right now' was one of those Americanisms that I promise to learn by the end of this seasons Idol. He was Simon's favourite of the day and was the first male to leave with a Gold ticket from Dallas. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lRlYUTo-Eg

Kimberly Carver dished up some 'Jazz TV' next but Simon didn't enjoy the performance, the deciding vote was with Dr Houser who provided her with the gold medicine she needed for Hollywood.

Now I have seen enough talent show auditions to understand that when someone is interviewed out in the holding area and they brag with unbelievable confidence that when they step on that Idol logo on the centre of the stage they are going to be the very very very very very best thing America has ever seen, the next American idol you just know he is going to be one of THE worst singers of the day. So when Dexter Ward stepped up to the plate what he actually proved was he was in fact the next American Idiot. Simon did have some kind words to say about his positive attitude but advised him his smile and those teeth would take him far. Maybe a toothpaste commercial? It turned out the smile lasted to the other side of the exit door and then Kleenex looked more likely advertiser. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GACZMc3E5D0 The show ain't over Dexter, they still looking man.

This opened the floodgates for what I like to call a 'Montearge' of disappointment as patient after patient got the crushing diagnosis from Doctor Patrick Harris. The thing that always brings a smile to my face is that blurred out vision of the Coca Cola cups in front of the judges, or are they Pepsi?

From tears of joy and sadness to astonishment, Erica Rhodes whipped 3 of the judges into a frenzy, the ex Barney Kid had grown up into a dirty young girl. Simon asked her what her dream was, explaining he knows what his is! There were yes yes yes's from all the judges plus some rather strange knocking noises from under the desk Simon's end. Sorry I couldn't find any more recent photos of Erica for you readers

The final audition of day one saw Dave Pittman 27 explaining how he has overcome tourettes. I learned something also and in future wont be so ignorant as to believe that tourettes isn't necessarily something to shout about. Other symptoms are uncontrollable blinking, shaking of the head and unavoidable unnecessary tendencies to clear the throat. As so often happens with people who suffer with such conditions and others such as stuttering, there was no sign of any of these displayed while singing a perfect verse from Sam Cooke. Neil liked his voice and thought he was crazy brave and Simon said people are gonna like you and Dave received nods from all 4 judges.

15 golds from day 1 and Idol welcomed Joe Jonas to the panel for day 2, Clint still obviously busy then. Randy did reveal some shocking news that he was the 4th Jonas Brother, or am I still struggling with Americanisms here?

My favourite so far was next to go for gold and wow did he impress. I'm not actually going to spoil anything for you, just look for yourself http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYzVNIC2nko

Pretty cool song hey? Keep an eye on that guy, he has real star quality.

Vanesssa Johnston is ultra super optimistic. The girl in pink used the whole of the stage 'Searching for the right note' and 'My worst nightmare' is how Simon described her. 3 no's didn't dent her enthusiasm saying she was still very excited as Simon delivered some 'More good news' with the 4th one. She still walked out feeling 'Fantastic' adding, at least Simon is dreaming of me at night. Now that is positivity. Can I have some of what you have, please!

I do love it when they play a few of Simon's best insults, and here are a few more gems from the Diamond of TV talent shows. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3cTEQFP3VQ

16 year old Christian spear who almost died of Leukemia when a child impressed Randy, Joe and Kara with her confidence and lack of fear, Simon thought she was incredibly brave and completed the full house of approval.

There were 31 winners from Dallas, next stop for the talent train is Denver Colorado. Looking forward to seeing Victoria Beckham as one of the guest judges, a new Victoria if we are to believe the news. It will be interesting to see if her face actually still moves. Whatever happens let's hope it's an uplifting experience for everyone. See you there.

Take a look at this, then be the star in the next showing

2010-02-03T08:10:00.000-08:00

http://en.tackfilm.se/?id=1265212871851RA52

It's very clever. Make sure you watch right 'til the end. It is not a wind up or one of those annoying jokes that frighten you with some silly surprise. It's beautiful, apart from the star in this particular premier. Enjoy.

Katie and Alex marry

2010-02-03T04:27:00.000-08:00

Winner on Celebrity Big Brother Alex Reid has married his girlfriend of 7 months (On and off) in a small private (Rushed) ceremony in Vegas at Midnight 2 Feb GMT

I have no opinion on either as individuals apart from what I have seen over recent months on TV. Alex was a gentlemen right the way through CBB7 and he survived Vinnie Jones bullying and turned the public preconceptions of him full circle proudly walking out of the house with over 65% of the votes.

I was one of the people who also watched Katie's dreadful bullying from the British public as they voted her to do every 'Bush tucker trial' on I'm a celebrity get me out of here. Yes, in our minds she wanted the publicity, but Katie tells us it was for herself, to find closure, to go back to the 'Scene of the time' as it were. Who are we to say what was inside her head?

But this is where my sympathy for both stops. Alex seems to be a confused, starstruck little boy, a rabbit caught in the spotlights of fame. Maybe he does love Katie and Katie loves him, but seven months? Come on, it's impossible to know all each others annoying little habits that quick.

I have been out with girls for 2 years and still not known all her little idiosyncrasies. It's impossible to know if someone is right for you in that time. Maybe it will last, perhaps they are two lost souls who need to be with someone to feel complete, but I cannot for the life of me understand why they have done it, there is no need. She is still getting rid of the green mark left by her last ring, bought for her by that cheap little fame seeking Aussie Peter Andre.

His rumble in the jungle was nothing more than a plan to find fame again after slipping right down under, he couldn't even make a career for himself his own beloved Australia. He has admitted in The News of the world that Katie was never his type, well here's a little tip for you sport, don't marry someone who isn't your type and definitely don't have children with them.

I really hope Alex and Katie do stay together, I think Mr and Mrs Reid stand more of a chance than Messrs Andre for the simple reason that Alex has no agenda, I believe he truly loves Katie, I think he is a softy at heart and would do anything for Katie and that's what Katie needs.

