Britain's got talent

Britain’s got talent!
That’s the title of the show, but let’s change it to a question, has Britain got talent? Yes! Yes! Yes! Stacks of it, stages full to the lighting rigs of it. But for every decent act there are 10 bad ones. I’m not criticising anyone for having the guts, stupidity, bravery or whatever you want to call it, but why do they do it? Is it for their few minutes of fame? That argument doesn’t hold any water with me, I think these people actually believe that they are good at whatever it is they are subjecting us all to, it’s embarrassing, degrading, pitiful, but brilliant entertainment.

Amanda Holden, Piers Morgan and the real ‘Star’ of the show Simon Cowell have the best jobs in the world. When the acts are good it’s a great job, when they are bad it’s a fantastic job. I’m sure we see the best of the best when the show is put together and I hope we see the worst. Saturday 11th of April was the first show in this years search for the next Royal court Jester, although the Ambassador has spoilt many a lady with his pyramid of golden wrapped chocolate balls, he will not be shoving as many handfuls down his throat in a minute as possible to amuse the variety crowd. The real entertainment will come from Liz as she heckles orf with his head from her royal box on high.

Perhaps with the recession Manjit Singh could stop off at the Palace on the night of the variety show and pull the royal coach to the theatre with his ear, just don’t rely on him to keep the queen size bed warm with a water bottle. We were treated to a feminist witch that turned her hubby into a kangaroo then threatened to transform a further 4003 into marsupials, not forgetting Ant and Dec also, so 4004.

We saw Simon Cowell's human side on numerous occasions and he proved he is mellowing nicely as he saved a unicyclists life, stopped short a Milli Vanilli style ventriloquist from commiting entertainment suicide, and done something much faster than the Americans could manage by sending a pirate with a with a lethal weapon on his bike. We had a rollerskating dancer that couldn’t skate, A 60 year old Gene Kelly fan trying to dance like Michael Jackson but looked more like he should have been holding a football scarf on the Kop, tap dancers that were a washout, a stripper who had her tits out although patriatism obscured our view at home of them bouncing in union and a 47 year old Scot called Susan that made me cry my eyes out. She confessed she’d never been kissed, she looked as though she never wanted to be either and she did something that is rarer than a haggis flying across Loch Ness with a monster poking his head out the of the lake in the background, she rendered the panel speechless, she had as much sex appeal as Paul Pott and just as much talent, if Trinny and Susanna get hold of her before the next round we could see her meeting not only the Queen but her Prince charming.

Confidently named dance act Flawless lived up to their name to ease into the next round, Piers Morgan was gobsmacked by them which is better than a headbutt from the Hoff I guess, not sure about possible winners of the final but they will certainly never have to worry about working again and they must be one of the few acts that have ever forced Simon's arse off his chair. I will say that he was looking very relaxed last night, winking and smiling at almost everyone of the lambs lining up to be slaughtered.

Over all it was a great first show, more sacrificial wool bearers up on next weeks show including 3 old ladies teaching us how to finger knit, I think Simon might have his own version of that ready when it comes to the judges comments. I will leave you with my thoughts on who my money is on to go all the way to the Palladium, Stavros Flattlys, if you didn’t see it treat yourselves www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHvATmUsSg