X Why Z z z Factor

It was another frustrating weekend not only for those that can sing but for all of us watching who can sing better than Wagner. I asked the question last week and as yet have not had an answer, who is voting for Wagner? In these hard times of recession it seems there are still many thousands of people who are throwing their money away on a ‘Joke vote’. Even Robbie Williams has joined in with his support for the Brazilian saying “He is good for the competition; he is doing what Stavros Flatley did on Britain’s got talent”. No he isn’t Robbie, he can’t even dance, he can’t sing or speak English.

It was good to finally see the back of Belle Amie, Cowell can now concentrate (If he wasn’t already) on One Direction. We haven’t seen the last of the Wannabe Spice girls as Geri Halliwell has expressed an interest in managing them, yeah go old woman power.

Best performance of the week must go to Jay K as he showed he is a pretty good judge of judges when he said Danni and Cheryl are not capable of judging talent, although on the subject of shagging he does think Cheryl is worth it. It is sad that the judges don’t utilize honesty in the same way. The Louis Walsh record is still stuck on “Wagner is what the X Factor is all about”. NO he isn’t Louis, he is everything it isn’t about, he can’t sing, has no seX appeal and is depriving others with more talent than he has from having a fair crack of the whip. The X factor (As far as I am aware) is about finding a pop star, a recording artist who will sell millions of albums and make Simon Cowell even richer. That is what it’s about Louis. Where does Wagner and Mary figure in that? Yes Mary can sing but be honest she isn’t a pop star, yes she does have the X factor but unfortunately there is an L after it.

Aiden is so predictable and I am convinced if he manages to stay in a few more weeks we will actually witness a breakdown live on TV, someone please put him out of his obvious misery and either just shoot him or give him a modelling contract, that guys intensity was the scariest part of my Halloween night. Katie Worzel Waissel was a close second, I don’t think she will survive the wrath of the public for much longer, Brits are like a bulldogs grip, once the teeth are in they won’t let go.

Cher is losing her spell over me, the quirky strange 17 year old does have something but she is not ready yet. She is a child, to thrust her into a life of alcohol even before her 18 th birthday would be wrong, having said that, she is old enough for sex, she has the rock and roll in her blood, just needs an injection of drugs and she is good to go, and, as we now know it is safer to have a shot in the arm than a shot of tequila.

Rebecca will always work as a recording artist, I can see her album adorning the shelves of every wine bar like Sade’s did back in the 90’s. Paije will have his little niché in the competitive market of soul singers, Matt Cardle I am still not sure about, yes he is good but he is no Jon Bon Jovi, I honestly can’t see where he is going to fit in, he isn’t even quite pretty enough to join Aiden on the catwalk.

I truly believe there is only one direction this year’s competition is heading and my tip for next week’s bottom two is Katie and Treyc.

'Februhairy’ soon to grow on Estonia (A story about Mark White written for The Baltic Times)

TALLINN - The moustache has had a long and conflicted history. It has dipped in and out of public favor, resting on the upper lip of kings and tyrants alike. From Stalin and Hitler to Burt Reynolds and Salvador Dali, a moustache has always made a bold public statement and has, for better or worse, made an impact on society. Now it is helping to prevent cancer.

Next month has been dubbed “Februhairy” in Estonia, thanks to a project organized by Mark White, a DJ at Energy FM 93.2 in Tallinn. During Februhairy men are encouraged to grow a moustache for the month and participate in a wide array of events aimed at awareness and prevention of testicular cancer. “This is meant to be fun, to promote awareness in an exciting way and at the same time be educating guys about preventing the cancer,” said White, “There are simple ways to avoid getting it, and then rather than have to worry about curing it men can focus on prevention which is actually cheaper.” Contests, prizes and concerts will supplement this first annual Februhairy and all collected funds will be donated towards the purchase of a new machine – valued at 500,000 kroons – for detecting testicular cancer. Februhairy will actually kick off on the last day of January, when participating men are expected to shave their faces clean of any existing facial hair or stubble. They are then asked to take a picture of themselves and to send it into the Energy Radio Web site, where it will be posted alongside those of other participants.

There will be an opportunity to take progressive pictures at a wide number of events held over the course of the month. In addition to comparing the follicle developments, these pictures serve as tokens of participation and increase chances for winning large prizes at the final momentous Februhairy event. Events and competitions will be held almost every day for the entire month, along with additional opportunities and bonuses for men growing their ‘staches. One of these competitions is called “Has X Got the Balls for It?” and will be broadcast daily during the Energy FM morning show. Recorded in a bowling alley, one of the DJs will let loose a bowling ball and listeners will call in to guess the number of pins knocked down. Whoever comes closest to the actual number will win free bowling for two.

The morning show will also feature a top Estonian doctor specializing in testicular cancer to discuss the issue and the importance of spreading awareness of the problem. A special clinic will be set up by the doctor to check for testicular cancer and to teach how to check for signs of the disease. A charity football match will take place in Februhairy matching up Energy FM listeners and the Tallinn Team Nomme Kalju, again with all proceeds going towards the testicular cancer apparatus. Many of the planned events allow men and their moustaches to get out and take advantage of Tallinn night life. A karaoke night will take place at an Old Town bar one night, and a small fee for singing will be donated towards the cancer checking machine. Men with moustaches will be allowed free entry to Hollywood Club one night of the week, and White hopes to set up a testicle checking clinic in the VIP room (then standing for “Very Important Pair”).