I can't help thinking that Alex is in over his head, he will be blown away by all the publicity Ts.unami that is about to swallow him up. Let's hope he doesn't get spat out the other side.

Good luck to you.

Watch Peter Andres reaction on Sky News today http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Showbiz-News/Peter-Andre-Singer-Forced-To-End-Kay-Burley-Sky-TV-Interview-After-Questions-About-Katie-Price/Article/201002115541631?f=rss

Website for beautiful people kicks off fat people

2010-02-02T13:43:00.000-08:00

A dating website for "beautiful people" says it has kicked off 5,000 members for getting too fat over Christmas. http://www.beautifulpeople.com/ said it acted after users posted photos of themselves celebrating Christmas and the New Year - revealing they had "let themselves go".

"We responded to complaints by moving the newly chubby members back to the rating stage. This is the same as having them re-apply," said Greg Hodge, the managing director. "Their re-applications were reviewed by existing members and only a few hundred were voted back in. Over 5,000 were rejected."

Most of those expelled came from the US and Canada, but nearly 900 were from Britain, reports the Daily Telegraph. The social networking site, which boasts 550,000 members worldwide, allows its members to decide on who should be allowed to join.

Hodge went on: "Every year we see that some of our members from western cultures eat and drink to excess over the holidays and clearly their looks suffer,"

"The USA has been grossly over-indulging since Thanksgiving - it's no wonder that so many members have been expelled from the network. We hope they will be back after shedding the festive pounds.

"In the UK and Canada, Christmas and the New Year are all about over-eating, over-drinking and watching TV on the sofa." In an attempt to soften the blow to those given the boot, the website sent details of fitness centres where they could work off their holiday excesses.

Any gyms want to advertise on my blog? Anyone? Mr Bannatyne?

Wanted: Expert to study lap dancers

2010-02-02T13:30:00.000-08:00

Leeds University is advertising for a £31,000-a-year researcher - to study lap dancing.

The post is for a "Research Officer" - The rise and regulation of lap dancing and the place of sexual labour and consumption in the night time economy".

The Government-funded position will see the successful applicant interview 300 lap dancers in two northern English towns.

The study, which comes with a salary of £31,513, is aimed at finding out who becomes lap dancers and what their working conditions are like, as well as how the number of bars have multiplied.

The ad stipulates the successful applicant will need to have "prior experience of conducting research in the female sex industry". Do you think visiting such establishments counts as research?

But Susie Squire, political director at the TaxPayers' Alliance, complained: "This is the ultimate non-job and will both anger and bemuse taxpayers.

"It may be a dream job for some men, but it's just another nightmare of public sector waste for the ordinary people who pay for it.". Oooohhhhhhhhhhh jealoussssss as Sebastian from Little Britain would say

A real 'Blue movie'

2010-02-02T13:07:00.000-08:00

Fans of the blockbuster movie Avatar are being promised a 'blue' alien sex scene when the film comes out on DVD.
The sex scene was cut from the cinema version of the 3D sci-fi adventure, said director James Cameron.

It features the giant blue avatar of paraplegic US Marine Jake Sully locking hair with his love interest, Neytiri.

Cameron said: "We had it in and we cut it out so that will be something for the special edition DVD - if you want to see how they have sex."

Actress Zoe Saldana, who plays Neytiri, said the sex involves the same process the alien race uses to communicate on its fictional home planet.

In the film, communication takes place by locking hair with flora and fauna, in a process known as "synching".

Saldana said: "If you sync to your banshee and you're syncing to a tree, why not sync into a person? Or as we humans do, sink into a human.

"It was a very funny scene to shoot because there were so many technical things that sometimes you have to keep in mind that paying attention to all those might disrupt the fluidity of how a scene is supposed to take place."

The actress said the scene was left out originally because the film was aimed at a family audience

American idol

2010-02-02T08:59:00.000-08:00

More than 20,000 hopefuls queued at the Rose bowl in Los Angeles over 2 days for auditions to show the judges that they have what it takes to be the next Kelly Clarkson or Adam Lambert.

Only 24 of those managed to impress judges Simon Cowell, Kara DioGuardi, Randy Jackson and guest judge Avril Lavigne, the Canadian singer and fashion designer, did she design that horny hoodie number? And Katy Perry, her of kissing a girl fame. Although this is now in doubt as the girl she is believed to have kissed is none other than recent UK Celebrity Big Brother contestant Lady Sovereign who made the claim recently. You make up your own minds, that's her in the pic. If I were a straight girl I don't think I would want to kiss it, her, him.

Back to the main purpose for being here, it's all about the singers not the celebrity judges, only I wont let Simon hear me say that. Ryan Seacrest, as brilliant as ever got the show on the long road with the first victim of Simons snake like tongue Neil Goldstein. This guy was scary enough to look at without him even opening his mouth . Sweat already pouring from his head which contains a brain with an IQ of 168, he admitted 'I'm into absolutely everything, you name it I'm into it and I’m gonna get that gold ticket, I'm going to Hollywood come rain or shine'. Well, if a Tsunami came travelling in the direction of Hollywood that wouldn't even take you there, it'll spit you out the moment it hears you make that funny little noise with your mouth, and don't even get me started on the singing. His song choice 'Remember everything that i told you' by meatloaf, couldn't of had a worse title as he forgot everything, first line included. Cowell remarked 'How ironic'. When he received the inevitable 4 no's the sweat poured more profusely as he screamed 'I’m not going anywhere, never was a statement so true, you aint going nowhere, especially the Hollywood finals. He found it hard to accept the harsh reality and his parting words with threatening tone were 'Try not to nail my arse with a door again Simon', with reference to an earlier incident where Cowell accidentally hit him while opening a door, this is what put Neil off his audition, honest. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNu_BGhPY2w&feature=related

Sanity was restored to proceedings when Jim Ranger stepped onto the hot spot and sang his own song called 'Drive'. He impressed all but Avril who thought that life as a pop star is not one for a married Pastor with 3 children, he made it through and will be preaching his music again in Hollywood.

I think the best bits of Idol are not when the successful singers are given their Gold card but when the other 19,977 are told no, especially when Randy is the 'Dog' saying the no's, how cool is that dude. Jayson Wilson received at least 4 no's from Randy alone, 7 altogether, all the judges were singing from the same song sheet on this occasion as they were for Jesse Chang's interpretation of Kung Fu fighting. Next for the chop was martial arts expert Damien Lefavour, a passivised who knows the best way not to get hurt is to not fight at all, walk away and swallow your pride. He choked as he failed to hit the right note he has been trying to nail for over 2 years as the judges all looked like they were about to suffer some kind of 'Wrongeous' Brothers induced death. Back to making pepperoni sandwiches Monday morning then. Watch his audition http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CULvzNogbmc&feature=related

It seems last years winner was the subject of many wannabe lookalikes, one guy remarking that he thought if he and Susan Boyle were to have a child, he would be the result, he was scarily correct, unfortunately he only had Susan's looks and not her voice. A J Mendoza was next in the firing line, not only was he a dead ringer for Adam, he actually had received rave reviews about his voice from the 2009 champion after sending him a demo, this is what gave him the encouragement and confidence to audition. Randy began his trademark laugh from the moment he sang the opening line from Living colours' 'Coats of personality', Simon thought it sounded like he had been to the dentist ten minutes before the show and had a tonne of numbing solution injected into his mouth. It really was as Randy described it (After the laughing stopped) 'A bad ventriloquist act', adding, 'This is the easiest no of the day'. Any chance he had of winning viewers over were thrown away as first his 'Friend', that no doubt is one of the people ill advising him, (Along with Adam Lambert), that he can sing as he kept the BEEP BEEP machine operator busy, then the American Idol symbol was needed to disguise the use of I'm not sure how many fingers from a now angry dummy.

Day 2 welcomed Avril's replacement guest judge Katy Perry. Her first subject for her yes or her no, her wrong or her right was Shiny dressed water treatment worker Austin Fullmer
who said he wouldn't mind if he was doing a concert and girls wanted to get up on stage and touch him, hmm, I kinda think that doesn't happen often, he looked like a gay Dennis the menace and sang as bad as he looked. Katy and Kara agreed (For a change) that he reminded them of like an Iggy pop crossed with Mick Jagger. Austin who believed this was his purpose in life was asked by Simon, 'Can you not just carry on cleaning water?' He took the news that he will not be going to the finals very badly as he went from a confident certainty to a water works all of his own. He couldn't understand how Randy and Simon didn't like him he told his friends, 'Katy and Kara got it, finally a real man was in front of them', then stormed out in a Tantrum Elton John would be proud of.

The next looking for a life changing opportunity was Andrew Garcia, a 23 year old guy with a dream of a better life than his parents had as gang members and give his own son the chance of a future. He sang as well as his namesake Andy Garcia dances, reminded me a little of a great newish British singer Paulo Nutini, if you haven't heard this guy Nutini sing you must, here is a sample of his voice http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-xd3NuWQI0

Simon thought Andrew was 'The first genuine good, good singer of the 2 days. Randy said 'If you can sing, you can sing anything and i think you can sing anything you got mad vocals dog'. His voice gave katy chills, she was almost busting out of her hot little red number with excitement and Kara gave him a 110% yes. It seems like a good plan to bring your kids along to the auditions if you have any, if you don’t borrow one for the day.

Up until now it was only guys getting the golden tickets to the land of dreams so could real Southern belle Tasha Layton float the judges boat and get the vote to cruise onto Hollywood. The simple answer was Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!.

Jason Green a guy who really believes in magic was told to disappear but not before hitting on Simon, getting on his knees and touching himself making Katy and Kara feel very dirty. I think he turned up with only one objective which was to give his phone number to Ryan Seacrest, who was quick to tell him 'Contrary to what you might of heard about me I'm not the one you should be giving your number to', then amusingly passing it to a gigantic security guy who looked about as gay as Rambo. Just click here if you don't believe me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CKZqPUtb3M&feature=related

Katy and Kara were having their own personal battle as it seemed they just couldn't agree on anything. This exploded into an argument when the final contestant for LA Chris Golightly sang his own version of Ben E King's Stand by me. We heard how since the age of 18 months he had lived with 25 different foster families, a fact that Katy Perry thought had nothing to do with American Idol, 'This is not a film about life stories this is a singing competition' she reminded Kara. Chris was Kara's favourite singer of the day and gave him a big Y, Simon offered him a small y as did a less than happy Katy, it was all finished off very beautifully as is usually the case by the coolest dude in the room Randy, with the biggest Y of them all. Chris who has never had anything in his life has taken the first step to getting something. His next stop, Hollywood, ours? Dallas

Yeeeeeeeha

Today the Haiti appeal single was played for the first time on British radio. It is released as a download on Subday the 7th February and on CD on Monday. All proceeds going to the Help Haiti fund. 21 top class singers from all over the world gave their time for free, including Mariah Carey, Leona Lewis, Rod Stewart, Robbie Williams, Susan Boyle. You can listen to it here but please if you can buy it from Sunday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16qIvszIcp8

Pirates of the Indian Ocean

2010-02-01T06:26:00.000-08:00

Since the beginning of the civil war in Somalia in the early 90's, hundreds of millions of dollars have been paid to the Somali Falla. Ransom demands for their most recent high profile kidnap victims, Paul and Rachel Chandler, have been slashed from 4 million pounds to just a hundred thousand. I think it's about time the man in charge of England (Gordon Brown) put his hand in his pocket and did the deal while the transfer window is still open.

For everyone who holds the notion of 'Don't reward terrorists' I am with you. But one way or another we will pay, extra for goods we buy because of increases in shipping charges, security escorts required to secure safe passage through dangerous pirate infested waters. We cannot let these two innocent victims die. We have newspapers fighting over who will pay the £250,000 to a girl who, if she doesn't ruin John Terry will almost certainly ruin any slim chance we had of a decent run in the world cup in 110 days time, tabloids will make sure of that, they usually do, only this time our captain has fuelled the negative charge by his incapability to contain his urge for a french fancy.

