You need to get out/'Stay in more'

Summer is here, at least it was when I had the thought of a new extension to my business which is providing quality entertainment nights in pubs and clubs, something I have been doing for 25 years.

There are over 25 pubs closing every week in the UK and although there isn't just one thing alone responsible for the decline of the great British boozer, price rises, job losses and the smoking ban are the 3 biggest contributors to many landlords calling last orders for the last time.

Supermarkets having already destroyed our local corner shops are now eating their way into our local watering holes with deals offering 48 beers for as little as 16 quid. Having said that, who wants to sit at home alone drinking?

Well it seems more and more of us are doing it, but one of the big things about going to a pub used to be for entertainment, karaoke, a DJ or a live band. That's what i want to bring into your homes.

I have started a business providing this service, with summer coming (And I got a feeling it's going to be a hot one) wire brush the rust off the BBQ, get down the supermarket, stock up on some cheap booze, invite 20 top friends round for a party and give me a call when you know the weather is good and I will come round myself with my karaoke and disco gear, or if you would rather have live music I can draw on my many years in the business and provide you with the perfect act for your party.

I only need a few hours notice and I can be round with all my gear set up and ready to go. I am based in Kent and can work within a 100 mile radius but will of course travel any distance with more warning and a little bit of help with the fuel. All I need is 1 standard 13 amp socket, you get the food and the friends together and leave it up to me to make sure the entertainment is something you don't have to think about, you relax and enjoy the party.

I have a huge selection of both karaoke and disco music ranging from kids stuff through to the 50's up to todays latest hits. Maybe you have a birthday party coming, an anniversary, wedding, or just want a few friends round for a great night in. You can contact me on email markwhitekaraoke@gmail.com or tweet me @karaoke_mark

Tits, wags, paps and tax

It’s approximately a year since the nation and Katie price fell in love with Alex Reid. Katie took it one step further and married him in a secret ceremony in Las Vegas, no photos in Hello or OK magazine of the dress so we can only guess what colour he wore.

13 months down the line and tens of appearances on the red carpets of the world it’s sadly all over again for Katie, the final straw being when Alex sold some photos of him playing with one of her kids from her previous farce. The fact I am writing about this shows how hot this topic is, on the other hand it's the main reason for me dedicating an hour of my time to this subject as I endeavour to highlight all what I think is wrong with society today, contradictory? Maybe.

Are we teaching our kids to grow up with the ambitions of marrying a premiership footballer, or a glamour model? Or what about an alcohol and drug abusing pop star who we can love through a Perspex screen during jail visits. I could never date a famous person, I want to know and love a person in the privacy of our own minds, get to know her by spending quality time alone, not read about it in the daily red tops or the inevitable autobiography.

I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business whether they stay together or not, or the reasons why they are parting. Part of me feels Alex has got everything he desired out of this relationship, fame. I would love to believe that he truly believed he found his princess and planned to live happily ever after but as romantic as I am my rose tinted glasses are steamed up with anger and my intelligence is insulted for the last time where celebrity marriages are concerned.

It seems the vast chasm between the relative normality of my life and that place inhabited by those in ‘Celebritydom’ is growing with every flash of the paparazzi’s cameras.

In my school girls discussed their ambitions to obtain G.C.S.E.s and a place in university, now hopes and dreams seem to hinge on obtaining the qualification of WAG and getting wasted on Tequila slammers, hoisting their skirts up taking their knickers down and if they don’t manage to make it onto TV there is always youtube for that 15 minutes of shame that you will regret when you marry Frank Lampard or Wayne Rooney and you end up in The News of the world for your teenage exploits.

You will make a wonderful couple, a perfect match. No problem, you can hire a PR mogul such as Max Clifford, he can make an X Factor singers Grandmother seem an attractive proposition to the media as well as a dribbling Manchester United striker.

Maybe next time you’re walking through the turnstiles at Old Trafford after paying 25% tax on your £300 a week job you might like to bare in mind you are not only paying to watch these non achievers, you are actually paying an additional 23% tax that your heroes are avoiding because of a hole left in the law by idiotic politicians and exploited by your children’s prostitute shagging role models.