The month-long series of events will be capped off with a final bash featuring a live show by Estonian rocker Tanel Padar, who may also work on growing his own facial soup-strainer during Februhairy. The concert may feature a special performance of “Welcome to Hair-stonia” and an acoustic set in Club Seduction. In an eloquent show of support for the cause, Padar confirmed his involvement by saying “Anything for the balls.” Several prizes will be given out at this wrap-up party. In addition to items won for participation in events, a competition will be held for various types of moustaches and their degrees of repulsiveness or attraction. Several large companies have agreed to donate sizeable packages for the cause. These include use of a Land Rover Discovery for a weekend in Finland’s off road course, a home entertainment system, a paintball weekend for two, fleeces and other merchandise.

Discounts will be given to men wearing moustaches at several local bars and restaurants that display a Februhairy poster in their windows. Maintenance of the majestic facial hair will be available from a special hairdresser at the radio, providing trimming and styling services. White developed the idea for Februhairy in Estonia after speaking with some Australian friends and expressing his wish to put some effort into charity and contribute to a good cause. The Australians told him about the growing popularity of “Mowvember,” held in November in five Commonwealth countries. A moustache is termed a “mow” in Australia, and the month follows the same principles of growing a moustache and spreading awareness of testicular cancer prevention.

The main point of the project organized by White is to have fun and contribute to a little-recognized and worthy cause. He said that statistics show men often ignore this problem, although each year as many men die from testicular cancer as women die from breast cancer. White is in a prime position to champion the cause, given that the main demography listening to his morning show is men aged 17 - 35. This is also the age group at highest risk of developing testicular cancer. Women are not fully excluded from Februhairy although they commonly lack facial hair. The Australian version promotes “Mowsisters” who show their support by wearing fake moustaches and attend events in support of the guys. Cancer is a problem which bridges the gender gap in threatening important parts of the body. The moustache is a perfect tool to spread awareness for this cause throughout Februhairy. White said that having a moustache makes a visual statement, and can provoke conversation about the reason for the wearer sporting the new look. It is also a good symbol of health, opposite to the loss of hair which occurs when a patient is undergoing radiation therapy during cancer treatment.

White also points out that this type of social and enjoyable approach to a depressing subject is becoming trendier and more youthful. “It used to just be an old lady on the corner shaking a can to get coins for research. We don’t need to dwell on the fact that cancer is a dreadful thing. We all know that. It will always be that. What’s important is to not be negative but to make it fun and at the same time make people aware,” said White. More information about participating in Februhairy can be found at www.energyfm.ee.

Is the customer always right?

Am I being old fashioned? When I walk up to the checkout in a supermarket to hand over my hard earned jobseekers allowance the last thing I want to hear from the woman behind the checkout is "D'ya wanna bag babe". I want to hear would you like a bag sir. I am paying her wages, actually this is a difficult one because she is paying mine also. It could be just the one I go in occasionally when there is nowhere quite so convenient, but it isn't a local one it's a chain. Oh it's the Coperative, there I said it.

It's not only in shops I am hearing this laid back couldn't give a damn about customer service type of attitude, familiarity breeds contempt and I hold many companies in contempt. I was in the Jobcentre on Monday ready to sign my name for my fortnightly cheque, it's easy to hear my name called I am the only White in there, as I sat down in front of a guy that looked about 18 his first words to me were "Hey dude what's up" I looked at him in disbelief, had I walked into a drug store by mistake, and I am not talking about Boots. He never checked my book that I take time and pride filling in so that they can see I am serious about finding work and he didn't even read it, probably not old enough to read yet. He looked at me again with what looked like love in his eyes and said "Yo Bro, how are you". He ain't my Bro he ain't even a White.

Shop, White collar and Orange staffseemed to have dumbed down their selection process, are they finding it hard to get staff? I called Orange the other day yet again to explain how my Internet on my phone wasn't working and got called Fella and Buddy! I have a question, why am I unemployed and these kind of people in the customer service sector?

The customer has always been and always will be the most important part of any transaction, we have a choice of where we go and we should vote with our feet and choose where we walk in to spend our ever decreasing pound.

A final word to the person that served me this morning in the Co-op and looked more like Sonny than Cher, I ain't your babe and you ain't got me.

13 live acts plus Cheryl

I was so pleased to see John eliminated from the show this week, only so I can use this next line. Yes, we will be a nation of yodelers by this time next week as we ask, John Adeleye who? Which means of course we will also still be changing one letter of Wagner's name to more accurately describe the ugliest Brazilian ever and the only one who suffers from lack of rhythm. You'd think he might have a nice hair trim being Brazilian.

Staying on the subject of hair, John deserved to be voted off even before he opened his mouth, what was his hair all about? It was a girls bun! Still, when you have Louis Walsh as your guru it's more like having a cock than a Gok in your corner.

John can consider himself extremely unlucky to be on his way home while Wanker continues to annoy the majority of the viewers. Who is voting for him? Blind deaf people? There can't be that many Brazilians with phones surely. Seriously, who would vote for Wagner? He isn't good looking, he can't sing, can't dance, can't even talk properly, he should be working in a call centre.

Louis is an idiot though isn't he. Last year he gave us Jedward, this year he's in charge of the over 28 talent. Having said that, Mary can carry a tune, but a pop star? Perlease. She has the XXXL factor granted. Seeing her in top shop was a little uncomfortable for me so I dread to think how she felt.

But let's celebrate talent that was on show on Saturday night. Highlights for me were Matt Cardle singing a Britney classic. Coincidentally, earlier in the day I had been watching a show on ITV about worst ever performances at talent show auditions and the 'Baby one more time' was the most popular but also most murdered songs. Matt however made it his own and is looking very very likely to be there for many weeks to come. He can sing, he is good looking, can he dance? We haven't seen that side of him yet. One thing i don't like about him he has this annoying habit of putting his hands together like he's praying, stop it Matt. OK, that's my advice over with. Dannis' effort to be the best looking judge suffered another set back this week as it looked like she had been styled by Cock Walsh and she finished a poor second behind the beautiful Simon Cowell.