110 days? Doesn't time fly, I guess not if you are Mr and Mrs Chandler who just 103 days ago were fulfilling a dream of a lifetime happily sailing around the Indian ocean. Today they were reunited for the first time since their capture by pirates back on October 23rd 2009 on doctors orders for the well being of Rachel. This was only a brief reunion but her captures assured her that she will see her Husband again this evening. The doctor, also from the pirates camp, explained these visits are necessary to keep their spirits and hopefully their bodies alive. They know the couple are worthless to them if either of them should die.

The world has donated billions of dollars to various catastrophes around the globe in recent years and most recently to the Haiti earthquake appeal and rightly so, can we not find it in ourselves to help these 2 people who we know are still alive today?

I imagine either way there will be a book, a film and documentaries about the Chandlers in the near future, let's make it a script with a happy ending. Warner Brothers, MGM, Fox, Richard Branson and Rupert Murdoch, they all make fortunes from TV and movies, film makers will pay millions actors that will play the roles of Paul and Rachel Chandler, how about paying the real performers fees now, call it a payment for character research, it doesn't come better than from those playing the parts for real.

Or, Why wont one of the newspapers step up and pay a fee to save 2 lives instead of paying more than double to ruin one man and his family by rewarding yet another 'Kiss and tell Tart' who opened her legs, laid back and didn't think of England.

You're watching Big Brother

2010-02-01T04:31:00.000-08:00

In the year that it's revealed Channel 4 will not be renewing it's contract to televise CBB8 viewing figures suggest that not only is big Brother watching us, we are watching it.

4 million viewers watched as Vinnie Jones finally relinquished the crown of 'Peoples champion and watched in probable amazement as the British public listened to Vinnie admitting in his own words 'I have enough votes in my range rover ash tray, I don't need anymore'.

Half a million more people were attracted to the final this year than last when Ulrika Johnson took the award for favourite imprisoned celebrity. Overall CBB7 picked up an average of 100,000 viewers per episode than last year.

Rumours are that channel 5 and Sky are interested in remortgaging the Big Brother house. As a first time viewer of CBB I personally will feel cheated if I don't get to live the experience again. General opinion is that this was the magnificent 7 of the series, I think with a big sponsor behind it, which there are surely many eager with cheque books open, even bigger celebs could be enticed into the house making it even more exciting than the last.

Here are 5 reasons you watched in your increasing millions this year
http://www.bigbrother.tellymix.co.uk/2010/features/3938-top-5-best-bits-from-celebrity-big-brother-2010.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TellymixBigBrother+%28TellyMix+Big+Brother%29&utm_content=Twitter

Who would you like to see on CBB8?

You can't hurry a Murray, playing away and stick with what we're good at

2010-01-31T08:18:00.000-08:00

Just hours after Roger Federer comfortably saw off the challenge of the 'Scot' news reporters and tennis experts are again looking for the reason why Britain are still searching for a grand slam victory by a man since the 1930's. Virginia Wade did do it for the girls in 1977 but this was a freak, by that I mean the result, or maybe not on second thoughts.

Why is this? The answer is very simple, we are not good enough. There is far more competition in the game than there was back in the the days when Fred Perry took less than 40 minutes to destroy his German opponent by 3 sets to love at Wimbledon in 1936. Let's not give up hope yet, Murray is only 22 years old and is unfortunate to be playing in what is without doubt the Federer era. Not necessarily unfortunate, I believe this is a great time for Muray to be playing the Swiss master, learning his craft, honing his game, let's not forget he has already beaten Federer 4 times out of 11. Murray will get stronger and stronger, he will master the strokes that are beating him at the moment, he is the best prospect we have had since 1936, yes I know Henman threatened but won few trophies and his name will always be associated with a mound of earth outside Wimbledon rather than what he did inside on court.

There was a brief glimmer of hope from a Canadian who we kidnapped as one of our own but soon released him when we discovered he was never going to pay the ransom. Andy Murray has made it clear in the past that he is playing for his homeland Scotland and after this latest defeat we are delighted to release you too.

We English will settle for the fact that we still don't have any grand slam winners. Murray is an outstanding talent and if it wasn't for some bad Swiss timing and a title is only a few serve volleys away. We could go on about lack of facilities and players having to go abroad for coaching and the right conditions, but the fact is tennis is just not our thing.

What does the expert think about Murrays chances of winning a grand slam. I mean Becker out of the three in the clip. http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/tennis/8489968.stm

What is our thing? We have arguably the best football league in the world. but approximately 70% of players are foreigners. This no doubt is a huge contributory factor in the failings of our national team. We always threaten to do well but trip up at the last but one or two hurdles. I think the truth is we are not nearly as good at many sports as we think we are. Yes we have achieved on rare occasions but it was the bulldog spirit that got us through, rather than great technique and dazzling skills.

I had average hopes for South Africa this summer but it seems even our team captain is playing on a different side to the rest of his 'Mates'. Should they strip him of the captaincy? Most definitely, who should get it? There is only one other man for the job, Wayne Rooney. What do you think?

I think we should stick with what we are best at, making people laugh and laughing at ourselves, there is an abundance of material available there.

Alex Reid, 007? not yet, but 001 is number 1

2010-01-29T16:27:00.000-08:00

I don't think Alex Reid will ever become a top class actor, but then again that is exactly why he won Celebrity Big Brother.

Vinnie on the other hand was an actor, however, after his latest performance in 'Gone in 27 days' was a massive flop and early reviews suggest directors wont be bashing down his Hollywood door. To think he turned down the part of Rambo because they only offered him 200,000 for 3 months work, 'Stallone was getting 10 million for it'. Well he did write it Vinnie, I bet you wish you had learned to write when you were at school now don't you.