If only we could put as much time and effort into our own lives as we spend sticking our noses into others we could all realise our true potential, instead we waste time every day reading and in my case writing about people that only care about themselves and their own desire for fame and fortune.

Stop buying tabloid papers and starve the fame seekers of their craving for attention. Unfollow those celebrities on twitter that never reply, don’t feed their egos, non celebs are so much more interesting because they actually care what you say and they will talk back to you also and it won’t be about themselves. There is so much talent hidden within those people you know nothing about and they will help bring out yours also.

We all have a story to tell about the day a celebrity replied to a tweet, but we need to do something not many celebrities are capable of, look a little deeper, widen your search for entertainment and fulfilment, you will find more talent in people who have a far less famous name. Celebrities are not the same as us; the air they breathe to keep them alive is generated by the sight of their picture in the glossy magazine or tomorrow’s sushi and French fries paper, in the sound of the applause or the 30,000 daily tweets.

Two of the greatest sayings I have ever heard are “Don’t have heroes, be one” and “If you carry on doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”.

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With its optimised antennae, the Ecoblue Booster reaches even further than the Ecoblue standard alone!

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For further information and to arrange a demonstration call Mark White 07502223783

Wee are the champions

Japanese gents get the chance to control four new titles with their wee. It's new hardware, but possibly not as you expected it. Former platform holder Sega has launched a new range of machines in Japan… that attach to male urinals.

Wired reports that the new devices, called 'Toylets', have been rolled out for testing at a number of locations in Tokyo. Each basin is installed with a pressure sensor and LCD screen. The games are controlled both by the strength and direction of the user's wee.

Between sessions the screen is able to display advertising. Four titles are include din the trial version of Toylet - 'Mannekin Pis' (try and wee as hard as you can), 'Graffiti Eraser' (remove paint by weeing on every part of the picture), 'Milk from Nose' (wee harder than the bloke before you and the on-screen character sprays more milk out of his nose!) and 'The North Wind and Her' (wee harder to increase the strength of the wind and try and blow a girl's skirt up) Or, the realistic one where George Michael appears in the toilet and he blows you as hard as he can.

Should user's feel inclined they are able to use a USB stick to save their game data. What a thought. I can see an all new meaning to the term 'Computer virus'.

What I can't understand is why Wii didn't come up with this.

The News at Net from NIT

Severe fear of flying

A cricket fan cycled from England to Australia in time for the first Ashes Test to raise money for charity. Oli Broom, 29, arrived in the Gabba ground in Brisbane on the day the first test opened after nearly 14 months of pedalling.

England captain Andrew Strauss presented the cyclist with a signed shirt as a reward for his effort. All that way and all he gets is an England shirt? He left Lords cricket ground on the 10th of October last year with 17 friends, they gave up when they reached the South Coast, obviously he was the only one with the Godly gift of cycling on water. I never get that when people say they ran round the world, no you didn't. It's like a round the world yachts person taking a plane, or a boat, well a bigger one. The thrashing of England starts today.

Vee are not amused
German home-owners who have opted out of Google's Street View appear to have been targeted by vandals. Properties in Essen which have chosen to be blurred on the service have been pelted with eggs, flour and milk, the houses also had notices reading "Google's cool" pinned to their door, one resident said "They have taken a right battering" (Don't be silly, it's in Germany.)

Street View is only now being used across Germany after the German government insisted citizens have the option to opt out. Almost 250,000 Germans requested that Google blur pictures of their homes, before the service went live.

Google said the company respected people's right to privacy and described the vandalism as a one-off incident. Was that a 250,000 off incident? "We respect people's right to remove their house from Street View and by no means consider this to be acceptable behaviour," the spokesperson added.

Since going live in Germany, the service has captured a series of bizarre events, including a naked man climbing into the boot of his car on the driveway of a house in Mannheim, south-west Germany. Another camera appeared to capture the birth of a baby on a street in a Berlin suburb. I guess that will end up on youfallopiantube.

No sex but plenty of rock and roll

Pranksters tricked a motel guest into smashing up his room in a search for hidden cameras and a trapped dwarf. The 73-year-old man wrecked the television, mirrors, the toilet and a wall before realising he had been duped.

Joseph Jones was staying at a Motel 6 in Spartanburg, South Carolina, when he received a late night telephone call from someone claiming to be the motel manager and asked Mr Jones to help him get rid of highly sophisticated cameras installed by the previous guest.

