Britain is in a state, of Nanny

My times at school were the happiest of my life. Bullying hadn't been invented then, or if you did become a victim of a bit of playground banter which sometimes led to fisticuffs, either yourself or a mate sorted it out. A little crowd would gather at the next break bell and both parties would come out fighting. Following some dancing and a bit of rolling about on the tarmac a teacher would come out and bang their heads together and drag them off to the headmaster who would be waiting, cane in hand, to give you 3 lashes, making it difficult to sit through the rest of the days lessons, having already had the first of the day, one I never forgot and rarely, if ever, re offended.

At the time I couldn't wait to leave, it's annoying that your parents are always right. "These are the best days of your life, you will look back one day and realise that, oh and I hear you got the cane at school today for fighting". I would then argue it wasn't my fault until i was either blue in the face or my Dad got home, who had also heard somehow that I had been in front of the headmaster and would then give me a slap in the same place and sitting watching Grange Hill was as painful as my own school day had been.

I was never academic, but I loved my time there, you saw your friends every day, there was always a girl you had a crush on and each new day was a first kiss opportunity, well a dream at least. I always seemed to fall for the brainy ones, never got a kiss but it meant I could be out chasing others while they sat at home doing my homework. If you didn't get it done you could take the teacher a couple of apples and a banana and come up with some feeble excuse, a little look of hidden disbelief from Mrs Seal and I was OK 'til next week.

If I were to try and pull that trick at school now, 1. It would be, Mark I didn't get your email, although I did notice you were at your computer because I saw you on cam, or 2. I can't accept gifts Mark, it's an attempt to either bribe me, or you are sexually harassing me with your fruity innuendo.

It seems you never totally leave your schooldays behind, bullying becomes an issue however well you did in your exams. I failed my 11 plus so never got to go to the proper school where you could get a better education and go onto university and get to wear one of those funny hats, like the one your headmaster used to put on before caning you, or if you were really bad, the one like the judge used to wear sending you to hang out somewhere else for the rest of your life. I always wanted to go to one of those graduation days where you get to throw your hat in the air and as if by magic they never come down again, in the movies anyway. But it seems those health and safety creatures discovered they do come down, and, when they do they could kill you, did they never do physics?.

I was always the class fool, more interested in entertaining and making people laugh by copying the voices and mannerisms of the teachers, if I couldn't learn the least I could do was to try and make sure no one else did. Later in life that training would help me to travel Europe impersonating rock and pop stars, Rod Stewart, Tina Turner, Madonna, even Tom Jones, Ladies would throw their knickers at me, oh the things they would do to make me cover myself up. Today that would be banned, oh health and safety risk! Oh you mean I might catch some disease? No! I might trip and break my leg as Victoria's secret is revealed before my very eyes.

Maybe if I had worked harder at school I could have been a politician, never has there been a better time to be serving under Gordon Brown. I can take bullying, I don't need to call a help line to be betrayed by some aptly named do gooder called Pratt, pouring my heart out in confidence to a supposed stranger who I can trust with all my most intimate thoughts. "My boss is being horrible to me, he's shouting and everything".

I would wait for Prime Ministers question 'Play' time and bully Gordon Brown right back for everyone to see, with the exception of David Blunkett of course, who as Home Secretary is blind to most of the crime being committed in our country today. I would take all my pent up anger on his incapability to handle the countries affairs because of his lack of knowledge, the exact same reasons that I never made PM and I would bully him right back, until we were both dragged off to the headmistresses Palace to have our arses caned, in a sort of naughty Knighting ceremony.

Who can we trust? 4 people have already resigned from the National Bully line today because they can't keep their mouths shut and their ears open, our footballers spend more time scoring in the wrong goal than ever before or getting not only the choice of underwear seriously wrong but the mobile number also. How poignant it would be if Mr Cole met his demise by Cheryl sending a picture text of herself in her finest underwear to the correct number, accompanied, with the tag line, 'Ashley, this is what you will never have again, see ya pet'.

One last thing, today is Radio 1 breakfast DJ Chris Moyles birthday, happy Birthday Chris, I hope you didn't have any candles on your cake, it's health and safety mate, sorry.