Before we found out who the winner was BB played 'My way' through the speakers and the 5 remaining HM's said a tearful farewell and spoke frankly about what they had got out of the whole experience. Alex explained how he had wanted to change peoples opinions about him and turn the boos into cheers by just being himself. Stephanie told how she went in a 'Stuck up cow' and came out a better person, to be honest I actually had a few tears in my eyes also. I have lived the whole experience with them, or as much as coverage allowed. In a funny way I think I am one of the few people in the country that actually experienced BB for the first time. I'm sure even the majority of the house mates had seen the show before.

I don't think I was surprised when Stephanie was the next to be evicted, she left with dignity and made the most glamorous of exits, she had enjoyed the whole experience, it was like 'The best holiday she had ever been on'. No phones, no control, just did as she was told, got pampered and even allowed a little of her class to rub off onto Nicola. She may not of turned her into a lady yet but she promised it was a 'Work in progress'.

I think we all knew, but more importantly, who we wanted, the last 3 to be. Dane, Alex and Jonas. OK so 2 out of 3 is not bad, Vinnie survived one vote longer than I expected after the last few days of newspaper and TV talk, it seemed the nation had picked up the 'Pay back Vinnie time baton' and run with it. The British public had turned and when they turn, they turn. We showed what a nation of swingers we are when we all changed our opinions on the bad guy and sided with the underdog. I hadn't voted at all until tonight, but out of my duty to do the decent thing I picked up my phone and voted for Alex. The funny thing is the spark was provided by the man that was trying to destroy him from the beginning, Vinnie Jones. He said to Alex how he could 'Easily leave 500,000 votes in the ash tray of his Range rover and still have more votes than Alex'. Well Vinnie, there are millions of people that would pay another 50p to watch you sifting through your ash tray for them. Give Vinnie his due though, as Jimmy Carr so accurately pointed out 'He is consistent, he always acts shit, in shit films'.

(Photo) 'I want Rocky and Bowers taken out now'.

The person that surprised me most when he got his marching orders was Jonas, he seemed to turn into a bit of a knob really, some of it embarrassment maybe?

So we were down to the final duo, the correct duo, Dane had lost his Daddy, his partner in crime and I think he was very surprised when he realised it was only he and Alex left in the house. I believe that is the first time in over 2 weeks where he had thought 'I might not win this'. His relationship with Vinnie demolished his chances of being crowned king. He believed their own 'A Team' hype, as it turned out the right A team won, team Alex.

There were many highlights from the 27 days of CBB and I asked twitterers to offer their favourites. A lot of you enjoyed the tree of temptation and I think if there had of been a number to vote for him he would of come 2nd for sure. His telling Alex to 'Kick shit out of the snowman was very popular chosen by @ComedyQueen and also his conversation with Nicola, telling her she looked like Bruce Forsyth and she was a bit fick. The cake fiasco in the diary room was a stroke of genius by the BB team and one thing that went largely unnoticed was when Dane had to pretend he was having a nightmare in the middle of the night, that was great TV. When I say unnoticed I mean Alex's reaction to it rather than the nightmare itself. He went straight into 'Boxing on guard mode' and was ready to defend his territory and his friends. If you haven't seen it, or even if you have, take another look here, but watch Alex in the left corner of the picture. http://bigbrotheruk2010.com/big-brother-news/alex-reid-protects-housemates-from-danes-nightmare/

Another highlight and moment of TV gold which will go down in BB history is the moment Davina realised one of her lifetime dreams and became a HM. I wrote extensively in my previous blog about it and if you are one of the few people on the planet that hasn't seen her in the house here it is. http://www.imediamonkey.com/articles/4008

'Yo Katie, I did it' So after all the fake tan, the stripping off, the training and surviving the ridiculing from Vinnie and Mini Vinnie, 65% of the public used their vote for honesty and above all Gentlemanly conduct. He proved you can still be a man and show your sensitive side, he also showed us that being the brightest isn't as important as being the nicest. If you would like to see the first private interview from Alex Emma Willis grabbed him for a chat before his appearance on CBBBM and he had rather a nice looking woman sitting on his lap also.

http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/video/9c4ad88ffcc9684a3c384f802f55c15f/play.c4

All attention switched to CBBBM and all the housemates were there with the exception of Heidi who had a few birds to see to herself. Ivana was as classy as always and said she would be writing a book on her experience in the house. Stephanie was off on holiday, Nicola has the intention of opening a spot bursting clinic and to do more work for charity, Stephen will be raising money for 'Help for heroes', Jonas will be Alex's support act after Alex has finished filming in India, Dane wants to write a cook book but isn't too keen on singing again but after getting his confidence back said he might be persuaded, maybe the worlds first 'Sung cookery book' is on the cards? Sisqo will release a new album with his bro's Dru hill and And Sov wants to go to the toilet. As for Vinnie, he told Davina that he starts work in New Orleans on Tuesday, Probably hod carrying on the rebuilding project after the hurricane.

Big Brother, for what we received we are truly thankful.

The final word of the final series goes to God himself Mr Stephen Baldwin. He spoke some scaringly accurate Prophetic words when he told Alex 'You are in for a life changing experience'. Who's crazy now?

The real star of BB Davina McCall

2010-01-28T14:37:00.000-08:00

Nobody else could have handled the funny farm quite the way Davina did and there are two very simple reasons, the first being her unrivalled natural talent to handle any situation she faces and secondly the sheer love she has for BB.

Davina entering the Celebrity Big Brother house helped boost viewing figures on the highlights programme at 9pm on Channel 4 to 3.24m (13%) and kept viewers captive as her time in the house provided hilarious entertainment. A further 416,000 tuned in at 10pm on Channel 4+1.

It was the best piece of drama during CBB7 without the slightest hint of acting. No agenda, no plan, no motive, just pure TV heaven. If channel 4 don't continue with CBB8 then I'm certain there will be other channels knocking on the door of the BB house. This isn't just any show, it is the B all and Endemol. A gem from Holland we must hold onto. ITV today announced Adam Crozier as their new chief executive. The former head of the FA and more recently Royal mail has the perfect opportunity to kick off his new post, stamp his authority and deliver a first class entertainment package to ITV.