He told the pensioner to unplug the television and use the toilet seat to smash it open. When the TV didn't break he was told to throw it out of the window. The caller then said more cameras were hidden behind the mirrors and ordered Mr Jones to smash them with a spanner he found in his room.

They then claimed a 4ft 3ins midget was barricaded in the next room and asked him to try to break through the internal wall to help police free him. Paul Daniels? He managed to break through to the next room before his rampage of destruction was ended following complaints from other motel guests.

Police said the incident was similar to a number of similar pranks played on hotel and motel guests throughout the US. A Motel spokesman said: "We are grateful that, although the room and its contents suffered damage, none of our guests or team members were injured as a result of this incident."

No charges were filed against the old man but he has been offered a roadies job on a forthcoming Rolling Stones tour.

And finally......

An Essex pensioner has lost his life savings of £80,000 after leaving it on the roof of his car and driving off. I know how he feels, I did that with a mobile phone a few years ago. No I didn't get it back, it was a right off, as was the car behind it hit.

The 68 year old who never trusted banks has spent his entire working life saving £2,000 a year requested to remain anonymous. Check out The Sun newspaper tomorrow for name, address and all information on past girlfriends.

I Heart radio

Radio has been the love of my life since the days of Dave Lee Travis, Mike Read (First time round) and Steve Wright in the afternoon. I had always thought to myself I could do that. I made my demo and delivered it to radio 1 and every local radio station within a distance that a full tank of petrol in my Yamaha FS1E would take me.

It became apparent very quickly that this was an industry that was going to be very difficult to get into. People suggested hospital radio as the place to start and I spent the next year or so in and out of them fixing bones broken on aforementioned ‘Fizzy’ on the wrong side of the microphone.

I finally got my lucky break in local radio 1500 miles away in Tallinn where my talent was at long last spotted and then spent 2 years presenting the breakfast show on Energy FM 93.2. It was for the largest radio group in Estonia which owned the top 5 stations, I had arrived. The idols I had grown up with shaped my presenting and choice of content which to some extent was quite a change from the old style presenting in the more serious, politically correct shows the Baltic’s had experienced previously. Prank calls and making fun of famous celebrities was not the done thing in this shy, relatively recently communist controlled liberated part of Eastern Europe.

I had fed the bug that had been implanted in my brain since the age of 14. Having to leave Estonia was at the time a very difficult decision to make, I had it all, a job in radio, a little bit of fame which I think most people have craved at some stage in their lives, I was doing what I loved and getting paid for it. It didn’t take long after arriving back in the UK before I felt there was something missing in my life, no longer did I shoot out of bed at first light, I wasn’t interested in news anymore, I didn’t even take an interest in music. My life had come to a boring, uneventful premature end.

Then I found twitter, I could actually talk to people that were on radio in the greatest country for media in the world. Chris Moyles is on there, you can actually send him and many other stars a message and hope for a reply. Don't hold your breath waiiting for one from Moyles though, he has his head too far up the place I think his microphone belongs. Chris Evans the radio and TV God of the 90’s is a regular too along with more of my idols from my formative years, people that made me what I am today.

Then one day I met a guy at an event organised through twitter by the Eastenders star Adam Woodyatt (Ian Beale). It was the Aid for Haiti appeal, I was lucky enough to win the auction prize to spend the morning with Ed and Rachel on the Heart FM breakfast show in Birmingham. I had always wanted to see how ‘Real radio’ works in a ‘Real country’. Britain in my mind is the home of radio, where it all started and here was my chance to finally get behind the scenes of a proper station and watch how what I have listened to for so many hours is actually made.

On the morning of November the 18th 2010 at 7 am I walked into a real radio studio with walls of TV’s and computer screens, producers and real presenters, everything was nothing like I had imagined it. There was a script (Sort of) precision timings to meet time slots guaranteed to advertisers, news on the half hour read by a real news reader. That may sound a strange thing to say but she was the stereotypical voice of the news bulletin, I didn’t want to tell her to her face but she sounded like every female radio newsreader I have ever heard, but there she was sitting opposite me, word perfect with her cleverly self written, slightly different phrased twice hourly delivery, top job Mel.

