Claude Winkleman

Oh dear oh dear, old dear!
I am in two minds about describing Claudia’s outfit for Monday nights feast of Hells Kitchen, she looked like she could have been in war time France working for Rene, or, the female equivalent of the older man that pulls his trousers up under his nipples. Claudia if that get up was a meal it would definitely been sent back to the kitchen because it just was no where near hot enough.

Well how relaxing did the show feel without Jody’s annoying temper tantrums and tearing around the kitchen shouting and upsetting everyone he looked at, including the us at home, it was a real pleasure to be free of him.

I liked the first challenge of the night when they were asked to cook something that reminded them of their childhood. Nice dumplings Naomi, you pilchard Ade, pigeon toed Bruce dished up chickens feet and also a touching childhood memory to boot. Danielle burnt some peppers, Grant wrapped a lovely piece of cod and some chips in some brown paper, (maybe he got the idea from Bruce) and had everyone in tears including me, my Mum and almost Marco.

Very annoyingly they either didn’t show Linda’s and Anthea's choices, I hate it when they don’t show all the judging, but it was Bruce that came out on top and has escaped the sacking table on Tuesday night. I am really beginning to like Bruce, he is as Marco says, very consistent, honest (OK I forgive you for your earlier goalkeeping intercessions) and extremely hard working and dedicated. I dread to think how he managed to get a short black curly hair in the mash.

Highlight of the night was when Linda was put in charge of the pass and asked to shout out the orders, bless her, she can’t shout, she is Linda Evans, or as Ade called her, John Le Mesuier aka Sergeant Wilson from Dads Army.

Cliff Richard (Grant Bovey) was caught in the fridge with Linda, no sex there then, or maybe she just doesn’t do it for him, as according to Anthea ‘His stiff willy has no conscience’.

Marco the non ginger haired Mick Hucknall look alike with Yasa Arafat’s scarf round his head has yet another easy decision to make on the next show. I really do think that for the good of the show either Grant or Anthea must be next for the sack, they are sickly and very irritating together. Oh and while you are throwing people out Marco can you grab hold of Lineker by the ear and chuck him out too, he should be home looking after the baby anyway. While I’m talking ginger did you spot him from Eastenders and Mo in there again, is Ian Beales food really so bad in the square? If Masood and Jane get any closer I think there’s gonna be a few short and curlys being found in a vindaloo before long, Bon Appeitie