There have been many moments throughout the 'Last ever' series of CBB that I have written about over the past 24 days, moments of pure gold. The whole animal costume task began as nothing more than a ruse to sneak Davina into 'Her house' and something which on the face of it seemed to go so wrong instead became a moment of television history. If Davina has turned out to be the big big brother story a very close second is without a doubt the tree. Again tonight we witnessed it's awesome power as it managed to persuade Vinnie to show his softer side and convince Alex that he too had cross dressed in the past and actually enjoyed it, he must really like Leeds United as his reward for passing the task was to watch the 2-2 draw with Spurs in last weekends FA Cup tie. The tree mentioned there might even be a chance of the hard man being cast in a Romantic comedy if he proved he could also play soft, what you reckon, 'The Vinncent Jones Diaries'?

Nick the chick, Alex the Chicken, Vinnie the horse, Dane the goat, Jonas the pig, Steph the cow (For a little while) and Ivana the sheep, briefly, were only allowed to talk in their 'Pen', any communication outside that area had to be conducted in animal talk. Alex was hilarious strutting around chick chicking, Jonas oinking and I'm sure farting regularly also, a goat doing a really good Michael Jackson dance impression but nothing from the horses mouth.

After Nicolas secret eviction and a new nick chick was introduced to the zoo, the original pack of animals ganged up on the runt of the litter and at times Davina was visibly scared, particularly of a very big horse with a very big mouth admitting he was freaked out by the mystery chick and wanted to keep hitting it and 'Sling it out the back'. Alex thought it was Katie but the eggs were far too small, he chased her round the garden and was goaded by the goat, this was turning into a real nightmaaaaaaaaaarrreeeeee for Davina as Dane shouted to Alex to 'Cockadoodle do her', quality.

Finally she was rescued by a call to the diary room and it was so cute to see her sat in the chair she had always dreamed of being in and hearing the words she has waited 10 years to hear 'Big Brother is always here for you'. I noticed even though she was experiencing one of her life ambitions that she didn't forget all of us from Twitter as she sent tweet after tweet even though she was deep in conversation with a bit of Swedish bacon, Oh how much happier I would be right now if Jonas was from Denmark. Jonas told the lads he was going to bang a nice young Swedish chick but it turned out to be an older, heavier bird with masculine hands. I believe Davina left that house with only one regret, she couldn't produce a fart when she wanted one most. More seed Davina.

I am hoping that an animal doesn't win in tomorrow nights final show, I would be a very happy man if the remaining celebrities went in the following order;

Vinnie
Stephanie
Dane
Jonas
Alex.

I truly believe that is the right result based on peoples behaviour over the past 25 days. Katie Price seemed happy enough with her mans performance, she tweeted earlier tonight @MissKatiePrice...AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING MY BOY HAS DONE AMAZING.

BBLB is on E4 at 6pm Friday evening followed by the main show on channel 4 at 8.30pm then again at 10pm then back over to E4 and Big Brothers Big Mouth.

Dasvidaniya Ivana, It vas vat it vas and Nicola 'Evic' T

2010-01-27T16:29:00.000-08:00

Ivana woke up this morning a 'Happy camper' after her 6 hours sleep and tomorrow she will be able to get back to making a hundred grand before breakfast. The trump card finally came up 19 days after her magical entrance into the house. I make that 1.9 million she has lost, less of course the rumoured million fee for going in. She always said she didn't do it for the money and by all accounts it would seem to be the truth. She was very happy to have beaten Martha Stewart to a fictitious award and delighted to have achieved her goal of showing that she is just a normal person that can clean and cook, as down to earth as Vinnie but with so much more class.

Dane had rather a smaller goal to achieve by going in the house, telling BB 'I want people to see I'm not a knob, or not as bigger one as they thought'. On the contrary, Jonas wants everyone to know what a knob he has. He has been billed as the biggest penis ever to come out of Sweden. I thought Jonas was very touching tonight when he was explaining to the HM's how he beat tourettes on his FUCKING own.

There were more confessions tonight from Nicola revealing the first time she had sex with her current boyfriend Simon he had a huge cast on his leg. 'I always thought the first 6 months with someone was the time for the best sex'. Not only was he hard in the wrong places he also had a drain tube coming out of an infection he got in the cast which oozed yellow puss, oh those early romantic days of swapping bodily fluids hey.

Most housemates were in agreement that Alex was the one who had impressed them most and seems to have won over a huge majority of the public also as he is now the favourite to win Fridays final. Alex himself told how beating up 'Snarnie' the snowman was the highlight of his time on our screens. This show really can change peoples careers, as we get inside the celebrity and see the real person inside. No matter how good the act no one can be on their guard 24 hours a day for 28 days and cracks appear, I'm sure they are not even sure where their acting finishes and reality begins.

I watch every available second eager not to miss a trick. Even when it's on TV people are using every social network, tweeting, facebooking beboing and any other means of putting our point of view across. Twitter was manic tonight, at times struggling to keep up with our demands to electronically scream support for our favourite HM. There's Team Alex, Team Vinnie, Team I don't care who wins, all frantically typing with one eye on the lap top the other on the TV. I have noticed though the huge sway in opinion against 'Hard man Vinnie' and I am very very surprised he remained on the pitch so to speak tonight. The public tweeting are most certainly not those voting, if they were then the 'Horse' would of fell at the eviction hurdle today. One tweet I picked out was this one from @lynnruddick: 'Vinnie has lost the plot and the public vote, cbb certainly can turn your career around'!

Why are we not voting? I haven't voted, it's not even the 50p, I suppose like thousands of others I just think 'Oh my one vote wont make any difference'. But it will and we must vote out Vinnie. If we don't vote for our favourite it's the same as giving him a vote. I hope this guy uses his fingers to vote tomorrow instead of typing @Mikedonnylad..'representing the people... Bloody hope not! Final call for Vinnie Jones flight to up-ur-own-arseville'. A right little Judith Chalmer he is.

