I sunk almost as low as a Jeremy Kyle guest this morning when I watched the Jeremy Kyle show. I will add at this point that was the first and last time it will happen. Forgive me if I have lived a sheltered life but I never knew people like that really existed, or is it because I have rarely visited north UK? After that comment I probably never will again.Kyle quipped to one of his guests, "Your story is amazing, you couldn't write this stuff". Jeremy, I don't think she could even write her name. She had married a guy she met on a bus after knowing him for only 4 months, he never speaks to her other than tickets please and hold on tight, on their wedding night he disappeared telling her he had to go and pick up his dog from his ex girlfriends who lived 10 minutes away from their bridal suite, 2 hours later he came back panting (Not the dog). Well she was gutted because the night before she had been practicing so hard with her ex as she didn't want to disappoint her new husband in the bedroom now did she. Well, 3 months later she has a baby girl, she is on the Kyle show to get a DNA test carried out to see if her new hubby is the Father or her ex. She didn't need a DNA test she needs a bloody calendar, or at least a calculator, I know she would find it difficult adding 4 and 3 together.
Another guy on there from Liverpool was in trouble with his partner for disappearing for months on end but denied he had another woman, well she demanded he take a lie detector test and it turns out he had stolen 67 car stereos, 27 wheels (One was a reliant Robin) and 14 Betamax video players, I am not the brightest person on the planet but even I know they have been replaced by VHS. Seriously though it turns out he had been seeing other women as the lie detector proved, you should have stolen a SAT NAV our kid you might have found your way home occasionally.
It's nice to see politicians sticking their noses in where it's not
wanted, MP Jeremy Hunt (That is cockney rhyming slang apparently) is telling parents on benefits to "Stop having children". What else are they going to do if you keep giving them money for doing fuck all; sorry I got those 2 words round the wrong way. Ed Milliband the new Labour leader who of course is not in government and probably never will be suggested it should be up to families to decide how many children to have. No Ed, look what happened when your parents followed that philosophy. (Am I alone in thinking Hunt might be receiving a little lip love in this photo)
Another guy on there from Liverpool was in trouble with his partner for disappearing for months on end but denied he had another woman, well she demanded he take a lie detector test and it turns out he had stolen 67 car stereos, 27 wheels (One was a reliant Robin) and 14 Betamax video players, I am not the brightest person on the planet but even I know they have been replaced by VHS. Seriously though it turns out he had been seeing other women as the lie detector proved, you should have stolen a SAT NAV our kid you might have found your way home occasionally.
It's nice to see politicians sticking their noses in where it's not
wanted, MP Jeremy Hunt (That is cockney rhyming slang apparently) is telling parents on benefits to "Stop having children". What else are they going to do if you keep giving them money for doing fuck all; sorry I got those 2 words round the wrong way. Ed Milliband the new Labour leader who of course is not in government and probably never will be suggested it should be up to families to decide how many children to have. No Ed, look what happened when your parents followed that philosophy. (Am I alone in thinking Hunt might be receiving a little lip love in this photo)Other victims of government interfering this week include Disabled Granny Anne Marshall who has had her allowance cut by £860 because she has been declared fit for work by a government appointed doctor despite suffering from Arthritis, Osteoporosis, is at the moment undergoing chemotherapy for bone cancer and has an irregular heart beat. The doctor pointed out that she can walk 200 metres unaided, great, maybe you have some ideas on what job she could do? England goalkeeper perhaps? A definite improvement I say.
Speaking of football, poor David Beckham has had to take a £2 million pay cut this year from 11m to a miserly 9m, this after his company Footwork productions showed a drop in profits from 800K last year to 15K in 2010. I see his maths is as good as ever, I would like to have an accountant like he's got. Don't worry too much David, you still have enough money to buy a few more houses, prices dropped by a record 3.6% last month.
Speaking of football, poor David Beckham has had to take a £2 million pay cut this year from 11m to a miserly 9m, this after his company Footwork productions showed a drop in profits from 800K last year to 15K in 2010. I see his maths is as good as ever, I would like to have an accountant like he's got. Don't worry too much David, you still have enough money to buy a few more houses, prices dropped by a record 3.6% last month.The huge story this week, well so huge it's been dubbed another 'Gate', we've had 'Watergate', then many other important ones like when that pop star guy came out as gay, that was 'Garethgate', now we have 'Gamugate'. The only gate that springs to my mind is the airport gate that leads to the Zimbabwe Air flight to Harare. What is wrong with a percentage of people in this country, over 200,000 complaints at her being axed from the show, is it any coincidence that is roughly how many viewers Jeremy Kyle gets in a week?. Hold on let me work that out, average 3 guests a show, about 50 in the live audience, generally a 13 week run of the series, multiplied by 2 series a year, I make that a total of 1,378, ah, almost 
forgot the relations of the guests on the shows, yeah so that makes the figure up to 200,000. Where was I? Yes, 200,000 actually went on facebook to set up a page to keep Gamu in the competition and of course in the country. The fact that many people actually typed into a computer blows my theory out of the water about it being Kyle viewers, oh well, we now have at least 400,000 idiots in the country. Never mind campaigning not to kick her out of the competition and send her home, send her home home. Gamu it's a 'Ayewha' from England and Chisarai Zvakanaka.
That judge woman man, warraraya talking aboot woman man, Ya noo the Geordie lass that was in Spice dolls or pussy galore, ya noo who I’m talking aboot pet, she were married to that footballer that auditioned for an underwear commercial by sending pictures of himself willy nilly to girls on his mobile. He wasn't worth it pet and neither are you, you showed yourself to be a wussycat doll for not standing up for what you believe in just so you don't upset the hand that's fed you, possibly explains why she never left Ashley when he was unfaithful the first time, by the way, why is she still calling herself Cole?
Don't get me started on the other judges and their decisions. Louis Walsh, get on the same plane as Gamu and take Mary Byrne with you. I see you have adopted her as your twins for this year but I do agree with her going through to the final based on the fact she is through on merit as the best in the over 28 stone category.
And oh my god how sorry do I feel for those who got a vote of confidence from Natalie Imbruglia then having to sit in front of Danni Minouge and be told no you are not good enough. Danni what have you ever done other than be the sister of a little soap star. For all you Kylie fans it is only the fact that she has a fit arse (according to the sad 200,000 that voted for her, no doubt Kyle fans that can't spell) I mean come on, what is happening with this show? I get it!!! Its working isn't it, you are getting the country talking, more publicity. Well guess what Mr Cowell and all your sad producers, you are contributing to what is wrong with so much in the world today and that is a lack of honesty and integrity for the sake of sensationalising TV, you are misguiding these modern day freak show contestants and sentencing them to a lifetime of misery and an uneducated understanding of what real life is actually like, shame on you.
Other celebrities showing themselves up in public this week include Britney spears turning out
in a nightie for a recent shopping trip, Claudia Winkleman for falling out of a bar drunk, nice to see the BBC are employing top class presenters for their flagship shows such as Film 2010. While on the subject of the BBC I would like to complain about another annoying presenter, actually make that 3 presenters on 'Watchdog' Anne Robinson needs putting out to stud in a lesbian stud farm and who are those two twats on a bike? Not a bad title for their segment BBC bosses if you are reading this. Or how about Lairy bikers? (Photo: The signs of too much alcohol are beginning to show on Winklemans nose)
It's reassuring to know that there is a consumer programme dedicated to sorting out all the important issues in life like carrier bags that split if you overload them and the grass that isn't necessarily greener if you buy it from Premier turf in Birmingham. Again, sensationalisationism (Is that a word?) For the sake of making a TV programme. I know why they gave you a motorbike for that particular slot, if that turfing guy had of caught you you would be in the base underneath his next lawn.
In more serious news this week, the Nobel peace prize nominees have been announced and they are..
Bill Clinton for starting the war with Iraq.