Cher (Daniella Westbrook lookalike) was on top form again, she is another strongly fancied contender for the X Factor title this year along with who I thought gave the best performance of the night Katie Waissel.

This weeks theme was guilty pleasures, I'm not sure whose guilty pleasure the jungle book is but I wouldn't think it's Katies and we know Cheryls Extremely guilty bordering on worrying pleasure is One direction. A group of young lads who are in Simons words "The next big thing". Well you are their mentor, you have a record label and more power in the music industry than anyone. Add that to their boyish good looks that will appeal to every teenager on the planet and you have the recipe for disaster to the music industry and teenagers parents pockets as posters, albums and tour dates and if they cause the same amount of media frenzy as Bieber fever then a book will be due out shortly also. Can you believe that, Bieber has his autobiography out. "Woke up, sucked my Mums breast, burped, gurgled a song, threw up and went back to sleep.

Rebecca Ferguson was tremendous again this week but her wardrobe needs some attention, I wouldn't want to be seen out with my girlfriend looking like she did in that dress, although it would be somewhere handy to place your pint. Cheryl thinks Rebecca ticks all the boxes, I think they shared the same hair colour bottle this week also. Why do I not like Cheryl? That's another 2000 word article for the future.

(Photo: Rooney shooting his mouth off)
I admit to having a few drinks on Saturday night, it tends to help me get through the monotonous repetition of "They are taking a real risk with this song". No they aren't, soldiers in Afghanistan are taking a risk, Wayne Rooney took a risk saying he wanted to leave Manchester United. Be honest, when you saw the news he had signed a new 5 year deal, did you put it down to the death threats from the angry mobs outside his home, or was his agent on the phone to 'Rent an angry crowd' persuading Rooney to take the new deal of £250,000 a week. Do you realise £250,000 would pay 10 soldiers salary for a year. Sick world isn't it. Anyway, I was in the kitchen preparing another Gin and tonic and wasn't in any hurry to get back to the living room as I could hear what I thought was the Talk Talk ad that they show at the and of each section of the show, then realised it was Belle Amie screaming. Maybe we have found the new spice girls.

If I didn't mention every act tonight then they were as forgettable to me now as they seemed on the night. Best performance this week goes to Katie, worst to Cheryl Cole, she even mimes out of tune. Mr Bublé was unimpressive, nothing wrong with his voice just didn't like the new song.

See you next week when I will be talking about how the FUNG a Wanger like that is still in.

My old man was a dustman

He wore a dustman's hat, he never wore a hard one, there was no health and safety in those days for that!

Neither did he have a hi viz jacket, gloves or steel toe capped boots. The thing they did have that was steel were the bins they had to carry from peoples back gardens, walk to wherever the truck was parked where it wasn't causing any obstruction, lift it onto the back of the truck and empty it. Then of course carry it back to the garden, hop on the back of the truck and onto the next street.

Compare that scenario with todays ignorant, lazy, arrogant 'Environmental Industrial Hygienist'. Leave your bins no more than a metre from the edge of the road, pre-sort it and make sure you put it in the correct colour container. If it isn't in the bin it doesn't go in. They will endeavour to put your wheelie bin close to where they found it providing our first throw is within 3 metres of it's original location.


By the way, in the meantime they will hold up all the traffic in the street instead of pulling over politely by the side of the road. Well we wouldn't expect you to walk more than a metre to retrieve the next bin would we.
What is it with people in these type of jobs? Are they trying to make out their occupation is in some way as important as say a Policeman? Or maybe a doctor? I think recent government cuts didn't go far enough, they forgot to make all council refuse collectors redundant, or, make them work only at night when they can park where they want and not hold up people who have more important things to do than watch your arses at the rear of a truck all the way down the street.

Is there a law which says they have the right to obstruct the public highway for up to 30 minutes? It is just so typical of this country, minimum effort for maximum reward. How about getting all the unemployed to help out for their fortnightly cheque. Before anyone thinks I'm just on my soap box looking down on the unemployed, I am one of those people claiming Jobseekers allowance.

Cameron gets off DeFence and into a row

What is defence? Well I know what it used to mean. Protecting ones homeland. When was the last time we were involved in a war of defence? There are 2 subjects I am not very good at, history and politics, however, I don't need 'O' Levels in either to know that the last war on British soil ended in 1945. Winston Churchill (He was the one with the big cigar and an alcohol problem, reminded me of WC Fields, that's how I remember him) lost the next election in 1945, there's gratitude for you. He won a war while pissed! proof we all think we can fight the world and win when we've had a drink, my guess is he wasn't too bothered about losing the next election either.

I think it's safe to say Cameron wont have won many friends when he announced cutting 17,000 jobs in the armed forces over the next 5 years and if he lasts 'til the next election which must be held by 11th June 2015 it's also safe to say that Labour will again repeat their great victory of 1945 while this once great Country leaves itself wide open to further attacks from foreigners.

Hold on, 10% of people now living in the UK have been invading us basically non stop, most people born outside Britain are from India - around one in ten of the population. There were 613,000 people born in India. Poland was the third most common country of birth, with 405,000 Polish-born people in the country. One in three people in London were born abroad, and two boroughs, Westminster and Brent, have a population in which the majority are foreign-born.