Jonas said before he went into the house he thought Hollywood stars were all arseholes but he has changed his mind. How? Why? He didn't meet any in there did he? You can't really call Stephanie Beacham a Hollywood superstar can you? Marlon Brando yes, ah well she shagged him. Maybe when they say there will not be anymore Celebrity BB they are going to repackage it and give it a new, flashier, more honest title 'I've shagged a celebrity let me in there'.

Poor Nicola, come on who really expected her to go tonight? She even got thrown out into the street without her shoes. Who is going to ask all the searching investigative questions now Nicola? I can almost here her asking, 'What does investigative mean', sorry I'm ficker than Alex'. She was the one who asked Stephanie if she bonked Brando, she is the one that asked I wonder what percentage of the world didn't have fridges. Give it a fortnight she will have her own chat show. Maybe she should be the new question time host, at the very least we will hear the questions we want other than Dimbleby's ramblings.

Davina admitted tonight that she has waited 10 series to get the chance of going into the BB house and when she finally got the gig it all went a bit pear shaped to be honest. The plan on the surface looked quite good, dress all the HM's in animal costumes, send the first housemate to be evicted to the diary room and slip Davina into the costume and sneak her back into the diary room. Good plan, only snag was Ivana refused to wear the costume so it had to wait until 'Little Nicola' was evicted. little being the important word, Davina is by her own admission nothing like Nicola size wise and her cover was blown the second she walked in there. But it was still an interesting study of how people react when out of their comfort zone, she was like a fish out of water, or a chicken out of her pen. She was visibly shaking, nervous even in the diary room, actually even as she was trying to get into the diary room by pushing instead of sliding, she knew it slid, she's watched it a 1000 times but she was 'Gone'. If you missed her entrance it's here http://www.imediamonkey.com/articles/4008

She was then subjected to being chased and pinned up against the wall as all the animals ran wild and wanted to see who the intruder was. It isn't Nikki said Vinnie, Stephanie said the hands are too masculine, she is taller than Nikki and doesn't have a ring on. I just think it's sad that the producers didn't think it through a little more as I think it spoilt Davina's big moment and shattered all her dreams of spending some time incognito in what has been her 'Home' for the last 10 years. It was lovely to see her on Big mouth later and said it was never her intention to stay the night as she only ever sleeps with her husband, it's a rule. Davina you are a Goddess, a TV legend, please get back on Big Mouth where you were sorely missed. And, when you are in charge again get rid of John MCrerick, he is the most vile, disgusting specimen of a man. How his appearance on the show tonight can be described as entertainment I will never understand, not even with channel 4's innovative leadership in the field of alternative programming can his performance tonight be justified in any way, it was diabolical. What was that Skeptic doing on there also? Channel 4 had 6 out of the top 10 trending topics on Twitter tonight including Davina who is always trendy in my eyes, Desperate housewives and Desperate Housemates, otherwise known as CBB7. Ivana, Nicola and the 'Tree of temptation were the other top trending three topics.

Unless something drastic happens over the last 2 days I think the celebrity that deserves the title of CBB7 champion is the 'Tree of temptation'. It has provided most of the laughs and handed out the greatest insults. If you were not lucky enough to hear the interview on the Chris Moyles show this morning with the piece of wood and the tree of temptation click here it's a classic http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVP1ufI8C6c

Tomorrow Thursday at 6pm on E4 is BBLB with George Lamb who gets some good guests and does some great phone interviews with people like Alex Reids Dad, brilliant, Brian Belo is always good for a laugh and gaga Lady Ga Ga you just have to watch out for her celebrity tales.

9 pm channel 4 the main event, will there be a surprise eviction or are we stuck with the not so famous 5 until Friday night?

There is no Big Mouth Thursday so it's back over to E4 at midnight for Big Brother live. One more little treat for any Ruddy hell it's Paul and Harry fans, look out for Nicola and Brian Belo's impression of the surgeons in this interview http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/video/12b8b1ac19b6d5f3b9c12c991fb2490d/play.c4

And the winner is...........

2010-01-26T14:05:00.000-08:00

After last night's disappointment tonight's show more than made up for that. Congratulations are in order firstly for BB who came up with another great idea for a task. The shows depend a lot on these tasks and are noticeably so much less fun without them.

Nicola was first into the diary room tonight and explained how Stephanie has been trying to convert from Eliza donenothing into Eliza Doolittle by giving her elocution lessons. When asked by BB for a demonstration, Nicola lowered and slowed her speech to try and prove that she can do posh but failed miserably as BB asked again, 'Can you do posh though'?

Ivana was the next celebrity to be summoned to the diary room to receive what on the surface looked like fantastic news, but this is BB, things are not always what they seem, or as Ivana says 'It is what is is'. Well tonight Ivana it wasn't what it was.
She was duped into thinking that she was 1 of 3 business women up for international business woman of the year in a reality show, Martha Stewart was her main opposition for her role in 'Jailhouse rocks', nice touch there, and someone who I couldn't even find out on Twitter who she is someone called Tamara for 'Toe jam'? A news story I obviously missed about a sex game gone wrong or something like that.

As Ivana sat oblivious in the diary room the remaining housemates were getting the true side of the award prank, themselves having to play their part initially to convince Ivana that the Kugel fresh awards were genuine and then how to destroy Ivanas big day if she was 'Lucky' enough to win. They all had their ideas on how to make it sound real, Dane telling Jonas, 'Tell her you know it's a proper award because ABBA won it once'. Oh yes I forgot, they were huge in business weren't they. But suitably convinced of the existence of the awards she set off to record her acceptance speech, in 3 languages, English, German and Russian. Vinnie offered his help to write the speech, I am not certain but I think her heard Ivana say under her breath 'You must be joking Vinnie, you are still struggling with English', or was that me? He even offered a few fashion tips to the immaculate Ivana but Stephanie reassured her she had made the right choice with black as 'It makes you look 15 pounds lighter', her words, not mine.

I think Ivana is a real dark Thoroughbred in the house, she could win this, she is without a doubt the most natural, the kindest and classiest person in there, plus she has the breeding to actually be worthy of the title 'Celebrity'. Stephanie is a close second as far as celebrity goes and proved tonight either one of two things.
1. She is a great actress, or 2. she has a wonderful sense of humour and a fantastic laugh.