Photo above right: Ed James, Producer Steph, Rachel and head producer Kelly (with child)

Ed James has been laughing and smiling as he talks, (A must for any budding presenters reading this} still sounds as enthusiastic as I’m sure he did 8 years ago. Rachel sits eating her rice crispies scrolling through the hundreds of texts like a pearl diver prising open oysters, “Yes here’s a good one” I hear in amongst the snap crackle and pop, “let’s call this one”. I was surprised to learn that all calls are now recorded before they go to air, it’s not even the fact that someone might say something untoward for 8am in the morning, it’s more important that they sound interesting. It proved to me that my time in Estonia on radio had been raw, slightly cavemanish from a technical point of view, we would whack them straight on air and to hell with the consequences. But in civilised society where advertisers mean the very existence of commercial radio stations, it’s the companies spending their diminishing promotion budgets that are pulling the strings, or sliding the faders up and down as the case maybe.

I was totally blown away by the importance of one particular member of the team from Heart breakfast, an unsung hero whose position up until today I thought was just another job title given to someone who never quite had the talent to be a presenter, a bit like a Doctor that ended up as a vet. I couldn’t be more wrong, she was the person bringing it all together like a jigsaw puzzle without the picture. If I was in a potentially life threatening situation I would want Steph the producer in charge of reviving my heart to make sure it beat at exactly the right pace.

If I had to name one illusion that has been slightly shattered by visiting the Heart FM studio it would be how clinical it all seemed, you have to play 8 songs an hour, the news must be on time and most importantly the people that pay for our entertainment, the companies purchasing those valuable seconds in the hope we will all buy loads more stuff than we actually need or others want. There’s a new subject for tomorrows phone in.

I would sincerely like to thank Ed and Rachel, Steph and Kelly the producers and last but by no means least, the assistant producer Matt who makes sure that all those people calling in with a story to tell, or an answer to the question that might just lead to them going to meet Michael Bublé in New York no less, without him none of it would be possible either. He also works the heart website www.heart.co.uk/westmids where you can listen to the weekly podcast he somehow manages to squeeze into an already bulging schedule. Who said men can't multi task.

I learned one very important thing today, radio is not about Chris Moyles, Chris Evans, or Ed James, it’s about a group of people that all contribute individual skills that gel together into that magical media that is radio.

My heart belongs to media and the chance, along with a great team behind me, to reach that special place in the early morning listener’s homes, cars and workplace. I hope one day I can put my heart where my home is, radio.

I'm not a celebrity get me in there

Ever since I knew the line up for this years 'I'm a celebrity get me out of here' I was salivating at the prospects of a great jungle frolic this year.

Unfortunately after just one episode I am foaming at the mouth in anger and disappointment at all but one of the contestants. I watched the show as I do most programmes now with one eye on twitter to see if I am the only one incensed by what seems a lack of personality. Don't the words Celebrity and personality go hand in hand? Even Ant and Dec were below par and it took a little over a minute for the first lunch box gag to come out. That is sooooo 90's and if anything a little derogatory to Linford Christie to be remembered for little else (or should I say big) other than being blessed with a javelin stuffed down his lycra. Could explain why he was so crap at hurdles and opted for the hundred metres instead. Poor little old Colin Jackson hey.

Back to the jungle, why in Tarzans name would you ask a nutritionist who is afraid of insects to go into the jungle. Yes I know producers probably thought it might just make good TV but screamed "GET ME OUT OF HERE" at the first attempted bush tucker trial. Producers, please let her out of there. I had high hopes for Shaun Ryder but it looks as if he has about as much personality as a turd on Gillian's inspection table. Lembit Opik is even more annoying than he was when he was a politician, now incidentally he is a comedian, so no real career change there then. The only good thing about him being in there is the fact that he annoys Nigel Havers even more than us viewers.

Britt Ekland (Well at least the 20% real bits of her left) seems to be an OK person, a bit like Kim Woodworm from last year, perhaps her and Nigel Havers might hit it off, if not it's someone to do the laundry while you're away from the Mrs. Sheryl Gascoigne? What's that all about, what has she done except been beaten up by an alcoholic husband. More appropriate deserving candidates down the women's rescue centre on a Sunday morning I would of thought. Don't get me started on Aggro. Loved Kayla line about what her Mum taught her about having to eat something you don't like, "Put it in your mouth, chew it and swallow it like a pill". Are you sure that wasn't Hugh Hefners advice?