I know there will be many people reading this saying "Oh yeah but it's not the army's job, it's border control". Well may I suggest that the powers that be have been sticking their noses in too many other countries business and have forgotten the true meaning of the word defence, which is 'protection from harm, military action or resources protecting a country against potential enemies'. Who are our enemies, are we not engaged in a war of terrorism in our own country without going elsewhere looking for trouble like a group of football thugs at an away game. I truly believe they are making the cuts in the wrong places, surely the brains behind stopping atrocities like 7/7 at MI5/6 are the ones who should be on the front line for dismissal. Overpaid and incapable of doing their jobs satisfactorily, ironic that the description of their job is 'Intelligence'.

So we have approximately 6.3 million foreigners in our country, 2.4 million of those are Muslims. If we are going to invite the enemy over for dinner at least let's be here waiting for them when they arrive instead of being 'Out to lunch' in Afghanistan or Iraq.

If foreigners love our country so much let's get them fighting for us, give the new British nationals 2 years national service, a probation period to prove their loyalty to their new Country. We are paying them to do our jobs anyway. either that or they are claiming benefits so make them earn them. Before you get the idea this is all about people coming over here stealing our jobs and benefits I want to make it clear that I don't think all foreigners are lazy, dishonest people with no respect for our religion, rules and customs. They do many jobs us British would never do for the wages they work for, all i am saying is instead of sticking them in fields picking asparagus train them to prepare for the trenches, actually, dig trenches then plant asparagus in the spoil you dig out, 2 for the price of one. Every little helps.

OK some of this is with my tongue pressed firmly in my cheek, but don't tell me you haven't had the same thoughts at sometime. We have the reputation of being a soft touch, everyone is welcome, yes you are, but live by our rules and be prepared to fight for our beliefs and values. I am not xenophobic, I am not a racist, everyone regardless of colour or religion has a place in the world wherever they choose to live, BUT, do not move to another country and expect to live by your rules and values, do it on your own doorstep. I am quite a well travelled guy, I enjoy learning, living, respecting and enjoying other peoples cultures, I think Brits on the whole do, it's why we go abroad isn't it? Or am i living in my own little world and the main attraction in other countries is the sunshine and cheaper booze?

With or without a drink I hate violence of any kind. Prevention is better than cure, nuclear spending you could argue is essential if we want to remain one of the worlds super powers, but at what expense? I am not just talking about the £2 billion average spend weapons we will never use, I say never because even if they were ever used we would all be killed anyway, so why have them? Can we not put spending into things to improve the quality of life, better hospitals, more research into real threats to mankind like cancer and Cowell. 3 more years of the bloody XFactor, makes nuclear war sound like a more attractive option. Seriously though, the world has gone mad. Is a footballer really worth 1000 soldiers or nurses weekly wage? Of course not, but that's how sick this planet has become, we are living in an age where the only thing that's cool is being a drunk celebrity. In 1944 drunk celebrities won wars directing thousands of troupes to victory, the pilots in spitfires were real stars, flying on the seat of their pants without any technology other than a compass. These men and women were all for one cause, to make sure Britain stayed great, but all governments since Churchill have slowly released the reigns and lost direction. We have no rudder, just as well we have no aircraft carriers then also. If we did they would be drifting around the world ready to stick their bows in where they don't belong.

It's time for real men to run the country instead of toffee nosed public schoolboys who know absolutely nothing about the real world and will do anything to ensure that there isn't any trouble on their own doorstep. You have got it all wrong, all of you. Pavements used to have children playing hopscotch on them in streets where doors were never locked, drugs were something only rock stars did, that's the problem, everyone wants to be a rock star, forcing our children off the streets because they aren't safe to play on anymore, locking our doors and installing the latest alarm in case some wanna be rock star/Celebrity can't afford their fix this week. It's OK, the government (Tax payer) will foot the bill for your rehab or jail term and before you know it you will be back on your feet at the top of the ratings with a best selling autobiography explaining how you (WE HELPED YOU) got over your addiction, until the next book anyway.

I don't blame Cameron, or any one person for the state of our country and the world today, it is a succession of leaders who WE voted for that have slowly turned this country into a benefit state, for anyone and everyone to come to our country, put it in a terrible state and then benefit from their actions. Appalling.

Oi Churchill, could you save us money on our country insurance? OHHHHH YEESSSSSSSS

Honister to Manchester via Chile

I recently revisited the Lake District, but as one of the 2 million that descend on the Cumbrian County annually i wanted to discover the lesser known attractions other than Lake Windermere.

It was my girlfriends birthday so I thought I would surprise her and do something really romantic, so I took her on a tour of Honister slate mine. As a snooker player I was fascinated to find out where the substance that gave me so many hours of pleasure in my youth came from. I would of had to of gone to Italy or Spain to see that as Honister concentrates mainly on the roof tiles that adorn such high profile homes as Buckingham Palace to name drop just one.

Honister mine is more than 900 years old and there are still guys today using drills and cheese wire cutting 'Clogs' to keep the rain off heads for the next hundred years. I was fascinated by the tour guides enthusiasm, I even whispered to myself "Calm down woman it's only a bloody slate mine". My assumptive attitude reduced me in size considerably as it became clear that her Grandfather, Father and now her Son have all worked in this dark, damp, ery and dangerous hell hole. Her Son was in fact the new owner of the mine and within moments her passion transferred to me and I could feel my eyes weeping like the lava ceiling lid on this million year old tomb. A place that over the years has taken many lives.