Tony Blair for starting the war with Afghanistan
Bono for supporting terrorism and the International space Station??? Where did that one come from? And the winner is.....The international space station, I'm sorry it can't be with us tonight....
Another contender for biggest story of the week is undoubtedly the Commonwealth games, which after a few false
starts finally crossed the start line with an excellent firework display Delhi style, street eatery customers all farting in unison whilst holding clipper lighters to their arses. It's like their version of the Mexican wave, or Mexican shave if it goes wrong, it's like a Brazilian but you even lose that little strip of hair. Anyway, back to the real stories oozing out of every corner of the games village. After the collapse of a bridge and a ceiling and athletes pulling out because of fears over hygiene in the country. How many tourists go there every year? The perfect country for athletes I would of thought, especially those in running events, you can't travel to India without getting a bit of Delhi belly, it's in the guide books. The swimmers are complaining of upset stomachs, you are supposed to swim in it not drink it, Rebecca Addlington said she had been suffering from the effects, difficult to stop it going up that nose I guess. She went on to win gold in the 800 metres freestyle by a nose no doubt.
forgot the relations of the guests on the shows, yeah so that makes the figure up to 200,000. Where was I? Yes, 200,000 actually went on facebook to set up a page to keep Gamu in the competition and of course in the country. The fact that many people actually typed into a computer blows my theory out of the water about it being Kyle viewers, oh well, we now have at least 400,000 idiots in the country. Never mind campaigning not to kick her out of the competition and send her home, send her home home. Gamu it's a 'Ayewha' from England and Chisarai Zvakanaka.
That judge woman man, warraraya talking aboot woman man, Ya noo the Geordie lass that was in Spice dolls or pussy galore, ya noo who I’m talking aboot pet, she were married to that footballer that auditioned for an underwear commercial by sending pictures of himself willy nilly to girls on his mobile. He wasn't worth it pet and neither are you, you showed yourself to be a wussycat doll for not standing up for what you believe in just so you don't upset the hand that's fed you, possibly explains why she never left Ashley when he was unfaithful the first time, by the way, why is she still calling herself Cole?Don't get me started on the other judges and their decisions. Louis Walsh, get on the same plane as Gamu and take Mary Byrne with you. I see you have adopted her as your twins for this year but I do agree with her going through to the final based on the fact she is through on merit as the best in the over 28 stone category.
And oh my god how sorry do I feel for those who got a vote of confidence from Natalie Imbruglia then having to sit in front of Danni Minouge and be told no you are not good enough. Danni what have you ever done other than be the sister of a little soap star. For all you Kylie fans it is only the fact that she has a fit arse (according to the sad 200,000 that voted for her, no doubt Kyle fans that can't spell) I mean come on, what is happening with this show? I get it!!! Its working isn't it, you are getting the country talking, more publicity. Well guess what Mr Cowell and all your sad producers, you are contributing to what is wrong with so much in the world today and that is a lack of honesty and integrity for the sake of sensationalising TV, you are misguiding these modern day freak show contestants and sentencing them to a lifetime of misery and an uneducated understanding of what real life is actually like, shame on you.
Other celebrities showing themselves up in public this week include Britney spears turning out
in a nightie for a recent shopping trip, Claudia Winkleman for falling out of a bar drunk, nice to see the BBC are employing top class presenters for their flagship shows such as Film 2010. While on the subject of the BBC I would like to complain about another annoying presenter, actually make that 3 presenters on 'Watchdog' Anne Robinson needs putting out to stud in a lesbian stud farm and who are those two twats on a bike? Not a bad title for their segment BBC bosses if you are reading this. Or how about Lairy bikers? (Photo: The signs of too much alcohol are beginning to show on Winklemans nose)It's reassuring to know that there is a consumer programme dedicated to sorting out all the important issues in life like carrier bags that split if you overload them and the grass that isn't necessarily greener if you buy it from Premier turf in Birmingham. Again, sensationalisationism (Is that a word?) For the sake of making a TV programme. I know why they gave you a motorbike for that particular slot, if that turfing guy had of caught you you would be in the base underneath his next lawn.