The true star of show one was without doubt Stacey Solomon, what you see is always what you get, a natural likable down to earth girl with a true zest for life and try anything attitude. I must say it she had a busy first day which included eating a penis smaller than Aggros, sat on a chopper and had a jump with a guy from behind. She more than made up for all the other boring jungle mates, let's give them the benefit of the doubt for day 1 of 21 and put it down to nerves. Go Stacey, go Stacey, I mean, stay Stacey.

News at Net from NIT

Education has clearly failed

Today I have seen the best and the worst of Britain. On my way to meet my girlfriend for lunch in Victoria I noticed an unusual amount of students, I knew it wasn't half term so why the crowds? Perhaps they had all heard about the 3 for 2 deal on Right Guard at Boots, nahhh. Then I saw the placards, I think there was one actually spelt correctly. They were on their way to protest about the hike in education fees, they would have less money for lager and pot noodles and my only worry, even less to spend on personal hygiene.

It didn't take long for them to live up to our expectations and conduct themselves with their usual disregard for anyone else other than themselves. You are the scum of Britain.

Some, as I am sure you have seen on TV were throwing rocks from the top of Tory headquarters, they have cost you and I hundreds of thousands of pounds in taxes for the clean up and repair. Maybe that cost should be added onto the increase in fees also. It wont end there of course as we waste even more money on legal fees for top lawyers to try and defend them and give mitigating circumstances for their atrocious actions.


What a fiasco, the police should have got the water canons out and given them a bloody good wash, two birds with one stone. Then instead of taking them to a nice warm cell where they will be fed and watered (Sparkling of course,) take them to Trafalgar square, put them one by one up on the plinth and stone the little fuckers.


Then on the flip side to this, the Pride of Britain awards provided a proud and moving interval from the blanket news coverage of thugs destroying our city to those that have dedicated their lives to helping others.

Amazing survivors including the woman who has endured a life time of operations which have meant her having a completely new set of organs, who wasn't moved to tears when they wheeled on the guy whose life she had saved by donating her heart. Yes I was confused also, but it's true. The incredible courage shown by David Rathband, the policeman blinded by crazy gunman Raoul Moat and children that have rescued their seniors from what seemed impossible life threatening situations.



I suggest after their stoning, each student responsible for the appalling scenes in London are made to sit and watch the awards ceremony and made to spend the rest of their academic years looking after and doing community work for all of those incredible examples of what is still Great in Britain today.



On the lighter side.....


The car now standing on platform 3 is the 6-05 from
the Rose and crown

A drunk driver who mistook a train platform's disabled ramp for a car park entrance sent commuters running for safety in Switzerland.

Gerald Bacher is believed to have been three times over the drink drive limit when he plunged over the platform edge onto the tracks stranding hundreds of travellers for five hours.

"He was looking for the car park and took a very wrong turn. It was 6am and God knows how he managed to be so drunk so early in the morning," said one commuter.
Police say a 67-year-old man is being interviewed over motoring offences. The police are the same the world over, why don't they just say "We got the drunken old sod?" Great excuse for the rail company to explain away delays, beats leaves on the line i suppose.

Prisons to install sunbeds

A Russian prison is to install sunbeds and mud baths to improve the health of its inmates.

Sergei Telyatnikov, head of Moscow's Butyrka remand prison, said inmates would also be allowed to use Skype to make voice and video calls to relatives. I can imagine this going very wrong.
He said ultrasound systems would also be used to give prisoners health checks. Russia's prisons have been criticised as being overcrowded and badly managed with poor medical facilities.

Mr Telyatnikov went on to say, "We are developing additional medical services... and even sunbeds will be put in place." Bunk sunbeds?

And finally.....What Carol Vorderman wore as host of the pride of Britain awards was obscene and totally out of place at an event like that. It wasn't about you Vorderman, your tits or your dress designer. Perhaps she was under the impression POB stood for Porn of Britain awards. Carol I will have 2 large ones from the top please.