I emerged from that hole in a mountain a different man than the one that went in. Men would dig with hammer and chisel from morning 'til night, they would live in appalling conditions with little more than shelter from the dis gusting winds that howled around Honister. They would walk 40 or 50 miles with a sack of food for their 2 week shift, the sack would be their mattress and it's content their fuel for what must of been a horrendous job in abominable conditions.

These men were real men, they would be paid what they were worth by the tonnes of slate they managed to extract with their bare hands, no explosives, no modern computers. Imagine this, 80% of what they used to mine was deemed unusable as it was too small. Now of course they waste nothing. you can buy anything from a head stone to a wine rack made from the worlds finest slate.

The dangers of mining are ever present and unless you have been stuck down a mine for the last 5 months you will be aware of the Chile disaster which thankfully turned into a miracle. 33 miners stuck 800 metres below ground with nothing to do except clear away the rubble caused by their rescuers efforts to free them. We all know now that they were all freed unscathed, apart from miner number 21 who was met by his mistress at the surface, my guess is he will have a few minor bumps and bruises after returning home.

What does all this have to do with Manchester which I featured in the title of this piece? Wayne Rooney! Actually, every premiership footballer, particularly those at clubs like Manchester United, Man City, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool.

Next time Rio Ferdinand gets a little twinge in his back send him to Honister for a tour, it's great exercise for the body and also the mind. You are pathetic all of you. Never done a days work in your life. You drive around in your sports cars to your long driveway mansions in your Armani suits and Gucci man bags, you are not men you are sad excuses of a species that would never have evolved and survived without real men like the boys from Honister who were united in their efforts and always delivered the goods.

It's about time these walking advertising hoardings were paid exactly what they were worth, pay them for good results not failure. Rooney supposedly one of the top strikers in the world is about to be rewarded for what can only be honestly described as a failure and will earn upwards of £200,000 a week with an imminent move to Manchester City, Chelsea, or hopefully abroad somewhere. May I recommend Amsterdam Ajax, I think even you can score there Wayne going on recent performances.

The courage, determination and teamwork those 33 Chilean miners just showed would be a fine example to set any footballer, I have a suggestion, 33 miners that's 3 football teams, get them on a football tour of the Premiership, Manchester United, City and Chelsea watch out because the real men are coming to get you and they will shaft the lot of you.

Football has dug itself into a huge hole without any hope of escape, clubs will continue to go into administration as long as there are individuals who think they are bigger than the team and club itself, it isn't just the players but chairmen and owners alike.

If I were a manager or a director of a football club today there would be a clause in everyone's contract which said they must visit Honister mine and do the tour of duty, duty to yourselves, your fans and for just 1 hour of your lives experience what it's like to do a proper days work for a ridiculous amount of money instead of sweet FA.

An ascending profession

After reading an article in 'Stylist' by the much read and respected Grace Dent about 'Lap dancing clubs' I felt compelled to give a males point of view and run a few of my ideas up the pole.

Russell Brand was used as an example to make the assumption that just because someone has endless amounts of money and opportunities at his disposal is in some way a barometer of his class. I hardly think Brand is a role model of anything that is decent or morally correct, he is certainly not in the running to win Mr Tasteful 2010 and definitely is not a true reflection of 'Modern man'.

He seems to have met his perfect match though in Katy Perry which only highlights the fact that he made the right choice of venue to celebrate his forthcoming marriage. I can remember back when all my friends were getting married we would go out for a meal, or a simple pub crawl, get the groom drunk, strip him naked and chain him to a pole. My how things have changed. Now stag nights are held weeks, sometimes months in advance, the guys have gone abroad to hide their dirty needs and dirty deeds, while the 'Hen party' go on a pub crawl, cover a Chippendale type stripper in baby oil and slide up and down on his pole, ultimately ending with him squirting Anchor cream, or something similar sounding, all over her tattooed, pierced torso.

Meanwhile the guys over in Eastern Europe are watching a highly paid, unchained willing participant provide the entertainment for the red faced stag. Could be worse, it could have been him on public display on a pole in the early hours of the morning. I guess we have evolved a little at least.

The question of need and the supply in the sex industry is as old as the profession itself. If there were no dancers or prostitutes would there be people scouring the streets raping innocent women. I know there will always be rapists and murderers, but do they decrease because we have ladies of the night. You could say that it would actually reduce the number of rapes and murders if they took them off the streets, hooker haters like Sutcliffe and Jack the ripper might have ended up model citizens. I am not blaming the women, or condoning violence towards women or anyone for that matter, I am trying to make the point that there are arguments for and against the need for a sex industry.

So are Lap dancing clubs just a bit of harmless fun? I admit I was persuaded to visit one with two friends one night. Neither of us were on a stag night, in fact my mates were divorced, lack of sex from their wives was one of the reasons, I don't think that's how the court papers worded it but that was the gist of it, Husbands unreasonable sexual demands or something like that.

This is one of my theories on why men use lap dancing clubs and/or brothels. The trouble with us men is we want you ladies to multitask, now as the masters of that talent we find it difficult to accept that you can't be our whore in the bedroom, a loving Mother to our children and a Lady everywhere other than in the bedroom. It's a fact that many men like to just talk to women when they visit clubs or other establishments, some like to practice their little quirks and fantasies that they wouldn't dream of asking the mother of his children to perform. This could be one of the reasons too many men are out hugging curbs instead of at home hugging their partners.

I would personally prefer to stick pound notes down my girlfriends knickers in the privacy of my own flat, pound notes? shows how long ago it was. I would willingly don my g-string and gyrate for my partner in return for her efforts, well OK to get my pound notes back also.