Ivana showed her pleasure at winning the award and also her delight at Martha Stewart 'fuming' about coming second. 'Business is business'. The task though was only half done, it was now up to the housemates to ruin her feeling of triumph and bring her back down to earth with a few bangs. The housemates must now ridicule the trophy saying it's cheap and rubbish, 3 must drink from the 'Vase' and one must smash it. Not too difficult you might think, until Stephanie accidentally prematurely drops it sending sugar glass all over the bedroom floor. Vinnie had a brainwave (It is day 23) and found a big enough piece of glass for them to take a celebratory sip.

After some more award winning acting from Ms Beacham convincing Ivana that she was so sorry for breaking the award everyone was gathered in the lounge to hear BB come clean that the Kugel awards were just another task. Did I hear Ivana tell Stephanie that if she thought she broke the vase on purpose she would kill her? Can't wait til tomorrow now.

So day 23 will stick in the mind as one of the top 3 and this was helped by the last 10 minutes of the show which saw the HM's rewarded for their task completion with their very own awards ceremony. This time the winners would be decided by themselves.

Alex was first to give the award of 'Bitchiest HM' to Stephanie. I would have given that to Vinnie myself. Or maybe even share it with Dane also, they had a little dig at Alex again moaning 'How is Rocky still here'. Nicola came up with a gem tonight when she called Dane a 'Mini Vinnie'.

Alex then voted himself 'Least intelligent' HM and Vinnie doubled it up with the 'Greediest'.

Least famous went to Jonas thanks to that world wide star Dane someone.

Jonas voted 'Most attractive' to Nicola, to be honest if I were her and didn't win that award taking into account the opposition, I would of topped myself', after her plastic surgeon.

'Most famous' went to Vinnie Jones thanks to Ivanas choice which I thought was very generous, perhaps he gave her 'That stare'. For anyone who didn't see BBLB you missed a treat tonight when Brian Belo learnt how to be Vinnie Jones, there was also a preview of the next HM's task in which they had to sculpture Lionel Ritchie's face out of a ball of clay. Rumours are Vinnie Jones refused to take part in it. I find that bizarre, he has been rearranging peoples faces all his life. He can't believe that 'Rocky' Reid is still in there, of course the great Dane lap dog agreed saying how well Jonas and Alex are getting on, 'They can hold hands on their way out tomorrow can't they' gloated Vinnie, I think you'll be meeting up with your pool cleaner sooner than you think Jonesy.

I will leave you with the image of Jonas helping Alex with his fake tan, Nicola decides it needs a woman's touch around the rear and all the HM's 'cracking' up laughing in the background as this brown liquid runs down from his buttocks. Did I mention earlier about a chocolate fountain? Again Nicola had the final word as she reminded Alex not to forget to brown his cock. I bet Jonas got very worried when he heard that.

Day 22

2010-01-25T14:14:00.000-08:00

The housemates had earned an extra 1 hour and 10 minutes in bed this morning, but BB woke them up for a laugh anyway. I wish there had of been something to wake me up during this show. It did perk me up a little bit when Nicola started dancing to Rick Astley in her bed, then Ivana went one better and really went for it round the bedroom floor, go girl.

There was punishment on it's way for Ivana when she drew the short straw and had to be chained to Vinnie for over 6 hours. They hardly spoke which gave Dane and Alex something to giggle about as they were in bondage together. I think Katie might of been having a little laugh at her ex's chained together, sex games rushing through her head no doubt. I thought Dane seemed rather proud of the fact that his sex tape with Katie was the biggest thing on the Internet, well he certainly pees like a horse. Think you might be exaggerating the popularity of the sex films success though Dane. To think now the most popular video ever on youtube is Susan Boyle. I'm glad I wasn't knocked off by Susan Boyle.

Nicola got shackled with Jonas and Stephanie, I did feel sorry for them having no escape from Nicolas joke.

Vinnie dropped his usual bucket load of clangers again tonight which included bragging about paying £400 for a pair of socks, having the power to get Alex out the house within 2 minutes if he wanted, (By this he probably meant he would say one too many insults to Alex and the kick boxer would knock Vinnie out violating rule 6). Alex who is beginning to understand the game, assured Vinnie that he doesn't hit old men. Ivana who didn't want to hear anymore told them both 'Enough of this boxing bullshit'. He then made another faux pas, as in Fo pa Vinnie, explaining to Alex that 'There is no way you can turn the British public around in 3 weeks' Guess what Vinnie, you did it, no one on the outside likes you very much anymore. Proves anythings possible if you put your mind to it, however small.

I think Nicola is getting very frustrated as they enter their 4Th week in the house, as she laid in her bed, hands under the covers she asked Jonas to show her exactly how he would dance to his sexy song lyrics to All I ever wanted. 'Think of all the things we could do, And everyday You're in my head, I want to have you in my bed'. If you really want to hear it and I know you secretly do (It's infectious) click the link below, it's getting into my head now.

www.musicbabylon.com/artist/Basshunter/Now_You039re_Gone/All_I_Ever_Wanted.htm

Did it do it for you also?

The only other highlight of the night was the look on Jonas's face when Dane offered him entry in his 'Special place'. It turned out to be a room with inflatable chairs, video games, a glimpse at what the ladies in the house looked like in their prime, pizza, some nachos and beers. What else could a man want proclaimed Dane. Don't get me started on that one. I would of been taking Nicola or Stephanie in that room with me, forget the Wii, give me the Weyyyyyy.

The best thing to come out of day 22 was Vinnie digging his own unpopularity hole a lot deeper. I feel sorry for everyone that's voted for Vinnie. It has cost them twice as much to vote as they now have to vote for someone who is truly worthy of winning and not an arrogant, obnoxious bully with not a good word to say about anyone. I would love to see Alex knock him out but not in the house, in a ring.

I truly believe it's between 4 (I use this term lightly) 'celebrities' Alex, Dane, Jonas and Nicola. What do you think?