Mark turning on Olly Murs

Thanks to Ed and Rachel for getting me at it on Heart Breakfast on Monday morning when Olly Murs stopped by the studio on his way to turning on the Christmas lights at Merry hill's shopping centre.

Ed and Rachel came up with the idea of getting some listeners to call in and make some strange noises over the phone by turning on various appliances to see if he could guess the racket.

Well after Ed posted a message for volunteers on twitter I couldn't hold myself back and decided to get my blender out. Click here to find out what happened http://chirb.it/b044g4


I will be a guest on Heart FM breakfast with Ed and Rachel next Thursday from 7am http://www.heart.co.uk/

The News at Net from NIT

A woman buying fruit and vegetables was overcharged because the shop assistant's breasts were resting on the scales. A spokesman for the Co-operative in the channel islands said "The assistant's seat had been too low and this had caused the shopper to be accidentally charged an extra £5, which had now been refunded. Finally an answer to the age old question 'How many you actually get to the pound'.

Cannabis scratch 'n' sniff cards handed out

About 30,000 Dutch households are to receive marijuana scratch cards to help them tell if their neighbours are growing the drug.

Authorities in Rotterdam and The Hague are distributing the cards to help people recognise what cannabis smells like. The cards also include a number to call to report suspected illegal marijuana growing. Dutch authorities turn a blind eye to citizens growing up to five marijuana plants for personal use, but they want to crack down on the estimated 40,000 bulk plantations hidden away in attics, apartments and warehouses in the Netherlands.

"Citizens must be alerted to the dangers they face as a result of these plantations, and if they become aware of any suspect situations they must report them," said spokesman Arnie Loos.
The green scratch card, measuring 8in by 4in (King size Rizla dimensions) reads "Assist in combating cannabis plantations." A whole new meaning to winning the jack pot on a scratchcard.

When scratched, the card reveals the aroma as well as a police number people can call if they suspect that a neighbour is growing marijuana on a large scale. Dutch authorities say the plantations are a hazard which can cause fires or accidents because of the cables and lamps needed to maintain a cultivation temperature of 27C.

Great, thanks for the horticulture lesson, I'm off to B&Q to pick up an extension lead.

Isn't it Ironik, don't you think?

Rapper and anti-knife campaigner DJ Ironik has been stabbed in the bottom(They must of been short) by muggers who robbed him of his jewellery. The 22-year-old was attacked by two men in hoodies in the early hours attack in Highgate, north London. He received a knife wound to the buttock during the attack and was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment according to a police spokesperson.

The rapper, real name James Charters, was returning from a gig in Essex at the time of the incident. He thanked fans for their support following the attack via Twitter, "It could of been much worse so thank God it weren't and I'm just resting and recovering."

After attacking Ironik, the pair - who were wearing dark clothes including hooded tops fled with jewellery belonging to the rapper. Police said all but one of the stolen items was later recovered. That just leaves his knife then.

Britain in a state of nanny

A shop assistant refused to let a six-year-old girl help her mum buy Christmas crackers because it's illegal to sell 'explosives' to children. The cashier told Lisa Innes, 36, that he couldn't take the box from her daughter Tia-Rose for scanning at the till because of the 'snap' in the crackers. Since when did crackers actually start working?

This is the latest ridiculous rule intended to wrap us up even tighter in cotton wool. I heard a story the other day of plans to fence of trees in parks to stop children climbing them in case they fall and hurt themselves. I loved playing in trees when i was a kid and it never did me any harm and it never did me any harm and it never did me any harm. Yeah it's so much better to keep them inside on their playstations shooting and killing.

Other victims of ridiculous rule enforcement include a woman who was asked for proof she owned a TV license when purchasing a DVD player and a disabled woman who filled her car up with petrol then sent her son into pay for it but was told "It's against the rules as the boy was only 16."

I guess they will stop the scouts from packing our shopping next, surely it is also illegal for children to handle alcohol, cigarettes and the aforementioned Christmas crackers at a supermarket checkout.

13, Unlucky for dim sum

A Chinese man is recovering after he was impaled by an astonishing 13 metal rods in an accident at a concrete factory.