There is an obvious solution to this problem for the girls that feel used and exploited, DON'T DO IT, GET A PROPER DECENT JOB. And there in lays the problem, they know they are in an industry that pays like no other job, you can rise to the top of your profession without any danger of being beaten onto the board by one of those bosses you dance for on a regular basis, you are top dogs and you are welcome to it.

You have equal rights, you chained yourself to the railings and burnt items of clothing years ago to symbolise this, I think it's time you put them back on. You complained of being chained to the kitchen sink and were set free to seek whatever you desired and rightly so. Incidentally, I didn't see any chains on the legs or arms of those women that danced for my two friends when we entered that establishment, I was merely there for research purposes you understand which I knew would come in handy one day, who would of thought this day would ever come.

I am proud to say that I never actually stooped low enough to place any money in the dancers underwear, I thought it would be wrong to donate money to a cause that would only lead to her wanting to stay in the job even longer. The truth of the matter is there will always be guys willing to depart with their titty tokens while there are women who when asked why they do it often come up with a reason like "We don't know anything else" well use some of the money to learn instead of mashing your brains up even more with drugs.

It looks like the slim shiny silver steel mountain will be climbed in clubs around the world forever more, why? Because it's there.

A Constable makes it into a top London art gallery

Nothing remarkable you might think reading that headline. Until you realise it isn't John the 19Th century landscape painter but 8 year old Cheyenne Constable from Hastings. She has just managed what many great well known artists in the past have failed to achieve and joins other great masters such as Leonardo da Vinci, Raphael, Manet, Monet, Gauguin and Picasso by having her work displayed at the London Academy of Art.

Cheyenne will be presented with a certificate at her school this Friday, then be treated to a day out in London where all the winners in this years 'Sightsavers' competition will visit the London Aquarium, enjoy a behind the scenes tour of the Royal Academy, and be presented with their certificate and prizes in an awards ceremony. They will also win a painting workshop for their school which will take place in early next year.

Huge news right? Wrong. BBC South East today programme don't see it as newsworthy and radio stations that showed initial interest in the story failed to get back to the child proud single parent Simon.

I guess it isn't as exciting as Katy Perry turning up at a book signing dressed in painted on jeans, or even Katie Price out shopping for a new horse or bigger boobs, but hang on, this is an 8 year old girl who has accomplished something great artists in history have never conquered, her painting hanging in the Royal Academy of Arts gallery, did you misunderstand anything there?

If Cheyenne was on BGT or XFactor I'm sure you would be writing about her and talking about her every day of the week, digging up as much dirt on her to make headline news for your Sunday roasting. Well hang on a minute, I think she did once drop a bread crumb from her lunch box on the school bus and another pupil did pick it up, eat it and die of the resulting infection, and it just so happens that the Father of the poor girl that died from eating that crumb was once arrested on suspicion of child molestation but later released after insufficient evidence and the case was dropped, maybe now you are interested?

What is it with this country, why can we not celebrate the good instead of celebrate the bad celebrity, in fact the bad in anyone. If someone does good lets look for more good, not start the never ending pursuit of dirt, there is worthy news in good things, especially in those who are not yet famous, there is so many stories in the unknown, let's tell those stories, at least until the tabloids get hold of them.

The Sightsavers 'Sad World' exhibition takes place from 15 October to the 10 November in the Café at the Royal Academy. It is open daily and entry is free.

George out, Katie in, Lap dancer going down and Charlotte out

Words like "I just want to start again" and "I am going to be around so much you guys are going to get sick of me". George, go away, do what you want, we do not care. I never cared back in the 90's. Do a Ridgley and disappear.

We know you are out, you came out years ago. Wow, you spent time in prison and it gave you inspiration for a song did it. What's the title, Jailhouse cock? Is it a love song? Grow up, stop taking drugs, go and do something honest and worthwhile. I heard there are 33 jobs down a mine going.

Quirky Katie as she is dubbed continues to annoy the nation it seems, not only was she blamed for Gamus exit, I don't mean the deportation, just expulsion from the XFactor, now she took the place in round 2 of many peoples favourite boy band FYD. For those of you that didn't know FYD stands for Feel Your Dick. Their performance was bordering on obscene especially on a show aimed also at youngsters.

If you felt sorry for them on Sunday night, any sympathy would have evaporated if you saw them interviewed on Daybreak the following morning. When asked how they felt about being knocked out so early, one replied, not sure which one he was, how many were there? 5? That's blown my joke then, I was going to say well it wasn't Feel, I'm pretty sure it wasn't Your, so it must have been Dick who replied "It's nice not to have to wake up every day and learn a new song and sing all the time, it will be nice to get some sleep". Not really what record producers want to hear.

Charlotte Church is feeling the strings of love still pulling at her as she sees ex Gavin Henson on just about everything at the moment. She has blamed the reality show 71 degrees North for her split from the Welsh rugby player and Father to their 2 children. She claims that when he went away he had lots of time to reflect on his life and came back a different person. they both thought it was best to split up while the kids were still young??? Some people just do not deserve children, namely celebrities and politicians who use them as pawns to further their careers and profile.

What ever happened to Gavin's Father Jim, you remember him, invented the Muppets, I am pretty sure they modelled Rowlf on Gavin. Come on girls get a life, he looks like a basset hound, if he had a body like mine you wouldn't look twice. Men are more than pieces of meat Ladies, have some respect.