In more serious news this week, the Nobel peace prize nominees have been announced and they are..Bill Clinton for starting the war with Iraq.
Tony Blair for starting the war with Afghanistan
Bono for supporting terrorism and the International space Station??? Where did that one come from? And the winner is.....The international space station, I'm sorry it can't be with us tonight....
Another contender for biggest story of the week is undoubtedly the Commonwealth games, which after a few false
starts finally crossed the start line with an excellent firework display Delhi style, street eatery customers all farting in unison whilst holding clipper lighters to their arses. It's like their version of the Mexican wave, or Mexican shave if it goes wrong, it's like a Brazilian but you even lose that little strip of hair. Anyway, back to the real stories oozing out of every corner of the games village. After the collapse of a bridge and a ceiling and athletes pulling out because of fears over hygiene in the country. How many tourists go there every year? The perfect country for athletes I would of thought, especially those in running events, you can't travel to India without getting a bit of Delhi belly, it's in the guide books. The swimmers are complaining of upset stomachs, you are supposed to swim in it not drink it, Rebecca Addlington said she had been suffering from the effects, difficult to stop it going up that nose I guess. She went on to win gold in the 800 metres freestyle by a nose no doubt.
They think the pool is bad there, you wait 'til London 2012 and they realise the Thames is the swimming venue, people used to jump of Tower Bridge to kill themselves, now they just drink a cup of it.One final piece of news from Delhi, the cause of the problem of the blocked drains was the discovery of 1000 condoms stuck in the pipes, so either Mark Owen or Tiger Woods have taken up athletics.
Danielle Brown also won gold and made history for being the first paralympic athlete to represent England at the games. If all goes wrong for you in the archery Danielle England are on the lookout for a decent goalkeeper.
We don't only need a decent goalkeeper we also need a good striker,
someone that can score somewhere other than a brothel. Rooney’s team mate Federico Mercheda has hit out at Rooney in an interview branding him a "Coatto" which translated means having no class, a peasant. I am not sure if that is a fair comment or not as I haven't even seen the hookers he went with, I have seen Coleen on the other hand and Mercheda does have a point.
On the brighter side, the Chilly Chilean miners are due to be released by the weekend, they are absolutely furious, so would I be, have you seen the state of their wives waiting at the top for them. One more thought on the Chileans suffering down that mine, I have just had a bottle of wine from there so you are not alone in your experience of pain.
And finally.......Did you know that there is no mention of the Burqa in the Koran ? There must be a Hassan Mohamed Wan somewhere in the world making a lot of money, good luck to you, I am thinking of bringing out a range of sunglasses to finish off the outfit. (Photo: Can she hear anything, or the person on the other end? Maybe she calling a muslim friend and they can't hear each othger, what's the point?)
Danielle Brown also won gold and made history for being the first paralympic athlete to represent England at the games. If all goes wrong for you in the archery Danielle England are on the lookout for a decent goalkeeper.
We don't only need a decent goalkeeper we also need a good striker,
someone that can score somewhere other than a brothel. Rooney’s team mate Federico Mercheda has hit out at Rooney in an interview branding him a "Coatto" which translated means having no class, a peasant. I am not sure if that is a fair comment or not as I haven't even seen the hookers he went with, I have seen Coleen on the other hand and Mercheda does have a point.On the brighter side, the Chilly Chilean miners are due to be released by the weekend, they are absolutely furious, so would I be, have you seen the state of their wives waiting at the top for them. One more thought on the Chileans suffering down that mine, I have just had a bottle of wine from there so you are not alone in your experience of pain.
And finally.......Did you know that there is no mention of the Burqa in the Koran ? There must be a Hassan Mohamed Wan somewhere in the world making a lot of money, good luck to you, I am thinking of bringing out a range of sunglasses to finish off the outfit. (Photo: Can she hear anything, or the person on the other end? Maybe she calling a muslim friend and they can't hear each othger, what's the point?)
No comments:
Post a Comment