Wang Tao from Xian, western China, had been making steel reinforced concrete blocks for the building trade when a mold exploded sending the rods into his thigh and hip. Some of the rods were so long that workmates had to cut them off with an angle grinder so Tao could fit into the ambulance. But now after a four hour operation he says he can't wait to get back to work. "It stung a bit at the time but I was so shocked I didn't feel much, I'm told I'll make a full recovery and I can't wait to get back and laugh about this with my mates." I reckon he feels reinforced with new vigor after his acupuncture.

You plonker lodney.

And finally...Stoke city boss Tony Pulis has come up with what on the surface seems quite a good idea. After a string of bad results largely due to poor refereeing decisions, Pulis is suggesting a propersition that would see referees monitered and given points for their performance in a weekly league table that would result in the bottom referees being relegated to the lower division the following season.

A good idea you might think at first, unfotunately for Pulis it is highly probable that his side will be in that lower division next season also.

Vote with your remote

Last nights X Factor was a complete farce. When will us British learn that no one gives a damn about what we vote for or want. We voted for a good leader and get 2 idiots, last night millions used their telephones to get their favourite through to the last nine in X factor and it all came down to Cheryl Cole's inability to do her job which culminated in the wrong person being sent home.

"I refuse point blank to send any of my girls home" she said, OK, thanks for that Cheryl, you are not needed anymore either, bye bye. Whoever is voting just stop it, vote with your remote not your phones because the only winners are the people behind the programme.

If I were Treyc I would be livid this morning, I would be straight on the phone to Cowell demanding the dismissal of Cole. What happened last night, they went to the wrong judge second as they should leave the judge with an interest in the act up for eviction until last. The vote is still unfinished, the vote was 2 to 1 which means there is still one to come. The X Factor is contrived, or in layman's terms, takes the piss out of us viewers. On the night it was announced that Cheryl Cole's new album went to number 1 I think it was a disgraceful performance once again behind a microphone.

All that said, we can't trust the judges or ourselves anymore, why are people voting for Wagner? It seems Facebook has even more power than Cowell which is saying something, why are people joining campaigns to keep Wagner in who definitely can't sing, to be honest he can't even talk.

I think one thing wrong with Britain today is the lack of our will to fight for what is right. I was genuinely angry at what transpired in front of my eyes last night, but i was even more amazed at the real victim of last nights judging fiasco Treyc Cohen. On This Morning she told Holly and Phillip "I think everything happens for a reason, I'm not angry at what happened". What is wrong with you girl, you are a fighter, you got this far 2 years ago and you just want to let it all slip away, you were beaten by a girl who broke down on stage, literally fell on her arse and forgot her words. Yes it happened for a reason, the judges know full well that controversy puts bums on sofas and we fall for it every time.

Cowell and Cole you should be ashamed of yourselves, get a grip of the show or suffer the wrath and rage against the Xfactor machine that destroyed your number 1 ambitions last Christmas.

Just for you Simon and Cheryl;

Judge: noun: a public official authorized to decide questions bought before a court of justice
noun: an authority who is able to estimate worth or quality
verb: put on trial or hear a case and sit as the judge at the trial of.

The one show man with the sex teXt factor

Forgive me for revisiting old subjects, but it seems there is no end to the naive, idiotic, lying cheating celebrities that somehow believe that they can trust ANY woman to keep their secret safe.

My first gut reaction in situations like this is 'You bloody idiot'. As if a person in the media spotlight wont be a target for the 'Kiss and tell trap'. Listen, I am a man of the world, I understand a mans needs, I appreciate that what a man wants he 'Needs it now' and that other little person within us takes over, grows into a bigger person and that's when the dick head rules the head head. I am not saying I sympathise with Manford, but I do understand. It's late, you have just done a gig, hundreds of people have come to see you, applauded you and worshipped you basically.