(Photo: Gavin ready for a waltz)

Nadine Quashie, there's a name you wont be familiar with, unless you are a regular in Stringfellows. She is the lap dancer centre stage in court this week citing unfair dismissal. Earning £200,000 a year wasn't enough for this single Mum who felt she was being exploited (Really in a lap dancing club) by the owners of the top Covent garden night spot. She is claiming every hour on the hour she would have to dance naked for free whenever the trigger song Girls girls girls was played. I would dance naked free every night to Boys boys boys for 1200 quid. Look on the bright side, at least you didn't have to shag the boss for sticking his wonga down your garter. A spokesman for Stringfellows claims she was fired for using drugs. No way, a stripper on drugs! Whatever next.

A row has broken out on Twitter after insults were 'Tweeted' by JLS fans to Tulisa (She's the female one in N Dubz) claiming Dippy, I mean Dappy, threw a plastic bottle at JLS as they left the radio 1 studios. My theory is the N Dubz front man heard their live performance and thought they needed to clear their throats a little. Should of thrown a mirror at them so they could practice their miming. It all got a bit heated on Twitter with insults flying back and forth and it eventually came to an end when Dappy told Tulisa to shut it man or they would lose the 50% off deal he had negotiated for a new sofa.

Nice to see Dappy is acting in a more Eco friendly violent manner. Unfortunately mate it seems in Trashy tongued Tulisa you have a bag for life.

A new joint to challenge Bannatyne?

There is a new threat to Duncan Bannatyne’s empire in the shape of London Councils.

12 new Gyms are planned with 2 already to my knowledge fully operational. I have to say the risk of the council eating into Bannatyne’s fortunes are about as likely Wagner winning the X Factor or Jedward ever singing a note in tune.
I have a few concerns about whether or not my council tax is being spent wisely. My initial thought was great, free gym, but there must be a cost somewhere along the line. Do parks in London really need a gym? There isn’t even a Childs play area in the park, but OK I don’t have any kids, it might look like I am expecting one very soon so free exercise seems like a wise choice by Greenwich council.

What is the downside to an outdoor gym in England? well the obvious things like inclement weather conditions, vandals and also due to the lack of fencing surrounding it, the fact that foxes, dogs, and, George Michael is back on the loose don’t forget, so anything that roams the parks at night which means I could end up with God knows what all over my torso. That’s where the open air bit comes into its own, the rain can wash all the previous nights evidence away, there isn’t a CCTV camera in sight so we might never know who it was that had to go go before we wake up.

The pluses are that when the sun shines it’s nice, great surroundings, birds tweeting, no guys I don’t mean girls sitting around in leotards on their lap tops. The air is clean no smelly grunters and groaners and thankfully for me no mirrors in which to chirp who’s a pretty boy then.

(Photo: Is that Alan Sugar fresh from the gym?)

When I saw them constructing it last week I thought well how can people change the weights they are lifting, but all became clear today as I used the machines for the first time, by clever design you simply lift your own weight, which is a little unfair really, as the heavier and fatter you are the more you have to lift, now I know they, sorry we, are the ones who need to lose most kilos but no need to punish us so heavily. All in all I enjoyed my first workout, I feel rejuvenated, energised and positive, all those great feel good feelings we get from exercise. I never had to do one of those really embarrassing introductory assessments which other gyms make compulsory and best of all, it didn’t cost a penny.

As I started my second circuit I was interrupted by a guy in a suit obviously from the council asking what I thought of the new attraction in the park and had I heard any other feedback from other local residents. I pointed out that I thought it was amazing they put a gym there instead of a play area considering how many families came to walk their dogs. He said they had to consider what they thought the area needed and this was the result. In answer to his question regarding what I thought of the equipment I had no complaints really other than the ‘Treadmill’ was a bit of an accident waiting to happen, you know those things at airport security that you roll your bags along on for them to go through the X-ray machine, well that’s what the running machine is like, impossible to run on in the dry weather, it might be worth taking a camcorder along during the winter and sending a few clips off to 'You’ve been framed', nice little earner.

I enjoyed my first work out, but as I was just finishing off and hoping for a rain shower but unfortunately another shower emerged and I got a sharp reminder of why Bannatyne’s fortunes are secure for now as 3 hoodies turned up smoking weed. One headed straight for the bench press which must have been his first ever time in a ‘Gym’ and after 5 reps exclaimed, “This is easy, I could do this all day long”. I presume he was referring to the joint in his mouth.

(Photo: The wrong kind of leaves are falling this autumn in our parks)

Grumpy middleaged man. These are a few of my least favourite things

As i grow older it seems more things annoy me, or is it that when I was younger I believed I had more important things going on in my life, things that I cared more about, like drinking, girls, football and drinking, girls and football.

I never used to let trivial things bother me, or are they trivial? I have always known the correct and polite way to conduct myself, but maybe I too was once too much of a 'Twat' to worry about it.

I will put my pet hates in list form but in no particular order other than that's the way they come into my head, because number 1 is first it doesn't mean it annoys me anymore than number 10, although the reason for today's number 1 is the fact that it happened to me on my way to the park earlier today.

1. I was driving in a polite manner as I always do, if the obstruction is on my side I will stop and allow oncoming traffic their right of way, sometimes I will even reverse back if I have gone a little prematurely (Something I hasten to add happens a lot less the older you get, so there's one positive from a negative). If I am the recipient of such politeness i never fail to show my appreciation with a flash of the lights or a wave of my hand, most of the time I oblige with both. So why do so many other people think it is their God given right to swan around the roads like they own a larger proportion of them than I do? I cannot stand ignorance. Wave, smile, even a little flash (Of your lights) It will make you feel better as well as me.