It's 2 am, what are you going to do, you are still buzzing, the high you are experiencing is unequalled by anything, well almost anything. Speaking from experience I have felt those emotions, miles from home and those I love, the applause and laughter is over, the testosterone is racing round your body, the wife is sleeping or smelling of baby sick, or maybe even pregnant and not looking her best, well guess what Mr Manford, you chose it all, it's your fault. You also chose to listen to the dick head between your legs and for some bizarre unfathomable reason you got excited and did a bit of stand up to an audience of one ugly, fat, gold digging, fame hungry tweeter. there are some similarities between you and Debra Mc Money, oops sorry McNamee

This is so typical of the thinking celebrities have today, they want the money, the fame and the recognition, but, not the intrusive side which comes with it. You don't need to look in a dictionary to know that if you did look up the definition of 'Celebrity' somewhere in there it would say; Celebrity: Someone in the public eye that wants to make lots of money, be recognised by paparazzi (When it suits them) seeks attention from tabloid newspapers but isn't always happy when they get it. They are paid millions of pounds to do a job they are ill qualified to do other than the fact they are a celebrity. You put your face in the centre of the media target and there will always be people with a quiver full of arrows aiming straight for your Japseye. (Photo: Cheryl Tweedy was a victim of text sex)

The press in this country will do everything to build you up and then knock you down again, it's a two way win for them, they sell papers when you are good but even more when you turn bad. Trouble is we love to stick our noses in other peoples business, we always have, it's just that when that someone else is a celebrity, the bigger, longer and harder the fall. They all love to read and believe their own press when it's good, then grovel to those that once meant so much to them when it all goes wrong. We have to accept there will always be the fame hungry and those hungry for the famous.

Jason joins others such as Vernon Kay, Ashley Tweedy and even Wayne Rooney technically in the hall of celebrity shame. OK Rooney actually had proper sex with a prostitute, whereas Jason Manford didn't hand over any money as far as we know, just as well as it turned out to be a self service hand job anyway. Either way you look at it, she was prostituting herself knowing her payment wouldn't be left on the bedside table but posted through her letter box by way of a cheque from whichever tabloid she chose to contact.

I don't expect all celebrities to be squeaky clean, but I do expect them to be punished for their infidelties, if not by their partners then by the people that pay their wages. 2.5 million pounds of license fee payers money to present a half hour show a few nights a week? His behaviour is not that of a family show presenter, he should be fired from the One show, but we all know he wont be. While they are at it sack that sorry excuse for a presenter Alex, are there no presenters with an English accent looking for work? I am more than willing to step into her shoes and dress if need be, but please Jason, Tweet me with respect.

Masterscouse

Wow, what a series, I feel stuffed, full of nerves and am still sweating more than 12 hours after hearing Michel Roux Jr pronounce Claire Lara Masterchef Professional champion of 2010.

Losing finalists David Coulson and John Calton were incredible, hardly losers as I am sure there will be restaurants dangling unpeeled carrots with the little leaves still attached in front of them. I really felt for David, I thought he had done enough to win to be honest, David if you read this I want you to know I want to 'Shake' you by the hand and thank you for providing excellent entertainment through every course of the series, you made me salivate and cry.

But it was Claire the college tutor from Liverpool that proved too good for the boys and with one eye on twitter at the same time it seemed almost everyone thought Claire was favourite to lift the title also, but David was the one the majority were all rooting for.

I'm sure there are a lot of people that were miffed John even made it through to the final, he was constantly running over the time allowed top prepare his dishes while those who could manage their time better were sent home early. Highlights for me were the absence of John Terode, his replacement the very suave and real nice guy Michel Roux Jr and his number 2 Monica Galletti. If Greg is going to stay on as a judge can the BBC send him to cutlery handling school before the next series, it's like watching someone feed a baby, I'm sure I heard little choof choof train noises as the food was sent into his tunnel.


Some of the tasks they are set would have me questioning the validity of the requests sometime. If I was asked to descale 30 mullet then put scales back on them I would be looking over my shoulder waiting for Jeremy Beadle, the things these chefs put themselves through is astounding, they have dedication by the bucket full. I would love to ask them why? Why would they want to slave away in a kitchen under extreme pressure for hours and days on end to have your efforts pulled to pieces by customers in a restaurant that all of a sudden become experts on seasoning and over cooked fish the minute they walk through your door.


At the end of the day does it really matter, I don't care what my food looks like to be honest within reason, I don't want chefs sweating like a race horse dripping it all over my plate, touching my food replacing it to the millimetre or gluing my shortbread down with a bit of jam, just get the food in front of me while it's still hot.


And finally, I hardly think Michelin are a very good name to be associated with such small portions on a plate, I think Victoria Beckham stars would be a more accurate description