2. Oh here we go, celebrities that have had such a hard life they turn to alcohol and drugs. They complain about how hard it was coping with fame and fortune. Get over yourselves and go and try doing a proper days work. Do what I did, as I wasn't lucky enough to have been born with a silver spoon or a microphone in my mouth. Early mornings in the English and Estonian winters, digging holes and shovelling shit for 8 hours a day, then have to spend the rest of your life on pain killing prescription drugs for a bad back. You need to be sent to the workhouse not rehab.

3. Kind of a lead on from the previous rant, the 'Ladette' culture looks as if it is here to stay and get even more acceptable in today's and future society. If I happen to be lucky enough to get a Grandson I think it will be impossible for him to ever know what it feels like to have the love of a Lady. There will be so few left, but I guess they will be easier to spot, they will stand out in the crowd as the only one on 2 legs upright and not sprawled out drunk with their skirts round their necks and a condom hanging out of every orifice. I am not suggesting we go back to Victorian times, but i don't want to live in Dicktorian times either. There are enough male idiots in the world without you girls adding to it, besides, you are so much more attractive when you are ladies, oh, but not in the bedroom OK.

4. Phone in competitions on daytime TV and phone in voting! We are at the stage now where we the public are paying in so many different ways for the trash TV channels are dishing up. You are not offering any prizes, you are getting all the public to donate the prize then giving some of it to the winner and using the rest to make the next hour of rubbish. We should all agree one day to let just 1 person call in for the £25,000 cash prize their mortgage paid for a year and free hair extensions for life whatever they are bribing you poor bored housewives with on 'This Morning'.

Let's sting them, make them put up the prize. But you know what, we wont, because we are either gullible or brainwashed. The world has gone mad, TV has gone bad and creativeness is stifled by easy off the shelf reality shows, so not only do they want us to pay for everything they want us to be the bloody stars as well.

5. The cube. Do I really need to say anything other than it's a kids show presented by a kids TV presenter. So ITV move them both to where they belong.

6. Employers. I hate the way employers today suffer from two major faults. Narrow mindedness and their inability to give the older job hunter the opportunity to prove that they can do the job as well as, if not far better than the new kids on the block. I have been actively seeking employment in London for the past three months. I have applied in various fields including different sales positions in direct sales, telesales, customer service, retail sales, call centres (I don't think they could understand my accent), building and construction and i even got desperate enough to apply for an estate agent position.

I can understand them wanting to hire a 20 year old instead of a 48 year old with tonnes of life experience, in fact no I can't understand it. They will be drunk for the weekend which means Monday is out of the question, they might wake up by noon in time to check their personal emails and Facebook messages, switch on MSN and it will be time for a liquid lunch and a hair of the dog. Back by 3 to have a scroll through Twitter to see what they have been missing and that's basically Monday done. Tuesday will be spent catching up on Mondays work, plus of course Twitter, Beebo, Facebook MSN and oh yeah someone they met at the weekend on a late night chat line only has Yahoo so I better download that as no one ever downloads yahoo unless its to use so the girlfriend doesn't catch you.

Repeat for Wednesday for catch up on Tuesday and Thursday might get Wednesdays back log sorted and then Friday it's time to get ready for the weekend, maybe get the latest games and tunes on the ipadstationberry, then a nice early Friday to beat the traffic home. Or is that just me being ageist?

7. People that lick celebrities arses as if they are Gods, I don't think even a Gods arse deserves licking by the way. You see it all the time on Twitter, it's like everyone is afraid to say what they feel just in case they offend them, trust me they probably either wont see it or reply to it if they do. I hate when celebrities are interviewed, I mean when the interviewer reads out the questions given to them by the celebrity, they write nearly all their own questions and will only do the interview if the host agrees. Well what's the point of asking questions the celeb wants asked? I want to know what I want to know.

Yes I know if i was a chat show host nobody would want to come on because they want the safe questions, well I ain't interested in safe and boring, I want to be entertained, to know stuff I didn't hear asked on the radio show in the morning, or on every other channel that they are pushing their latest book or movie on. Same with politicians, they never ever answer a question, well I don't want to see them interviewed then. If they do answer it's with another question, maybe they should be the chat show hosts and the chat show hosts the politicians, yeah, Wogan for Prime minister.

I was surprised the other night watching Qi XL to see Jimmy Carr totally blown out of the water by Jack Dee and Alan Davies, without a script Carr was made to look inferior and totally out of his depth. Stick to your scripted stuff Jimmy, improv isn't for you. See, that's my boot up his arse not my tongue.

8. News of the world newspaper. Intrusive, sensationalising, scare mongering trappers and destroyers of celebrities, the lowest of the low. Keep up the good work.

9. Call centres and mobile phone companies, well, mainly mobile phone call centres, but in general any company you call and have to go through a list of options pressing all different keys, type in your mobile number, then wait 15 minutes on hold listening to some annoying music. If my signal is still strong enough and i don't get cut off, which is incidentally the reason for my call in the first place, the first thing they ask for is your phone number!

Recently because 12 out of 17 of my nearest masts have faults you can imagine I have been cut off many times before actually getting to speak to a human. Ah maybe the reason the recording asks you to type in your number is so they can call you back if they lose you, no chance.

If you are lucky enough to get through the chances of you understanding the person on the other end of the phone in Delhi are almost zero. That's why there are numbers on their menus in restaurants, we cant understand you and you us so keep off my mobile help line, you are not helping. I thought I was lucky the other day I got transferred to a British call centre, in Glasgow, thanks a lot, I asked them immediately to put me back to Delhi.

While I am on the subject of accents, I think the BBC are going slightly overboard with the use and good will gesture of intergrating Welsh, Irish and Scottish presenters. I don't think you will hear many English presenters in their countries.

10. I hate the fact that all these best or worst of articles always come in tens.